Australia: Handsome Heroes

And then she’d met Cal and all had become clear.

Paul had been right. That it had gone so horribly wrong for them both hadn’t been Paul’s fault. He’d gone in search of something he’d sensed had been out there. He’d been injured before he’d found it, but Gina had found it here.

Cal.

She was holding him tight. Tighter.

What was it between them? She didn’t know. Pure, uncomplicated lust? There was certainly that, she thought. Her body was reacting to his as if there was some switch that sent heat surging in a way she hadn’t felt for five long years.

He made her feel…

What?

Who was asking for explanations? Why waste this moment? She surely wasn’t going to.

Her lips opened to his and she hadn’t wanted to be kissed—or she was almost sure she hadn’t wanted to be kissed—but she was numb and past rational thought and she was wet and his body was so close and their clothes were soaked, so soaked that they might as well not have existed, and his hands were wonderful and she could taste him and she was sinking against him and…

And he was her Cal.

The heat was overpowering. She was melting inside, turning to liquid jelly as wave after wave of pure hot longing surged through her body. She was responding to him with every nerve ending she had, from the tips of her ears to the tips of her toes. The waves were washing against them and at times they were up to their necks in the water, but it made it more wonderful. It didn’t take away the heat.

Nothing could take away this heat.

‘Gina…’

He was holding her close. Closer. She was merging into him under the water, her body curling against him as if two melting objects were merging into one. Her lips widened, her tongue was searching…She wanted this man so much.

The kiss deepened, lengthened, strengthened, and with it came a strengthening of the bond that had been forged five years ago. It was a bond she’d thought she’d broken but she knew now that she never could.

This man was her son’s father.

This man was her love.

But he didn’t know it. Not as she wanted him to know it, in a glorious acknowledgement that they could be a family.

‘You’re beautiful,’ he managed in a voice that was husky with passion. She’d drawn away as a wave had crashed against them but he’d tugged her back into him again and she had no power to resist.

‘You’re not so bad yourself,’ she whispered, before his mouth lowered again. She even managed a shaken laugh. ‘A bit soggy…’

‘Soggy’s good. Soggy’s great.’

‘Shut up and kiss me, Cal.’

‘Yes, ma’am.’

What was she doing? she wondered in the tiny fraction of her brain available for such thought. But she knew very well what she was doing. She was taking what was offered right now because this moment was all she had. Even if Cal wanted to forge something from now on, there was no way he was offering himself. He’d hold himself independent, regardless. He’d drilled that hard lesson into his heart and he intended to stay that way.

But just for now, just for this minute, she told herself desperately, there was no such thing as independence. Cal was a part of her and she’d take what comfort she could before she moved on.

Tomorrow.

For some reason the word slammed through her tired brain, smashing against the love and the heat and the joy, and she felt her body shudder. He felt it, as he’d feel a wave crashing against them, and he drew away again, holding her at arm’s length and looking at her in concern.

‘What is it, my love?’

Doctor picking up pieces, she thought dully. Then not knowing what to do with them. Cal would always act with honour. He was so kind, so caring…

He just couldn’t take the next step.

‘I’m not your love,’ she said, in a voice that was none too steady.

‘I’ve loved you from the first time we met.’

‘Have you?’

‘Of course I have.’

But the bubble had burst. Reality was slamming back and with it a kind of sense.

‘Then what, Cal?’ she said, knowing exactly where this was headed. ‘What? If you do indeed love me, then what? Do you want us to stay together?’

His face shuttered. ‘Don’t, Gina,’ he whispered. ‘Not yet. I can’t. Just let’s take this moment.’

‘Like we did five years ago? That ended up with CJ.’

Where had that come from? She hadn’t wanted to say it. This moment could well be all she had, and to spoil it…

But desire was being replaced by an anger that couldn’t be ignored.

‘I’m not suggesting we go to bed,’ he told her, and her anger grew.

‘Good. Neither am I.’

‘We have to figure something out.’

This was ridiculous. They were chest-deep in water, discussing their future. Or their lack of a future. The waves were washing in and out, Cal’s hands still held her firm around the waist, protecting her from the waves’ force, and she was so close. But his face, his eyes…they said there was still a distance between them.

Of course there was a distance between them.

‘Gina, do you have to go back to the States?’ he asked, and she stilled.

‘What are you suggesting?’

‘We need to work things out.’

‘Maybe.’ Be careful, her head was screaming. Be very careful. But there was a tiny hope…

‘Gina, you loved working in Townsville.’

So I did, she thought. Because you were there.

‘What if I did?’ she asked, and managed to keep her voice steady.

‘You had your kids’ club. You enjoyed it. You loved the emergency work.’

‘That’s right.’

‘If you were to go back there…Townsville’s only an hour’s flight from here. I spend a lot of time there.’

The world seemed to have stopped breathing. She tried to make herself think. ‘So…why would I go to Townsville?’

