A Forever Family: Their Christmas Delivery
But things were as they were, and she’d have to make the best of it instead of whining for something she knew wasn’t going to happen.
‘Did Jane reply to your text?’ he asked.
‘Not yet. And it wasn’t an emergency, so I’m not expecting her to pick it up until at least tomorrow.’
‘You’re probably right,’ he said. ‘Hope’s temperature has come down a lot, but it’s probably too much for her to go out for a stroll in the park.’ There was a definite wistfulness in his expression as he glanced at the pram.
‘Maybe tomorrow,’ she said.
After lunch, they spent the afternoon playing board games. ‘I haven’t done this for a while, either,’ she admitted ruefully. ‘I’d forgotten how much fun it is.’
‘Remember what you said to me,’ he said. ‘Make the time for stuff you enjoy.’
* * *
Josh sketched Hope again in the back of the notebook after her next feed, and couldn’t resist making a sneaky sketch of Amy. Though in a way that was a bad idea, because it made him really aware of the curve of her mouth and the way her hair fell—and it made him want to touch her.
He still couldn’t shake how it had felt this morning to draw her into his arms and hold her close. OK, so they’d both been dog-tired and in need of comfort after their worry about Hope and a very broken night—but it had felt so right to hold her like that and fall asleep with her on the sofa.
For Hope’s sake, he needed to rein himself back a bit.
‘While Madam’s asleep,’ Amy said, thankfully oblivious to what he’d been thinking, ‘maybe I can teach you how to cook something really simple and really impressive.’
‘Which is?’ he asked.
‘Baked salmon with sweet chilli sauce, served with mangetout and crushed new potatoes.’
It sounded complicated. But clearly Amy was good at her day job, because she gave him really clear instructions and talked him through making dinner.
‘I can’t believe I made this,’ he said, looking at the plates. After the first mouthful, he amended that to, ‘I really can’t believe I made this.’
‘Healthy and impressive,’ she said. ‘And it’s easy. Josh, what you do at work every day is way harder than cooking dinner.’
‘Maybe.’ But cooking for one was no fun. Which was the main reason why he lived on toasted sandwiches and takeaways.
They spent the evening curled up on the sofa, watching films. Josh was careful this time not to give in to the temptation of holding Amy’s hand or drawing her into his arms.
But, after Hope’s last feed of the evening, he could see the worry on Amy’s face.
‘Maybe we should both sleep on the sofa again tonight,’ he said. ‘We can still take turns at getting up for her, but it also means if you’re worried you can wake me more quickly.’
She took a deep breath. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way,’ she said, ‘but I was thinking along the same lines. My bed’s a double and it’ll be a lot more comfortable than the sofa. We’re adults and we can share a bed without...’
His mouth went dry as he finished the sentence mentally. Without making love.
Which was what he really wanted to do with Amy. Kiss her, discover where she liked being touched and what made her eyes go dark with pleasure.
‘Fully dressed,’ he said. Because lying in bed with her, with them both wearing pyjamas, might be a little too much temptation for him to resist. And he hoped she couldn’t hear the slight huskiness in his voice.
‘Of course.’
Her bedroom was exactly as he’d expected, all soft creams and feminine, yet without being frilly or fussy and over the top. There was a framed picture of a seascape on the wall, the curtains were floral chintz, and the whole room was restful and peaceful.
Though when he lay next to her in bed with the light off—with both of them fully dressed—he was far from feeling restful and peaceful. He was too aware of the last time he’d shared a bed with someone, just over a year ago. OK, so he’d finally got to the stage where he could move on with his life... But could it be with Amy? He definitely had feelings for her, and he was fairly sure that it was mutual; but was it because they’d had this intense sharing of space over the last few days, while they’d been looking after Hope, or was it something real? Would he be enough for her, the way he hadn’t been for Kelly? Or would everything between them change again at New Year, once the baby had gone?
* * *
When Hope cried, Amy got out of bed on autopilot and scooped the baby from the Moses basket. As she padded into the kitchen with the baby in her arms, she woke up fully. Was it her imagination, or did Hope feel hot again?
And then Hope only took half her usual amount of milk.
Panic welled through her, and she switched on her bedside light on its lowest setting. ‘Josh.’
