Homegrown Hero
Zafar attempted an apology. ‘I was only –’
‘Shut up‚ I haven’t finished yet‚’ Ira spat. ‘Jay‚ let me ask you a question.’ Fuck’s sake‚ don’t get me involved. ‘You’ve got a half decent job at the Council‚ tell me how many Somalis you work with.’
‘Uh‚ in my section... Or in the building... Including outstations?’
‘Quit stalling‚ Jay. We all know the answer. So what’s our alternative? We start our own business – plumbing‚ handyman‚ some shit like that? Wrong‚ nobody is going to hire us. Twenty or so years we’ve been rubbing shoulders with society and still we’re treated like outcasts. Look at the Poles‚ five minutes they’ve been here and they walk into jobs‚ start their own successful business. Why the hell are they not looked down on?’ Ira looked from face to face. ‘Anyone want to venture a guess? No? Okay‚ I’ll tell you. It’s because they have nice light milky skin.’
Nobody dared add that the Poles‚ part of the EU‚ came here specifically to make a living. The Somalis came here to escape from a civil war.
‘Would you like a drink of water‚ Sister?’ Tahir offered.
‘You trying to shut me up‚ Tahir?’ Ira said‚ her smile less alive than usual.
Zafar stood up from his chair and approached Ira. He didn’t attempt another apology. He just nodded knowingly and awkwardly rubbed her arm. The two of them always bickered on any number of subjects‚ but I could see that Zafar genuinely cared for her.
This was exactly why I came to these sessions. It was the perfect place to throw a tantrum‚ have a good old rant at the world. Most of these guys had given up. Zafar‚ a Masters degree in his pocket from a top London university‚ had hopes of strolling into a job to suit his vast skill-set‚ now he’s considering taking on a sales role for a fucking double glazing firm. Or Ira‚ pushing a mop night after night in a basement kitchen of a hotel‚ when it was clear that‚ given the chance‚ she had the intelligence and confidence to achieve whatever she set her mind to.
Everyone had their own issues. God knows I had mine‚ but I was happy to listen rather than divulge. It helped. They were a good group of guys‚ genuine. They seemed to like me‚ which wasn’t much of a surprise; I’m pretty likeable! But‚ I wouldn’t let them get too close to me. They were forever inviting me out‚ outside of this environment‚ but I always had an excuse ready. As harsh as it sounds‚ they just weren’t my type of people.
Tahir came back with a cup of water for Ira and a fresh pack of Jaffa Cakes for the massive. Like scavengers‚ all hands reached out and cleared the packet of its contents. We enjoyed the silence as we munched on the biscuits‚ and shared optimistic glances at each other – a look that said everything probably won’t be alright‚ but as long as we have Jaffa Cakes then it can’t be all that bad.
I caught Ira looking at the entrance‚ not for the first time that evening.
‘Have you messaged Naaim?’ I asked. Naaim was the missing fifth member and also the youngest. Ira was pretty protective towards him‚ in that way girls are when they sense damage. Naaim was pretty fucking damaged. His mother was wheelchair-bound. His father an abusive alcoholic. Yeah‚ pretty fucked up‚ full of that teenage angst that I keep hearing about. Me against the world kind of character. Probably why he and Ira connected.
‘Yeah‚ Jay‚’ she said‚ ‘messaged him‚ called him. He ain’t come back to me.’ Her voice drifted. ‘Not heard from him in a couple of days.’
‘Is he still seeing that bird?’ Zafar asked.
‘You wanna try asking me that again?’ Ira threw him a look.
‘Layla‚’ Zafar smiled nervously. ‘Is he still seeing Layla?’
‘Yeah. Getting serious‚ too.’
‘Has young Naaim been introduced to Layla’s father‚ yet?’ Tahir asked.
‘They’re just kids!’ I said. ‘What’s the rush?’
‘It’s better that he knows that Naaim has no untoward intentions towards his daughter‚’ Tahir said. ‘If he was to find out another way...’ Tahir shook his head. ‘He should know‚ that’s all.’
I was getting bored with this conversation. I shrugged‚ glancing at the time on my phone. There’s worse things happening around the world than boy meets girl‚ parents don’t understand drama‚ and we’d heard all about this particular saga in recent weeks. I’d never met Layla‚ but the way that Naaim harped on about her‚ I felt like I could write a dissertation on her.