‘I could see you,’ he told her. ‘I work a roster of three weeks on, one week off. I could spend a week at Townsville and get to know CJ.’

‘I guess you could.’ Her glimmer of hope had faded into nothing. Her voice sounded leaden, defeated. What else had she expected? she asked of herself. Fairy-tales were for storybooks. Not for her. ‘But where would that leave me?’

‘You liked Townsville.’

‘My family and friends are in Idaho.’

‘I’d be in Townsville.’

‘Once a month.’

‘Gina, we could see how it went.’ His voice was softly persuasive and he bent to kiss her again.

But she was having none of it and she shoved him away.

‘Yes, we could,’ she said. Anger was her only aid now, but she had it in spades. More than anger. Pure, blind fury. ‘I could give up my very good job in the States. I could abandon my friends. But why, Cal? So you get to see CJ once a month?’

‘He’s my son.’

‘Prove it,’ she snapped. ‘What makes a father? A one-night stand?’

‘We never had a one-night stand. You know that.’

‘I know it. Do you?’

‘Gina, I’m saying that I’ve loved you.’He put a hand through his sodden hair, raking it with the air of a man past his limits. He was as exhausted as she was, she thought, and had to fight an almost overwhelming compulsion to reach out to him. But no way. No way! ‘These last few years have been hell.’

‘But not enough to reach out now and say let’s be a family. Not enough to even want me to stay in the same town as you.’

‘I don’t do—’

‘You don’t do commitment,’ she finished for him, almost cordially. ‘So what’s new?’

‘You know as well as I do what happens down that road,’ he told her, and he was drawing away from her now. ‘Look at what happened tonight. One minute these people had loving, laughing teenagers, the next they had nothing. You had Paul and he’s dead. And me…I learned that lesson over and over again. The only way of sanity is independence. You can love someone and stay independent. You must.’

‘Can you? Can you really love them?’

‘That’s what I’m saying,’ he told her, as if explaining something to a child.

‘Then you’re talking nonsense,’ she managed. ‘I can love CJ and stay independent? I don’t think so.’

‘That’s what I mean,’ he said wearily. ‘You’re caught. If anything happened to CJ, you’d break your heart, and why put yourself there?’ His eyes grew bleak and distant. ‘Of all the stupid, irresponsible acts. Stuffing up birth control. Us! Two doctors. We should never have messed up like that. For me to have put you through that…’

And that was the limit. Her anger had boiled straight over to full-blown fury, a fury mixed with desolation, rejection and loss.

She stared at him for a long, baffled minute—and then she reached out and hit him.

A wave caught her just as she did, knocking her sideways into the surf. She’d hit his face but her slap had been deflected, much of its force lost. But she no longer cared. She lay where she’d been knocked, letting the water wash over her, thinking about not even bothering to surface, and when Cal’s hand reached down to grab her and haul her up she reacted as if his touch burned.

She kicked out, a futile act in three feet of water, smacked his hands away from her and backed out of the waves. Dumb, useless tears were mixing with the salt water.

‘You low-life! Get away from me.’

‘Hell, Gina, I didn’t mean to say…’ Cal sounded horrified.

‘You did say,’ she spluttered, backing further away from him. ‘Get lost, Cal Jamieson. You say you loved me. That’s ridiculous. You don’t know the meaning of the word. Leave me be. I’m going back to the hospital. I’m going to check on our baby in the morning and the minute he doesn’t need me I’m out of here. I’m out of your life. I’ll send you a photo of CJ every year on his birthday. I’m sure that’s all you want, Cal Jamieson, and it’s all you deserve. Get lost.’

Three hundred miles away another drama was being played out. Another consequence of loving.

‘Megan?’

‘Go away.’ The girl’s voice dragged as though there was no strength left in it and her mother’s surge of fear grew even stronger. What was happening?

Honey had hoped this day could be different. When she’d persuaded her husband and daughter to go to the rodeo she’d almost allowed herself to be optimistic. She’d hoped it could be time out from the depression that draped this sad old farmhouse and the people in it.

But Megan had been silent and sullen all the way to the rodeo, and as soon as they’d arrived she’d disappeared to be by herself in the bush. Well, what was new? Honey had wondered sadly. For the last few months Megan had glumped round the house in her oversized men’s clothes, she’d worked in sullen silence, she’d eaten like there was no stopping her, not caring care how much weight she put on…

Honey Cooper had been concerned about her nineteen-year-old daughter for months, but then she’d also been terrified about her husband’s failing health. More. She’d been terrified that the bank would finally foreclose on the farm. She’d been terrified that Jim would kill himself. There was only so much terror one woman could hold, and Megan’s depression had seemed the least of it.

But today there’d been something new. Worse. On the way home from the rodeo Megan had huddled into the back of the car like a wounded animal. She’d stayed there until Honey had got Jim inside and then Megan had scuttled into her bedroom and locked the door behind her.