He woke immediately and sat up. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘I might be being paranoid, but she didn’t take that much milk just now, and I think she’s hot again.’
He checked the baby over, then grabbed the thermometer and took her temperature. ‘Her temperature’s normal.’
‘So I’m just being ridiculous.’
He settled the baby back into the Moses basket. ‘No. You’re being completely normal. I’d worry, too.’ He wrapped his arms round her. ‘You’re doing just fine, Amy.’
For someone who was never going to be a mum?
She wasn’t sure what made her lean into him—the worry that had made her knees sag, or just the fact that he was there, holding her and seeming to infuse his strength into her as he kept his arms round her.
And was that his mouth against her cheek, in a reassuring kiss?
Something made her tip her head back.
The next thing she knew, his mouth was against hers. Soft, reassuring, gentle.
And then it wasn’t like that any more, because somehow her mouth had opened beneath his and her arms were wrapped round his neck, and he was holding her much more tightly. And the warmth turned to heat, to sheer molten desire.
Then he pulled back.
Oh, God. How embarrassing was she? Throwing herself at her neighbour. Pathetic.
‘Sorry,’ she mumbled, hanging her head and unable to meet his eyes. Hot shame bubbled through her. What the hell had she just done?
‘I should be the one apologising to you.’
Because he’d been kind? Because he’d stopped before she’d really made a fool of herself?
‘No,’ she muttered, still not wanting to look at him and see the pity in his face.
‘Maybe I should sleep on your sofa again,’ he said.
And then things would be even more awkward between them in the morning. ‘No, it’s fine. We’re neighbours—friends—and we’re adults; and we both need to be here for Hope.’ She took a deep breath. ‘We can both pretend that just now didn’t happen.’
‘Good idea,’ he said.
But she still couldn’t face him when she climbed into bed and switched off the light. And she noticed that there was a very large gap in the bed between them, as if he felt as uncomfortable and embarrassed about the situation as she did.
If only she’d kept that iron control she’d prided herself on so much before today. If only she hadn’t kissed him. If only she hadn’t given in to temptation.
She’d just have to hope that the broken night would affect his memory and he’d forget everything about what had just happened.
And she’d really have to put out of her mind how good it had felt in those moments when he’d kissed her back.
CHAPTER SIX
Bank Holiday Monday
AMY WAS WARM and deeply, deeply comfortable.
And then she realised why.
Somehow, during the night, the large gap in the bed between her and Josh had closed. Now her head was pillowed on his shoulder, his arm was round her shoulders, her arm was wrapped round his waist, and her fingers were twined with his.
They were sleeping like lovers.
Oh, help. This was a seriously bad idea. She couldn’t offer Josh a future and it wasn’t fair to lead him on.
Gently, she disentangled her fingers from his. She’d just started to wriggle quietly out of his arms, hoping she wouldn’t wake him, when he said, ‘Good morning.’
No running away from the situation, then. They were going to have to face this head on.
‘Good morning,’ she muttered. ‘I—um—sorry about this.’
‘Me, too.’ Though he didn’t sound concerned or embarrassed.
‘I—um—we’re both tired and sleep-deprived,’ she said. ‘And I guess this was bound to happen as we’re sharing a bed. Propinquity and all that. It doesn’t mean we have...’ She paused, looking for the right word. ‘Intentions.’
‘Absolutely,’ he agreed.
Was he smiling?
She didn’t dare look.
‘I’ll go and make us a cup of tea before Hope wakes,’ she said, and wriggled out of his arms properly.
She splashed her face with cold water in the bathroom, in the hope that it would bring back her common sense. It didn’t. She could still feel the warmth of Josh’s arms around her, and she wanted more. So much more.
How selfish could she get?
Cross with her own stupidity, she filled the kettle with water and rummaged in the cupboard for the tea bags.
* * *
Waking with Amy in his arms was just what Josh had been dreaming about. It had taken him a moment to realise that he was awake, and she really was in his arms.
She’d blamed it on them both being tired and sleep-deprived, and the fact that they’d slept in the same bed. But she’d sounded distinctly flustered.
So did she feel the same way about him that he was starting to feel about her?