Layla Shah‚ I now knew‚ was a homely Pakistani girl‚ as halal as a cucumber. I’ve known plenty of girls like that – strictly Muslim at home‚ but as soon as they step out of that environment‚ they transform into Beyoncé. And I’m talking about Crazy in Love Beyoncé!
But I don’t think Layla was like that.
Her Mum had been out of the picture since a while back‚ so it fell to Layla‚ from a very early age‚ to take on the household responsibilities – pandering to the needs of her strict father and over protective brother‚ whilst balancing her studies and her dedication to Islam. The last thing she needed in her life was complication. But complication came‚ in the form of Naaim.
They’d met at school‚ both studying for the same papers – Naaim’s a year older but he had spectacularly failed his exams the year before. She started to help him study‚ every day in the romantic setting of the school library – knees touching under the desk‚ you get the picture. Anyway‚ shit happens‚ and they got close‚ like proper close. Their relationship moved fast‚ they talked marriage‚ even went as far as to discuss what they would name their kids. Fuck‚ man‚ they’re only teenagers!
On top of which‚ Naaim is Bangladeshi‚ and Layla‚ Pakistani.
Paki relationships which haven’t been sanctioned by parents are‚ at best‚ a fucking minefield. Throw another colour‚ creed or religion into the mix and it’s just asking for a slap.
Yeah‚ there wasn’t going to be a happy ending to this story.
I yawned. I didn’t even attempt to hold back‚ it came out like the roar of a lion who desperately wanted to Netflix and Chill.
‘I’m beat. I’m gonna call it a night‚’ I said.
But before I could bounce‚ the door behind me creaked open and Naaim stepped through and stood at the door looking suitably intense and lovesick – and I sighed under my breath and decided to stick around long enough to say wha’s up and then be on my way before he unloaded with another episode of the ongoing saga.
Naaim crossed the short distance‚ as Tahir greeted him with a Salaam and a smile‚ and pulled a chair into the circle. Naaim sat down heavily and looked passively into the distance.
I swear to God‚ the fucking drama!
‘Naaim‚’ Ira said‚ ‘been calling you for time. Everything alright?’
‘Yeah‚ you all good‚ Bruv?’ Zafar asked.
‘Brother‚ can I get you a cup of tea? We’re all out of biscuits‚ I’m afraid‚’ Tahir added.
Unlike me‚ whose relationship with this lot began and ended within the four walls of the centre‚ the four of them were tight. They’d met here but looked out for each other outside of Heston Hall Community Centre. I’d go as far as to say they were friends‚ with Tahir‚ older‚ been and seen thirty‚ playing the mentor figure.
‘I’m going to shoot‚’ I said‚ getting to my feet. ‘Catch you all next week.’
‘Naaim?’ Ira said‚ ignoring me. ‘What’s happened?’
Tahir‚ sensing all was not well‚ said‚ ‘Take your time‚ Brother. There’s no rush.’ Not what I would have said considering the hour.
Naaim closed his eyes tightly and we all watched as a tear escaped and slowly rolled down his face. His shoulders shook and shuddered and then it was open season as Naaim exploded into tears.
I knew then that I wasn’t getting home any time soon. Just to feel useful‚ I fetched a glass of water and a box of Kleenex and placed it by his chair. Ira had knelt down in front of him‚ holding his hand. Zafar was standing close by‚ at a loss‚ not quite knowing what to do. I sat back down and waited patiently in my seat for Naaim to tell us about the next brick wall that he and Layla had no doubt walked into. The seriousness of what he was about to reveal started to dawn on me when I noticed his quivering hand reach for the glass of water.
‘Let’s give the man some space‚’ Tahir said. Zafar sat back down‚ his eyes caught mine and we shrugged in tandem. Ira‚ who was still kneeling down in front of him‚ straightened up‚ pulled a chair close to Naaim‚ and sat down. She reached across and took his hand in hers.
Naaim nodded at the floor‚ took a deep breath‚ and shared a story of happiness that had been doomed from the start.
12
Jay
‘It was our first time meeting outside of school‚’ Naaim said‚ tear-soaked, balled-up tissues on the floor around his feet. ‘We’d just sat our final exams and I... I suggested that we should celebrate. It was my fault.’
His voice was soft. The others leaned in‚ apart from me. I kept my distance. My finger tap‚ tap‚ tapping away like a jackhammer on the seat of my chair‚ hoping that I could write off whatever was to come as kids play.
Ira squeezed his hand and smiled at him to continue.
