To The Castle

Four

The first thing Lady Alice did to reclaim her daughter was to give her a bath and wash her hair. Nell had never been so embarrassed in her life. In the convent they had worn bath sheets, which went over the head and covered the sides of the tub like a tent, so that they could not see themselves naked. Lady Alice scorned the bath sheet. She had the servants set the big wooden bathtub up in a splash of sunshine from the window, and she herself set to work on her daughter. It was as if she thought she could scour all the years in the convent away from Nell if she scrubbed hard enough. Her hair was washed and rinsed three times before Lady Alice was satisfied.

The castle ladies had done a hasty job of taking up and taking in one of Sybilla’s gowns, and Lady Alice dressed Nell in it once she had come out of the bath. Then her hair was toweled briskly and braided into two long plaits that would fall over her shoulders when they had completely dried.

“Take a look,” Lady Alice said, handing Nell the first mirror she had ever seen. Nell peered in it cautiously, a little afraid of what she was going to find.

A girl with large, wary, dark blue eyes looked back at her. She had delicate eyebrows and a small, straight nose. There was color from the bath in her cheeks and her lips.

I’m pretty, Nell thought, and tried to squash the pleasure she felt at this discovery. Mother Margaret would say that worldly looks were not important and certainly were no measure of the worth of a person.

“You’re a very pretty girl, my dear,” Lady Alida said.

“Yes, you are,” Lady Alice agreed. “You don’t look like Sybilla, you look more like your grandmother—my mother. She was small and delicate, like you. But she ran a great household and raised a family at the same time, and so will you, Nell.”

I’m not Sybilla, even though I am wearing her dress, Nell thought, clenching her teeth. I’m Nell. I was brought up in a convent. I know nothing of how to run a great household. I don’t want to be married. I don’t want to run a great household. I want to go home.

But the convent was closed to her. As miserable as it made her, she was going to have to remain here at Bardney.

Over the next week, Nell attended meals and helped her mother and the ladies sew her new wardrobe. In the evenings she sat in front of the fire and listened to one of the squires play the lute. Outwardly she was docile and obedient to her parents, but inside she was grieving for the loss of her old life, for the loss of Sister Helen. At night she would kneel on the wooden floor of her room to say her prayers and ask the Lord to send her back to St. Cecelia’s. Then, almost as an afterthought, she would pray dutifully, If it is your will that I stay here, Lord, help me to learn to love my mother and my father. Help me to be a good daughter and to do good works in this strange place.

Then she would get into bed, loneliness engulfing her heart, and cry herself to sleep.

Ten days after Nell’s arrival at Bardney, the Earl of Lincoln’s usher approached the high table to tell the earl that his messenger had returned from Wiltshire with a reply.

“Send him to me,” the earl said, returning the piece of meat he had been about to eat back to his trencher. Nell, who was sitting between her mother and her aunt, heard the usher’s announcement but didn’t think much of it. She chewed slowly on her beef and didn’t notice the way her mother had stiffened.

The messenger came into the hall still wearing his spurs and carrying his helmet under one arm. He threaded his way between the trestle tables where the household was dining until he stood in front of Lord Raoul. He bowed his head. “My lord,” he said, “I bring you the reply to your missive. The Earl of Wiltshire bade me give it directly into your hand.”

“Thank you, Waldo,” the earl replied and took the rolled parchment from his messenger’s hand. “Sit you down and have some dinner.”

“Thank you, my lord.”

Nell watched as the messenger found an empty place at one of the tables. He was greeted genially by his fellow diners, and a servant came scurrying with a trencher for him to put his meat upon. Another servant poured him some ale.

Nell looked back at her plate. There was so much meat served in her father’s house! In the convent, meat had been a luxury. Fish had been the food of choice, either caught fresh from the river or salted and dried.

Conversation at the high table was suspended while the earl read his letter. Then he rolled it up again and put it on the table next to his wineglass. He turned to his wife.

“All is well,” he said. “They want to proceed as quickly as possible.”

Lady Alice glanced at Nell. “It might be wise to wait a little, my lord.”

The earl shook his head. “This is a great matter, not something to be delayed because of a girl’s sensibilities. I will write to Lord William that we will be ready to receive him in two weeks’ time.”

Lady Alice did not reply.

“You haven’t seen the falcons yet, Nell,” Alida said brightly to Nell. “After dinner why don’t you come with me to look at them?”

Nell looked at her aunt. “That would be nice, Aunt Alida. Thank you.”

There was a smile on Lord Raoul’s lips. “A little more wine here, if you please,” he called heartily. One of the squires who was standing behind the table hastened forward with the wine for his lord.