He’d promised himself that he’d hold back from starting a relationship with her until after the baby was settled—either with her birth mother, or with long-term foster parents. But they’d kissed, last night. They’d woken in each other’s arms, as if they were meant to be there. He’d been awake before Amy and she’d stayed in his arms for a few moments after she’d woken—which she wouldn’t have done if she hadn’t wanted to be there.
So maybe he needed to be brave and tell her what was in his head, and see if she felt the same way.
He climbed out of bed, checked that Hope was still asleep and not overheated, and then walked into the kitchen. Amy was making the tea, dressed in rumpled clothes and with her hair all over the place—and she’d never looked more beautiful to him or more natural.
‘Hey.’ He walked over to her and wrapped his arms round her. ‘I know I probably shouldn’t be doing this, and we don’t know each other very well, but we’ve spent a lot of time together over the last couple of days and I really like you.’ He paused. ‘And I think you might like me too.’
This was the moment where either she would push him away in utter shock and he’d have to avoid her for the next six months until things were back on an even keel between them, or she would tell him that she felt the same.
He really hoped it was going to be the latter.
But then an expression of pure misery crossed her face and she stepped back out of his embrace. ‘I do like you,’ she admitted, ‘but we can’t do this.’
‘Because of the baby?’
She took a deep breath. ‘No, not because of her.’
‘Then why?’ Josh asked, not understanding.
‘I need to tell you something about myself.’ She finished making the mugs of tea, and handed one to him. ‘Let’s go and sit down.’
‘This sounds serious.’
‘It is,’ she said grimly, ‘and there isn’t an easy way to say it, so I’m not going to sugar-coat it.’
He followed her into the living room. She sat down at one end of the sofa; he sat next to her, wondering just what kind of bombshell she was about to drop. Was she still married to her ex? No, she couldn’t be—hadn’t she said something about him getting married to someone else and expecting a baby now? So what kind of thing would hold her back from starting a new relationship?
He could see her eyes fill with tears. Whatever it was, it was something really serious. Something that hurt her. And he ached for her.
Finally, she said, her voice sounding broken, ‘I can’t have children.’
Josh wanted to reach out and take her hand and tell her that it didn’t change the way he felt, but he could see the ‘hands off’ signals written all over her. And as a doctor he knew the value of silence. If he let her talk, tell him exactly what was holding her back, then he might have more of a chance of being able to counter her arguments.
‘That’s why Michael—my ex—broke off our engagement and left,’ she continued.
Josh was horrified. It must’ve been hard enough for Amy, finding out that she couldn’t have children, but then for the man who was supposed to love her and want to marry her to walk out on her over the issue... That shocked him to the core. How could Michael have been so selfish? Why hadn’t he put Amy first? And how it must’ve hurt her when she’d learned that his new wife was expecting a baby.
‘We’d been trying for a baby for a year or so without success, so we went for investigations to find out why we couldn’t conceive.’ She looked away. ‘I knew that the guy I’d dated before Michael had cheated on me. I found it had been more than once and with more than one other woman, and that’s why I left him. I didn’t want to stay with someone who didn’t love me or respect me enough to be faithful. But what I didn’t realise was that he’d given me chlamydia.’
Josh knew then exactly what had happened to her. ‘You didn’t have any symptoms?’
She shook her head. ‘And obviously, because I didn’t know I had it, that meant I was still infected when I started seeing Michael and we moved in together. I infected Michael. He didn’t have symptoms, either.’
Quite a high percentage of people who’d been infected with chlamydia didn’t have symptoms. Not that it would comfort her to know that. ‘Amy, it wasn’t your fault.’
She shook her head. ‘I should’ve been more careful. Used condoms with Gavin—the one who cheated on me—instead of the Pill.’
How could she possibly blame herself? ‘Before you found out that he’d cheated on you, you trusted him. How long were you together?’
‘Two years.’
‘So of course you’d think the Pill was a safe form of contraception. Any woman in your shoes would.’ Josh shook his head, angry on her behalf. ‘Gavin cheated on you, and he was the one who infected you. How could anyone possibly think it was your fault?’
‘Because I should’ve got myself checked out. I should’ve realised that, because Gavin had been sleeping around, there could be consequences.’