‘Her father and her brother had made plans for her to celebrate the end of exams. When she told them that she wanted to go out and celebrate with her classmates‚ they said no. The first chance she had‚ she simply walked out knowing exactly what the consequences would be.
‘She’d told me that if she was able to make it‚ she’d be upstairs on the one-eleven bus. I waited at the stop‚ outside Chilli Chips like I said I would‚ and scanned the top deck as bus after bus came and went. And then there she was. Looking down at me. I was so happy… and so nervous. She smiled‚ and from her small smile... I knew‚ I just knew that she had gone against her father and brother’s wishes. Layla never broke the rules‚ but she did that... She did that for me.’
Ira jumped in‚ quick to give him meaningless advice‚ clichés. You’ll see‚ Layla’s father will come around... Just have to take it slow... It’ll all be all right... Zafar being Zafar said something very Zafar-like‚ she’s going to be dumped on the first flight to Pakistan and forced to marry her cousin. Tahir stayed quiet‚ a look on his face that wasn’t far from I told you so.
I kept my opinions to myself – only because I hadn’t formed any – and watched Naaim‚ head down‚ facing the floor‚ knowing that he wasn’t yet finished.
‘You don’t understand‚’ Naaim lifted his eyes‚ bringing the room to silence. ‘I got on the bus and sat down beside Layla‚ not knowing what to say to her‚ not knowing what was waiting for her when she got home. She leaned her head against my shoulder and took my hand and I thought... I thought that together we could take on anything and anyone.
‘We were alone on the top deck‚ our plan was to... well we didn’t have a plan. We couldn’t risk being seen out on the streets. We were just going to ride the bus to the end and back again... But when the bus stopped at Lampton Corner‚ I noticed three pairs of cherry red Dr Martens moving down the aisle. They sat directly behind us‚ on the back row. They were loud‚ brash‚ drunk. I could feel Layla squeezing my hand.
‘One of them tapped Layla on the shoulder. She turned‚ and he blew her a kiss. She turned back quickly to me‚ and they started to laugh behind us. I didn’t know what to do. The way she looked at me‚ did she want me to say something? Do something?
‘They had a newspaper – they were rustling it loudly on purpose and I could feel it skimming the back of my head. I know that they were trying to provoke me but I didn’t let them. They started to talk about the headline‚ and I knew at that moment I should have taken Layla’s hand and walked away the minute they got on the bus.
‘“Did you read the paper today? Front page news‚ check it out. One in every five Muzlims sympathise with Jihadi’s.”
‘“That’s so fucked up. One in every five Paki’s? Wankers!”
‘“It says here in black and fucking white. They did a survey. Look‚ the whole report is here on pages one‚ two‚ three‚ four‚ five‚ six and seven.”
‘Layla called my name... I smiled at her‚ as if it was all fine. I wanted her to feel safe with me‚ I wanted her to know that I would never let anything happen to her.
‘They split up. One of them stayed behind‚ another sat on the other side of the aisle across from us‚ and the third sat directly in front‚ turning so that he was facing us. He held up the newspaper with the headlines emblazoned on the front‚ big and bold‚ as though the words could not possibly be anything but the truth.
‘“So are you one of those five?” He said‚ I smiled at him as if I was in on the joke‚ “Nah‚ he ain’t no fuckin’ Jihadi‚ look at the fear in the Paki’s eyes.” Across the aisle one of them was pointing a camera at us. “What about your girlfriend? Is she one of those jihadi brides I keep hearing about?”
‘I tried to take control‚ I told him that we were both born here‚ raised here‚ that we don’t sympathise with what is going on. I said it coolly‚ as though I wasn’t fucking petrified. From behind‚ one of their arms slipped between us and rested on my shoulder – he was holding a beer can.
‘“Go on‚ mate‚ have some. Call yourself English? Prove it.”
‘He pulled the ring of the can. I flinched as speckles splashed on my face‚ the smell of beer was everywhere. Layla pinched her nose‚ she’d never before been that close to alcohol.
‘And that’s all it took; that instinctive gesture‚ the disgust on her face.
‘That’s all it fucking took.
‘It happened so fast. Someone screamed “This Paki bitch thinks she’s better than us.” From behind‚ Layla’s head was wrenched back and her hijab was ripped off and thrown on the floor. Before I could do anything‚ beer was poured over her head. She let go off my hand and tried to stand but she was forced down by her shoulders and then he... he... he forced his tongue in her mouth and then... they just left. And I just sat there.’