Lord Raoul took a deep swallow, then he turned to Nell. “Never mind the falcons. Your mother and I want to talk to you after dinner, Nell. You will attend us in the family solar.”

“Yes, Father,” Nell said with some surprise. Her father had paid very little attention to her since she had come home.

When dinner was finished, mother, father and daughter climbed the stairs to the tower room that was the private family solar. The room was well furnished and comfortable, with a charcoal brazier for heat in the winter. The earl sat in a wide, carved, high-backed chair and his wife sat beside him. Her father waved Nell to a third chair that faced his. The chair was so high that Nell’s feet would not reach the ground, so she placed them on the embroidered footstool that was in front of it.

The earl began. “Nell, have you heard that your sister was betrothed to the grandson and heir of the Earl of Wiltshire?”

Nell clasped her hands tensely in her lap. She sensed that something big was forthcoming. “No, my lord,” she replied. “I did not know that.”

“The earldom of Wiltshire is very large,” her father explained. “And once the holdings of Wiltshire are combined with the holdings of Lincoln…Well, the man who holds that combined title will be almost as powerful as the king. So you can see that this marriage is a great thing for our house.”

Nell’s heart had begun to thud. She glanced at her mother. The countess was looking at her with an expression of pity in her eyes. Terror struck Nell’s heart. She thought she knew what was coming.

The earl continued on. “Sybilla’s death was a blow to my hopes, but fortunately I have another daughter. I wrote to the Earl of Wiltshire and today I have had his response. He is willing to see you wed to his grandson in place of Sybilla.”

Nell felt herself grow icy cold. She tried to speak and found she could not.

Her father said, “Earl William wants to see this marriage accomplished as soon as possible. I am going to write to tell him that we will be ready to receive him in two weeks’ time, on the date we set for the original wedding.”

“Her wardrobe will not be ready, my lord,” her mother interjected. “Surely we can put it off for a month at least.”

“That is not possible,” the earl said. “You were making clothes for Sybilla. Nell can wear those.”

Nell turned to her mother. “Mama, I am not ready to get married!”

Her mother said softly, “I am sorry this must come upon you so quickly, Nell. But you are the daughter of a great house. You must do your duty, I’m afraid.”

Nell could feel herself trembling. “You didn’t care about me when I was a child—you sent me away to the convent and forgot about me.” Her voice shook with anger. “And now you talk to me about my duty to my house? My duty is to God.”

The earl’s face darkened with anger. “Your duty is to obey your parents. I believe the Commandments—God’s Commandments—are very clear about that. And I tell you that you will marry Roger de Roche in two weeks’ time. That is all I have to say on this matter.” The earl stood up. His dark blue eyes looked very cold.

“Talk to your daughter,” he said to his wife.

Both women sat in silence as the earl exited from the room. Then Nell turned white-faced to her mother. “I don’t want to get married so soon, Mama! I don’t know anything about men. I have scarcely left the convent.”

Lady Alice leaned over and patted Nell’s clasped hands. “I know, my dear. But your father is set upon this great dynastic match and he won’t risk something happening to stop it. There is nothing I can say or do that will make him change his mind.”

Nell started to tremble all over. “I still feel a stranger at Bardney, and I have you and Aunt Alida. It will be terrible going to another castle, where I won’t know anyone.”

“Girls do it all the time, my dear. Perhaps Alida would go to stay with you for a few months.”

Nell didn’t say anything, she just continued to tremble.

“Sybilla was looking forward to this marriage,” Alice said brightly. “You will be a very great lady, Nell. You will have brought Lincoln, with all its castles and manors, into your husband’s keeping. He will reverence you for that.”

This can’t be happening, Nell thought with terror. She looked imploringly at her mother. “I’m just not ready for this, Mama,” she whispered.

Lady Alice came to sit on the arm of Nell’s chair and hugged her. “I will help you get ready,” she promised. “And, Nell, you must know it was very painful for me to send my little girl off to the convent. If I hadn’t thought that it was God’s will I could never have done it. And I missed you. Sybilla and Geoffrey could never fill the gap that you left.”

Nell turned her head and looked into her mother’s eyes. “Is that true?”

“Yes.”

“You used to come to visit me, but then you stopped.”

“Your father thought that I should leave you to the convent and not keep reasserting other ties. I could see that you were happy where you were, so I left you to immerse yourself in convent life. It was hard for me to do that, Nell. You may not believe that, but it was. Just as it was hard for me to send Geoffrey to be a squire in the Earl of Hertford’s castle. But that is the fate of a mother. You will find that out for yourself one day. We bear children, we love them, and then we must send them away to be brought up by other people. That is the way of the world, my dear. There is no use in railing against it.”