‘But you didn’t have symptoms. Actually, around two thirds of women and about fifty per cent of men don’t have symptoms if they’re infected with chlamydia. And, if you don’t have symptoms, how are you supposed to know there’s a problem? It’s not your fault,’ he said again. ‘I’m probably speaking out of turn, but it was totally unfair of Michael to blame you.’
‘It happened. And you can’t change the past, just learn from it.’ She shrugged. ‘So now you know. As a doctor, you’ve probably already guessed what the problem is, but I’ll spell it out for you. The chlamydia gave me pelvic inflammatory disease and the scar tissue blocked my Fallopian tubes, so I can’t have children. If you’re looking to have a family in the future, then I’m not the one for you and we need to call a halt to this right now.’
And that was really what was holding her back? This time, he did reach over and take her hand. ‘First of all, having children isn’t the be-all and end-all of a relationship. Lots of couples can’t have children or choose not to. It doesn’t make their relationship and how they feel about each other any less valid. And if this thing between us works out the way I hope it might, then if we do decide in the future that we want children then we still have options. Did your specialist not mention IVF?’
She swallowed. ‘Yes, but Michael didn’t want to do that.’
Josh wasn’t surprised. And he’d just bet the other man’s reasoning was purely to do with himself, not to do with how tough the IVF process could be for a woman.
‘It’s not an easy option and there are no cast-iron guarantees,’ he said, ‘but it’s still an option for tubal infertility. One of the doctors I trained with had severe endometriosis which blocked her Fallopian tubes, and she had a baby through IVF last year.’
Was that hope he saw flickering in her eyes, just then?
‘And if that’s not a route you want to go down—because the treatment cycle is pretty gruelling and it isn’t for everyone—there’s fostering or adoption.’
She blinked, as if not expecting him to have reacted that way. ‘Michael wasn’t prepared to even consider that.’
Because Michael was a selfish toad. Not that it was Josh’s place to say so. ‘I’m not Michael,’ he said.
‘I know.’ She took a deep breath. ‘But I wanted you to know the situation upfront. So, if it’s a problem for you, you can walk away now and there’s no damage to either of us.’
Even though they’d only got close to each other over the last couple of days, Josh had the strongest feeling that walking away from her would definitely cause damage to both of them.
‘I like you,’ he said again, ‘and I think you might just like me back. And that’s what’s important here. Everything else is just details and we can work them out. Together.’
She looked at him as if she didn’t quite believe him.
‘If you want to work them out, that is,’ he said. ‘Your infertility doesn’t make any difference to the way I feel about you. I still want to start dating you properly. Get to know you.’
‘And it’s really that easy?’
‘It is for me.’ He paused. ‘Though, since you told me about your ex, I guess you need to know about mine.’
* * *
The woman who’d left him last Christmas Eve, pregnant with another man’s child.
Amy really couldn’t understand why on earth anyone would dump a man like Josh—a man who was kind and caring as well as easy on the eye. In the intense couple of days they’d spent together, she hadn’t found a deal-breaking flaw in him.
‘Kelly worked in advertising—so maybe if I’d gone to art college instead of med school we would’ve ended up working together.’ He shrugged. ‘But we met at a party, where we were both a friend of a friend. We fell for each other, moved in together a couple of weeks later and got married within three months.’
Alarm bells rang in the back of Amy’s head. Wasn’t this exactly what she and Josh were doing? Falling in love with each other a little too quickly and not thinking things through? A whirlwind romance had gone badly wrong for him before. Then again, her last two relationships had both lasted for a couple of years, so taking things slowly hadn’t exactly worked for her, either.
‘I assumed Kelly would want a family at some point in the future, the way I did, and she assumed that we were both ambitious and were going to put our careers first,’ he said. ‘We probably should have talked about that a lot more before we got married.’
He wanted a family.
Amy’s heart sank.
OK, he’d said to her that her infertility didn’t make a difference. But it did. As he’d said, IVF treatment could be gruelling and there were no guarantees that it would work. She’d looked into it, in the days when she’d still hoped that Michael might change his mind, and the chances of having a baby were roughly one in four. Odds which might not be good enough for Josh. Right now, they were looking after a baby together. What would happen in New Year, when life went back to normal? Would he realise then what a mistake he was making, trying to make a go of things with her?