Now she’d been in the bathroom for an hour and as Honey had lain beside Jim she’d heard searing, racking sobs that had terrified her past all the rest.

And things she’d been trying hard to ignore had suddenly refused to be ignored a moment longer.

‘What the hell’s going on with Megan?’Jim asked, and she laid a hand on her husband’s arm to stop him getting up. His heart was so bad. He mustn’t get upset.

‘Hush. I’ll go and see.’

‘It’s not that boy?’ Jim rolled over in the dark and stared bleakly at his wife in the moonlight streaming in through the dust-streaked window. ‘He wasn’t at the rodeo, was he? If he’s been seeing her again…If he’s hurt her…’

‘I’m sure he wasn’t there,’ Honey said soothingly. ‘You know Megan promised she wouldn’t see him again. I’m sure she meant it and I’m sure he hasn’t tried to see her. Hush. I’ll go and see what’s wrong.’

But now she stood outside the locked bathroom door and she knew that there was no quick fix available here. Megan’s sobs were truly frightening. Megan, who’d held the family together. She’d leaned on her far too much, Honey thought as she asked again that her daughter unlock the door. But what choice did she have?

Megan was nineteen and clever and she’d ached to go to university—but if she’d gone then the hard work here would have killed Jim. So Honey had pressured her to stay. Megan had worked and worked, even after that boy…

‘Megan, love, you need to unlock the door.’

‘I’m fine.’The words were spoken on a hiccuping sob. ‘Go away. I’m fine.’

‘You’re not fine and I’m not going away until you open the door. Please, Megan. Your father’s worried.’

Your father’s worried. Your father’s sick. Your father needs you. Here it was again, Honey thought. Emotional blackmail. But it was all she had.

And it worked now as it had worked before. There was a ragged gasp, a scuffle—sounds of cleaning up?—and then the door was opened a crack.

‘I’m fine,’ Megan said again, harshly into the stillness of the darkened house. ‘Tell Dad he doesn’t have to worry.’

‘Come into your room and we’ll talk about it.’She was still whispering. Jim mustn’t hear.

‘Why?’ Megan whispered back, just as fiercely. ‘There’s nothing to talk about.’

She turned, and as she did, Honey gasped.

Megan was wearing a faded chenille dressing-gown, the sort of shapeless garment she’d been wearing for months. But as she turned against the moonlight streaming in from the window at the end of the passage, Honey had caught her profile.

For months she’d been looking at that profile, thinking no, surely not, that would be the one thing that would kill Jim, please no. It was just weight gain. Megan had been overeating. It had to be the reason.

And now…

‘Oh, God, you’ve lost it,’ she whispered. ‘Meg, you’ve lost the baby.’

‘What baby?’

‘You were pregnant.’

‘So what?’ Megan said wearily, and Honey grabbed her shoulders and propelled her back into her room and shut the door behind her.

‘You really were.’

‘Yeah, but I’m not any more.’ The girl’s voice sounded exhausted. Defeated.

‘What…what happened?’

‘It was dead,’ Megan whispered, still in that awful, inhuman voice. ‘It came early and it was dead. A miscarriage. I miscarried a baby and now it’s over. So you don’t have to worry. I’m fine.’

‘Oh, my dear…’ Honey reached out to hug her daughter but Megan flinched away.

‘Leave me alone,’she said dully. ‘Go back to Dad. Tell him there’s no need to worry. I’ll go on being his good little girl and he doesn’t have to have a heart attack.’

‘Megan, that’s not fair.’

‘My baby’s dead,’ Megan flashed at her. ‘Is that fair?’ Then she crumpled back onto the bed, sinking her face into her hands. ‘Nothing’s fair. The whole world isn’t fair.’

‘I’ll take you to the hospital,’ Honey said uncertainly, and Megan’s hands dropped from her face so she could stare at her mother in fury.

‘You think I shut up for all these months for you to tell Dad now?’she snapped. ‘Protect Dad at all costs? Well, I have and there’s nothing to do now but go to bed and forget about it.’

‘You’ll need to be checked.’

‘I’m fine.’

‘Love…’

‘I’m not going anywhere,’Megan whispered. ‘I’m not doing anything. You tell anyone and I’ll deny it absolutely. The whole thing is over, Mum. Go back to bed.’

She sat, rigid and unmoving, waiting for Honey to leave. Waiting to be alone again. Waiting.

Honey was left with nothing to do. With nowhere to go.

She stared down at her daughter for a long, long minute and Megan glared back, unflinching.

‘The baby’s dead and it’s over,’she whispered. ‘There’s an end to it. An end to everything.’

‘Oh, my love…’

‘There’s no love about it, ’Megan said bleakly. ‘Leave me be. ’

‘Honey?’

It was Jim’s voice calling from down the hall, and with a last desperate glance at her daughter Honey turned away.

Megan flinched again.

But she sat unmoving. Then, as the door finally closed behind her mother, the girl hauled herself under the covers—and she started to shake.

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