Nell thought it sounded like a dismal life. The convent, with its structured life, its warm, continuing friendships, was much more desirable.

“I don’t think I like the world, Mama,” she said in a little voice.

Her mother smiled. “You know nothing about the world, my dear. It may not be as safe as your convent, but it is brimming with life and love. Open yourself to life, Nell. Embrace it. Don’t look backwards. Don’t be afraid. Your future is an adventure where you might find happiness you never dreamed of. Give it a chance. Will you do that for me, sweeting?”

They’re making me marry a stranger, they’re sending me away again, and they want me to be happy?

Nell stared at her lap and didn’t answer.

Lady Alice started toward the door and after a moment Nell followed. I don’t want to get married, she thought desperately. I don’t want to get married.

But it was clear that her thoughts and feelings were of no matter to her father. It would serve him right if I died, too, she thought.

She fought back tears as she went with her mother down the stairs to the Great Hall. In her mind she turned for solace to the only friend she had. Dear God, she prayed, if it is your will that I marry this man, please give me the courage to face what must be faced. I beg you to help me, Father. I don’t know how I will be able to get through this alone.

Five

For Nell, the time until the date set for her marriage went by far too quickly. Every morning she woke up thinking, I’m another day closer to my wedding. And her stomach would churn and wouldn’t stop churning until she finally fell asleep again at night. She had no appetite and she lost weight, to the dismay of the ladies who were altering Sybilla’s clothes to fit her.

“You must eat,” her mother scolded her one afternoon as they sat at the table for dinner.

Nell looked at the food on her plate and her stomach heaved. “I’m not hungry, Mama,” she said.

Her mother said worriedly, “You didn’t have any weight to spare when you first arrived here, and this refusal to eat is making you look like the daughter of a poverty-stricken house.”

The earl, who had been in conversation with his chaplain, turned his head. “What is the matter here?” he asked his wife.

Lady Alice hesitated, then she said, “Nell is not eating properly, my lord. She grows too thin.”

The earl frowned at Nell. “What is the matter with you? The food at Bardney is of the best.”

“The food here is wonderful, Father,” Nell said quickly. “It’s just that I am not hungry.”

“If you are fasting, I am here to tell you that this is not the time. You are not a religious any longer, Nell. You are my daughter and I want you to eat.”

He turned to the chaplain. “Tell her, Father, that it is not appropriate for her to fast.”

Before the priest could speak, Nell said quickly, “I’m not fasting, Father. I’m just not hungry.”

“I don’t care if you are hungry or not. You will eat,” the earl said.

Nell’s stomach heaved at the thought. “I don’t think I can,” she said.

“Nonsense.” The earl scowled at her. “Pick up a piece of pork and eat it.”

Nell picked up the pork with her fingers. She looked at her mother. “It won’t harm you,” Lady Alice said. “Go ahead and eat it.”

Nell put the meat into her mouth. She chewed twice. Her stomach heaved and she shoved back her bench, got up and ran for the stairs. She threw up in the rushes before she was halfway there.

She heard her father curse.

Nell wrapped her arms around herself and stayed where she was. She had never felt so humiliated in her entire life. She had vomited in front of everyone! She shuddered and squeezed her eyes shut so she wouldn’t have to look at the disgusting mess on the floor.

“It’s all right, Nell.” It was Aunt Alida’s voice close to her shoulder. “Martin will have someone clean it up. Come along with me and we’ll go upstairs.”

“You will both stay right here.” It was her father’s voice. “Nell may have gotten away with such behavior in the convent, but it won’t work here. If she doesn’t want to eat, that’s her choice. But she will sit with her family at dinner regardless of what she eats herself.”

Aunt Alida took her hand and squeezed it gently. “Come and have something to drink,” she said in a low voice. “Your mouth must taste terrible.”

I hate him, Nell thought. He doesn’t care about me at all. All he cares about is getting the earldom of Wiltshire.

She dropped her head so she would not have to look at anyone and let her aunt turn her and lead her back to the table.

The wedding party arrived at Bardney two afternoons before the wedding was to take place. Nell was in the ladies’ solar when a page came to inform them of her bridegroom’s arrival and to summon Lady Alice and Nell to the Great Hall. Nell was already dressed in her new finery, a fine white linen undertunic with embroidery at the cuffs and neck, and over it a dark blue overtunic, fitted closely to the waist from which it flowed out freely. Wrapped twice around her narrow waist she wore a jeweled belt and her two long brown plaits fell across her shoulders and almost touched the belt.