‘Kelly was working really long hours on the promise of getting a promotion. Obviously I supported her,’ Josh continued, ‘but then she fell in love with one of her colleagues. She said they tried to fight the attraction; but, on one project they were working on together, they went to visit a client and it meant an overnight stay. They were in rooms next to each other in the hotel; they’d had dinner out with the client and too much wine; and one thing led to another. That’s when the affair started.’
Clearly Josh hadn’t had a clue about it. Amy reached over and squeezed his hand. ‘That’s hard.’
‘Yeah.’ He sighed. ‘She got the promotion, but she was still working crazy hours. I assumed it was because of the pressure of work in her new job, but it was actually because she was seeing the other guy.’ He gave her a wry smile. ‘Then she told me she was pregnant.’
‘And you thought it was yours?’
‘I knew it wasn’t,’ he said softly, ‘because we’d both been working mad hours and were too tired to do anything more than fall into bed and go straight to sleep when we got home at night. We hadn’t had sex for a couple of months, so there was no way the baby could possibly be mine. Though Kelly never lied to me about it. She told me it was his and she was sorry—she’d fallen in love with him and was leaving me.’ He looked away. ‘Funny, she ended up with the family she said she didn’t want, but maybe it was really that she just didn’t want to have a family with me. I wasn’t enough for her.’
How could Josh possibly not be enough for someone? Amy squeezed his hand again. ‘Josh, you didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t your fault.’ She gave him an awkward smile. ‘I guess you can’t help who you fall in love with.’ Hadn’t she made that same mistake, falling for Mr Wrong?
‘And Kelly was fair about it. She didn’t try to heap the blame on me for the divorce.’
‘Even when the split’s amicable, it’s still tough,’ Amy said. ‘I’m sorry you got hurt like that.’
‘But?’ he asked, clearly sensing that she had doubts.
‘But,’ she said softly, ‘you said you wanted to have a family with Kelly. Even if we put IVF into the equation, there’s still a very strong chance I won’t be able to give you a family. So I’ll understand if you want us to stay just friends.’
He shook his head. ‘I want more than that from you, Amy. And in any relationship you have to make a compromise.’
‘But this is one hell of a compromise. It means giving up on your plans to have a family.’
‘Right now, it’s still early days between you and me, and we’re not making any promises to each other of happy ever after,’ he said. ‘But I really like you, Amy, and if it’s a choice of being with you and looking at alternatives for having a family, or not being with you, then I’m on the side of alternatives.’ He smiled at her. ‘And we’re not doing so badly with Hope. I’m beginning to think that her mum gave her exactly the right name, and also that you were right because the baby’s giving us the Christmas we both need. She’s brought us together and she’s giving us a chance to find happiness again—together.’
Amy thought about it. ‘Yes,’ she said.
‘So, you and me. No pressure. We’ll see where things take us.’
‘Sounds good to me,’ Amy said. And it felt as if spring flowers had just pushed through the ground to brighten up the days after a long, long winter.
* * *
Just before lunch, Jane the social worker rang. ‘How’s the baby doing?’ she asked.
‘Fine,’ Amy said. ‘She’s still got a bit of a temperature, but it’s going down.’
‘Good. So what’s this theory you’ve got about the baby’s mum?’
‘Hang on—let me put you on speaker phone so Josh can hear as well and chip in,’ Amy said. ‘We think she might be a girl in my form. I didn’t recognise the handwriting on the note because I don’t actually teach her, so there’s no reason for me ever to see her work or her writing.’
‘We did think about maybe going round to see her for a chat,’ Josh said.
‘No—it’s better to leave this to the authorities,’ Jane said, ‘especially if you don’t have any proof that it’s definitely her. What makes you think it’s her, Amy?’
‘She’s gone very quiet, lately. I did bring it up with her mum, who said it was because her new partner had moved in and Freya was having trouble adjusting to the idea of someone she saw trying to take her dad’s place.’ She paused. ‘Freya wears quite baggy clothes, not skinny trousers or anything. And because it’s winter it’s easier to hide a pregnancy under a baggy sweater.’