Naaim stopped talking. He craned his neck back and stared up at the flickering tube light on the ceiling. The tears had started again‚ running freely down the sides of his face.
‘Motherfuckers‚’ Ira spat‚ shooting to her feet. She was always going to be the first to react. Her face set tight as though she was ready to explode. I gently shook my head at Ira and she sat back down biting back her response. She took Naaim’s hand.
Zafar was leant forward‚ head in hands. Tahir had his hands out in front of him as he silently whispered a prayer.
‘Layla. Is she all right?’ I asked.
Naaim continued‚ still staring up at the tube light. ‘She was on the floor‚ crumpled in the footwell. She had her back to me as if she was ashamed. As if it were her fault. I picked up her hijab and handed it to her. It was drenched in beer. Her hands were shaking as she tied it back on and then... and then she turned to me and she gave me this look‚ as though... I hadn’t been there for her... I wanted to hold her in my arms but I knew I had lost the right to ever touch her again.
‘She slowly got to her feet and walked away from me using the back of each seat for support. At the next stop she got off the bus and walked back in the direction of her home.’
‘Have you seen her since?’ I asked before silence consumed the room.
‘I don’t know if that’s a good idea‚’ Tahir said. ‘Her family will help her get through it.’
‘You could drop her a text?’ Zafar suggested.
‘I went to see her this morning.’ Naaim closed his eyes tightly‚ stopping the tears from escaping. ‘I knocked on her door. Her brother opened it. He must have worked out that it was because of me that Ira had walked out the night before and come back late. He was fuming. Their dad appeared behind him‚ demanding to know what I had done‚ said that she hadn’t come out of her room all morning‚ had locked herself in and wouldn’t answer her door. He was waving a key in his hand‚ said he’s going to let himself in and find out for himself.’
Naaim dropped his head‚ his eyes still squeezed shut. He placed his hands on the sides of his head and applied pressure‚ causing his features to scrunch up in the middle of his face.
‘He went upstairs and... I heard him scream... loud... so fucking loud‚ deep‚ guttural. I’ll never forget it. Her brother slammed the door in my face and I could hear his footsteps rushing up the stairs. I walked across the road and stared up at Layla’s window.
‘Through the curtain I could see her hanging from the ceiling. Her body swaying from side to side. Her father and her brother had been too late to save her.’
13
Heathrow Airport: Arrivals
‘Remove your sunglasses.’ The short‚ rotund‚ smug bastard Kafir at Passport Control rudely instructed.
‘Excuse me?’ Pathaan said peering down at him‚ as he slowly ran a hand through his oil-slicked hair. He was fully aware that he would be asked to remove his sunglasses. He was also aware that he should be keeping a low profile‚ especially travelling with a fake passport. But it was the instigator in him that liked to push just that little bit. Especially with Westerners and their lack of manners.
The Immigration Officer cleared his throat‚ forced a smile. ‘Would you mind removing your sunglasses‚ please?’
Pathaan slowly ran his tongue over his teeth‚ enjoying the remnants of the last paan that he had devoured on the plane‚ smiled and then removed his sunglasses. After a long look at the passport and the Hindu name‚ the Immigration Officer handed it back to him.
‘Enjoy your stay‚ Mr Arav.’
Pathaan bristled at being called that‚ but it was necessity. He had already seen a family hauled in for questioning‚ most likely because at least one of them was called Mohammed. He took back his passport and smiled warmly at the Immigration Officer‚ fantasizing about how he would look with a plastic bag wrapped tightly around his fat head‚ gasping‚ praying for mercy as he died painfully at Pathaan’s feet.
Pathaan placed his sunglasses back on‚ picked up his black leather holdall‚ and walked through Terminal 3 arrivals at London’s Heathrow Airport. Final destination: Hounslow.
14
Imy
I had some making up to do. Damn‚ I had some making up to do. Jack was a sensitive soul; it happens when you grow up without your old man. It was the kind of thing that could make you feel like the whole world was against you; the kind of thing that could make you hard as steel. I knew a little something about that.
I was already beyond late when I pulled up outside Khala’s house. So I left the engine running and hoped for a swift extraction.
‘Crazy boy racer‚ what is wrong with you?’ Khala exclaimed. ‘Did you leave gas on? Is your house burning down?’
‘Sorry‚ Khala. I have to be somewhere.’ I kept my foot firmly on the brake and slipped the gear into first.
‘Switch the car off‚ you are wasting petrol.’