Nell felt numb as she walked with her mother down the main staircase that led into the Great Hall. She could scarcely even pray; all she could think was Please God, please God, please God…

The visitors were standing with her father in front of the fireplace. One of the men was tall; the other was of medium height. And slim.

That must be Roger, Nell thought.

With her eyes on the floor, she walked with her mother across the hall. When they had almost reached the fireplace her father stepped forward and offered her his arm. Thus supported, she was brought to meet her bridegroom.

“Earl William and Lord Roger,” her father said. “I am pleased to introduce to you my daughter, Eleanor.”

Nell curtsied to the earl, then turned to Roger. For the first time she lifted her eyes.

He was very handsome. His hair was dark gold and his eyes were golden, as well. She thought they bore an expression of relief.

“My lord,” she managed to say. “You are welcome to Bardney.”

“I am pleased to be here, my lady,” he replied, and smiled at her. He had a nice smile; his teeth were white and even.

Nell tried and failed to smile back.

Everyone, including the pages who sat on a bench along the wall, watched the two of them. Nell turned to her mother for help.

“Nell, why don’t you show Lord Roger around the bailey?” Lady Alice suggested. “I’m sure you two young people would like to spend some time together.”

The last thing Nell wanted was to be alone with her future husband. She gave her mother a reproachful look, but it was too late. The words had been spoken.

“Would you like to see the bailey, my lord?” she asked Roger. Her eyes were on a level with his mouth. At least he didn’t tower over her, like her father did.

“I would like that very much,” he said. He sounded courteous and she peeked a look upward. His eyes were grave.

“Go along, Nell,” her father said. “Be sure to show Roger my horses.”

“Yes, Father,” Nell said. Then to Roger, “Will you come with me?”

He fell in beside her and together they crossed the wide expanse of the Great Hall. Nell could feel everyone watch them as they went.

“I’m afraid I’m not overly acquainted with the bailey, my lord,” Nell said as they approached the door, “but I’ll do my best to show you around.”

“Are you called Nell?” he asked.

“Yes. My given name is Eleanor, but I have always been called Nell.”

He nodded. “Well then, Nell, why are you not acquainted with the bailey of your own castle?”

Her name sounded strange on this strange man’s lips. She said, “I have only been home for a month, my lord, and we have been busy making wedding clothes the whole time.”

They had arrived at the front door of the castle, which was open to let in the air. He looked at her curiously. “If you were not at Bardney all this time, then where were you?”

They walked through the door and started across the inner bailey, toward the portcullis gate. She shot him a swift, upward look. “They haven’t told you?”

He shook his head. Gold glinted from his hair in the sunlight. “They have told me nothing,” he said. “It seemed as if your father produced you out of nowhere, like a magician. My grandfather and I had always thought that Sybilla was an only daughter.”

Nell drew in a deep, steadying breath. “I was in the convent,” she said. “My parents sent me there when my brother was born. Then, when Sybilla died, they changed their minds.”

Roger was silent as they passed under the lifted portcullis gate. As they emerged into the large enclosure that was the outer bailey, he said slowly, “So that was the mystery. We wondered where this other daughter had come from.”

“I can’t imagine why they didn’t tell you,” Nell said.

He looked down at her. “I suppose your parents didn’t think it was important and my grandfather didn’t care. All that mattered to him was that there was another daughter.” He gave her a fleeting grin. “But I wondered where you had come from. I had a few unpleasant ideas, I can tell you that.”

He had a very nice speaking voice, very clear but not harsh. Not like her father’s.

He continued to look down at her. “Were you a nun?” he asked.

She shook her head. “I was due to be professed at the end of this year.”

The August sun shone brightly on the packed-dirt ground of the bailey. The blue flags flying from the towers fluttered in the afternoon breeze. The men guarding the main gate watched them as they turned left to follow the line of the wall. “How old were you when you were sent to the convent?” Roger asked.

“Eight,” she replied.

“You were there a long time,” he said, sounding surprised.

“Yes. It is the only life I ever knew until I came to Bardney a few weeks ago.”

He looked at her thoughtfully. “Did you want to leave?” She returned his gaze straightly. “No, I did not.”

Wonderful, Roger thought ironically. They are marrying me to a girl who wants to be a nun.

Nell looked around. “My father wants me to take you to the stable, but I’ve never been out of this front part of the bailey. I don’t know where the stable is.”

Roger looked around at the storage sheds and craftsmen’s workshops that lined the stone walls in this part of the bailey. He said, “Let’s walk around the whole bailey and we’re certain to find it.”

They began walking toward the east side of the bailey, with Roger accommodating his stride to Nell’s shorter step.

Roger said, “Have they explained to you the reason for this marriage?”