Finding Stevie

‘Don’t upset yourself,’ I said, touching her arm. ‘I’m sure you did the right thing. It will give you all a chance to have a breather, and you’ll be seeing him regularly.’

She took a tissue from the sleeve of her cardigan and dabbed her eyes. My heart went out to her. She looked defeated – as if she’d tried her best and failed. ‘I would have him back now and make it work,’ she said. ‘It’s Fred. He’s told Steven he needs to sort himself out first. You know, all that stuff about if he’s a girl or a boy. I can’t stand any more arguments, not with looking after the younger two as well. I’m worn out.’

‘I think you’ve done a fantastic job,’ I said. ‘I really do. Three young children is a lot to cope with.’ I hope I didn’t sound patronising, but I meant it.

‘Fred thinks Steven is doing this on purpose to wind us up and get attention.’

This was difficult. ‘I think Stevie is confused about his gender identity,’ I said carefully. ‘I know it’s difficult for us to understand; we’ve never been in that position. But I think he is genuinely struggling to sort out how he sees himself.’

‘Do you?’ she asked. ‘You never heard of that sort of thing when I was young. You were either male or female. Some people were homosexual, but they knew that. There was never any of this “I might be a girl or I might be a boy or maybe I’m both”.’ She looked sad, confused and out of her depth. ‘Is it something I’ve done wrong?’

‘No, Peggy, of course not. You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve done a good job of bringing him up. He’s a nice lad. You can be proud of him.’

‘He should be living here with me,’ she said mournfully. ‘Not with a foster carer. I don’t mean to be rude, but that’s how I feel.’ She’d obviously been thinking about this a lot.

‘I understand,’ I said. ‘Try to look upon it as me helping you out for now. We all need help sometimes, don’t we?’ I was about to say more when Fred came in.

‘Is he wearing your knickers yet?’ he quipped, sitting in the largest armchair, which I took to be his.

He was joking, but it was an entirely inappropriate comment. I thought it was probably his way of coping with a situation he didn’t understand and perhaps found embarrassing. Maybe he felt his masculinity was under threat, or maybe he recognised something in Stevie he didn’t want to acknowledge in himself. Who knows? But making Stevie the butt of his jokes wasn’t going to help – quite the opposite. Since I’d first been told I would be fostering Stevie, I’d researched gender online and I’d come to realise that it isn’t always clear cut, but a spectrum, with male and female either end and degrees of gender in between. Fred needed to be more aware, to stop teasing his grandson and help him if there was any chance of healing their damaged relationship. I thought Fred was a man who would appreciate straight talking.

‘Fred, do you ever use the internet?’ I asked him.

‘What would I want with that?’ he scorned.

‘There’s a lot of information on the internet, like all the books, newspapers and magazines in the world put together. I go online if I need to know something. Have a look on the internet for the term “gender-fluid”. I think you may be surprised by what you find. There are other families facing the same issues you are, and online support groups have been set up. The library has computers you can use for free.’

‘You mean there’s others like him!’ he jeered.

‘Yes.’

‘Thank you, Cathy,’ Peggy said quietly. ‘I’ve seen the computers in the library, but I don’t know how to use them.’

‘An assistant should be able to show you,’ I said. ‘Otherwise give me a ring and I’ll meet you there. Once you know how to use the internet, it’s easy.’

She managed a small smile and tucked away her tissue. ‘Steven is going to school tomorrow,’ she told Fred positively.

‘About bloody time too!’ he snapped. I was sure Fred loved Stevie as he did Liam and Kiri, but he could be abrupt and scathing, which children don’t need. It undermines their self-confidence if they’re put down when they speak. It’s not good for adults either.

Peggy changed the conversation and began talking about the weather, and we continued making polite conversation until Stevie appeared at the door carrying bin liners full of his belongings. ‘I’m ready to go,’ he said, apparently not wanting to come into the living room and spend time with his grandparents.

Peggy and I stood, I said goodbye to Fred and Peggy saw us to the front door. ‘Bye, Gran,’ Stevie said, kissing her cheek. ‘See you soon.’

‘Yes, you take care.’ Her eyes filled again.

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