‘Khala... Really‚ I have to go.’
‘What is more important than your future? I am sure Shahzad can wait five minutes more. We need to talk.’
‘I’m not seeing Shaz‚ Khala.’
‘Then?’
Rather than explain‚ I stuck the car into neutral and switched off the engine. ‘Okay‚ Khala‚’ I sighed‚ scratching the hell out of the back of my head.
‘Are you using the coconut oil that I gave you for your hair? It will stop all this itching. You look like a homeless person when you scratch your head like that. Have you seen Doctor? You could have nits.’
I couldn’t help but smile. Yes‚ she was frustrating the hell out of me and yes‚ she was overprotective‚ even for an Asian parent‚ but all her annoying qualities were full of love. I dropped my hands and forced them to stay on my lap.
‘So‚’ she said‚ her eyes sparkling. ‘What did you think?’
‘She was alright‚’ I said.
‘Just alright?’
Rukhsana may possibly have been the most perfect girl that I had ever met. Her baby pink embroidered kameez hid her modesty‚ but it also revealed a little untouched paradise. Her lips were full and red and when she broke out of playing the shy Muslim girl and met my eyes‚ they were full of mischief and promise. With a silvery tone‚ she spoke well‚ able to hold her own in a variety of subjects. She moved us with her considered view on the recent Paris attack and made us howl with laughter with a joke about a Pakistani politician that I’d never heard before. The way she moved across the room made me want –
Damn! I was so late.
‘Yes‚ she was... She was cool‚’ I said‚ as precious seconds ticked away.
‘I know what cool means‚ Beta. Your Khala knows!’ She wobbled her head from side to side. ‘She is cool. Okay I will tell them. You like her‚ yes.’
‘She seems nice‚ but it’s early days‚’ I sighed‚ loudly. ‘Just don’t go buying any gold sets yet‚ okay.’
Khala smiled at me as though she had heard something altogether different to what I had told her. I didn’t have the time or the heart to tell her it could never happen. That was a different conversation for a different day. She put her hand on mine‚ wobbled her head again and finally left.
*
Jack probably didn’t know that his mum was at her bedroom window waiting for me. Stephanie probably didn’t know that her son was at his bedroom window‚ waiting for me.
I killed the engine as I parked in the driveway. Jack beamed down at me and left his station at the window. I got out of the car and waved up at Stephanie‚ but her smile wasn’t as bright. I could hear the scrape of a chair being dragged and I knew Jack was pulling it to the front door to give him height so he could remove the safety chain. The door flung open and he flew at me‚ head down‚ arms pumping‚ bare feet against the cold paving‚ I swept him up in my arms and peppered him with kisses.
Over his shoulder‚ Stephanie was leaning against the door frame. In the photo that she had sent me of them both in the makeshift camp‚ her dark hair was curled‚ and she was wearing a turquoise dress. Her hair was now tied back‚ the dress replaced with jeans and a faded Stone Roses T-shirt.
‘How much trouble am I in?’ I whispered to Jack‚ my eyes trained on Stephanie.
‘Mummy went to the hairdressers today and her hair was curly-wurly.’
‘Wow‚ that much‚ huh?’
I carried him inside and kissed Stephanie‚ she turned her head away and my lips grazed her cheek.
‘It’s past his bedtime‚’ she said.
‘Do you mind if I...?’ I asked‚ and she nodded.
*
I had just finished reading Dear Zoo under the lamp light in Jack’s camp. He was too in and out of sleep throughout to enjoy it‚ and I cursed myself for making him wait so long for me. I lifted the duvet up to his chest and held him from behind‚ waiting for his breathing to settle.
‘Imy?’ he whispered.
‘Jack‚’ I replied‚ pleased in a way that he was still awake.
‘You know Sammy Murphy from Year two‚ he’s in Mrs Stevens’ class?’
‘Sure‚ what about Sammy Murphy?’ I waited for a response. It seemed as though he was weighing up how to say what was on his mind.
‘His dad never plays with him.’
‘Oh‚ I see.’ My heart fell‚ I could already feel what was coming next. Jack never ever talked about his own father‚ but on occasion he would use a proxy to discuss how he was feeling.
‘He’s always late home and then one day he didn’t come home at all.’
I held him a little tighter‚ my face touched the back of his head‚ and smelt the wave of innocence coming off him. I struggled for a response. He fidgeted a bit and then shifted his body around so he was facing me‚ our noses nearly touching.