Someday

Later that night, alone in Whitney’s room, I try not to think about Didi, and wonder some more about the people in the videos. I head to the Truth Serum website, which is arranged to look like a truth-themed lifestyle magazine, with Lorraine Hines front and center. It’s a little off-putting, how thrilled she seems by other people laying themselves bare. But when you filter her out and focus on the truth tellers themselves, there is something magnetic about the bareness, and the bravery of the ones who wear the terror and exhilaration so clearly.

I watch some more videos. A pastor questioning God. A teenager describing his suicide attempt and why he’s grateful his stomach was pumped in time. A grandmother whose big truth is that she has been happy with her life, and how she feels that in a culture of complaint, it is frowned upon to talk about a life that’s gone well.

The more I hear these truths, the more I can feel my own growing restless. Why do these people get to lay it all out while I have to remain silent? Why can’t I be with the only person who took my truth seriously? If I went on this site and posted a video, there would be two options, both of them bad:

People wouldn’t believe me. Or they would.

People would treat me as a lunatic. Or they would take me at my word—and hunt me down to understand how I came to be how I am.

Also, if I made a video, it wouldn’t be me they saw. And whoever’s life I borrowed would have to bear the stigma of my presence for the rest of their future.

So . . . definitely not an option.

I go back to the Truth Serum home page and see a button labeled Anonymous Truth. I click on it and Lorraine Hines appears.

“For many of us, the truth can only be said if there’s someone listening. But often the truth becomes harder if the person listening is someone we know. We here at Truth Serum want to provide a safe forum for you to share your truth with someone you don’t know. Just click the link below and you will be paired at random with a person who will witness your truth without judgment.”

I don’t know that I believe anyone can ever listen without judgment—but still I click on the link. There’s no risk that I can see. I will be elsewhere in the morning.

I am put in a chat box with someone who goes by the initials WL. I am reminded before WL comes into the chat that our conversation will be anonymous. I enter the initials AA.

I feel the skittish foolishness that comes from relying on my own anonymity, even though WL can’t see me, complicated by the fact that I already feel I’m hiding behind Whitney’s body.

WL: Hello. I am WL (not my real initials) and I will be your truth listener today. Please, tell me your truth.

I’m disappointed by how rote this is. I’m probably talking to some cut-rate artificial intelligence—artificial semi-intelligence. I almost log off. But then I decide, no, I might as well acknowledge my reaction, in the spirit of telling the truth.

AA: That seems abrupt. And vague.

I figure this is the part when it will become obvious if it’s a computer I’m talking to.

WL: It is. But that’s how this works.

AA: But what do you mean by “your truth”? Don’t we have many? I mean, I’m wearing a red shirt right now. That’s a truth.

WL: That isn’t the truth you came here to talk about, though, is it?

AA: No. It isn’t.

WL: So tell me that truth. The one that brought you here.

Why am I here? Maybe to be forced into this question. Because that’s the thing about my life—nobody asks me anything. And if nobody’s asking, it’s easy to keep all the answers on the shelf, gathering dust. I can forget they exist. I can avoid them.

The reason I’m here isn’t because of what happens to me every day. The reason I’m here is . . .

AA: I am in love with someone I can’t be with.

I exhale. It is an effort to admit this, even to a stranger. It is an effort to admit it to myself.

WL: Why not?

AA: Because she isn’t here.

WL: Where is she?

AA: 1500 miles away. I left her. I had to.

WL has no idea how old I am. WL has no idea what I look like. WL has no idea where I am.

In many ways, WL knows me better than anyone in front of me ever does.

WL: Why did you have to leave?

AA: Because there was no way for me to stay.

WL: Why?

AA: Because I have a condition that prevents me from being able to stay with her.

This is the closest I can come to explaining it. I know it isn’t entirely truthful. But even with WL, I have to draw a line. I can only trust so far. I can only expect understanding to a certain degree.

WL: A medical condition? A psychological condition?

Same thing, I want to tell WL.

AA: A medical condition.

But this doesn’t feel like the truth. I keep typing.

AA: No, that’s not right. It’s who I am. Neither medical nor psychological. Or even spiritual. It’s just . . . the way my life is.

WL: What about your life is preventing you from being with her?

AA: I just can’t be with her.

WL: Fear of commitment?

“No,” I say to the screen. It’s not fear of commitment. It’s a knowledge that commitment is impossible. I don’t fear it at all.

AA: No. I travel a lot. I mean, I have to travel a lot. There’s no way out of it.

WL: So you can’t be home for her?

AA: I would love to be. But I can’t.

WL: And have you talked this over with her?

AA: Yes.

WL: And she agrees that it cannot work?

Be truthful, I tell myself.

AA: I think so.

WL: You think so?

AA: She knows about my condition. I think she would try to love me anyway. But because I’m the one who’s lived with it my whole life, I know better than her that it will never work.

WL: Is that true?

AA: Yes. Of course it’s true.

WL: Are you sure? You are meant to be telling your truth here.

AA: I know that it’s true.

WL: “Know” is a strong word. You believe. You suspect. But can you really know?

Calmly, I type:

AA: By any rational measure, she and I cannot be together.

WL: What does your heart say?

AA: My heart wants it to be possible. But the universe isn’t governed by wants. Or even needs. Some things don’t work, no matter how much you want them to.

WL: That is not truth. That’s theory. What do you want?

AA: To be able to be with her.

It hurts to say that. Fool fool fool.

WL: What does she want?

AA: I don’t know. I’m not her.

WL: Why don’t you ask?

AA: Because she’s there, and I’m here, and it’s better for us not to torture one another.

WL: Did she tell you it’s better?

I didn’t give her a chance. I didn’t want it to be a prolonged argument. I didn’t want the ending to ruin everything that came before. I wanted to leave her in the arms of someone who might love her for who she is—and who could love her day after day.

AA: No. I left before she could.

WL: That is an interesting truth.

I feel my listener doesn’t like what they’re hearing. I try to trick myself into thinking that it’s WL’s disapproval I’m concerned with, and not the nagging disapproval in my own thoughts.

AA: There are other factors.

WL: What are they?

AA: I can’t tell you.

I expect WL to fight this, but instead I get:

WL: I respect that. Have you told her?

AA: About the other factors? Yes.

WL: All of it?

AA: Yes.

WL: And what was her reaction?

AA: She didn’t believe me. And then she did.

WL: And how did that feel?

AA: Beautiful.

WL: Why would you stop, then?

AA: Because it can’t work.

WL: But even if you’re not together, you can still talk. Why did you stop?

AA: Because I didn’t want to hurt her. Because I don’t want to be hurt. Because I’m afraid. Because wanting to change the things you can’t change—that is so devastating.

WL: But still—you want to talk to her.

AA: Of course.

WL: There’s your truth.

I am formulating my response to that when another message appears.

WL has logged out.

The chat box doesn’t close. As if I may still want a transcript of my truths. As if I won’t remember where this has led me.

I push back from the desk, and it’s only when I do this that I remember I am Whitney right now. I am in Whitney’s body. For a moment there, I completely forgot. I became the bodiless self I imagine everyone becomes when they’re engaged entirely in thought and words.

I should turn off the computer. But there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to put the answers back on the shelf, that doesn’t want to walk away.

I pull myself back to the keys. Before I can stop myself, I go on Facebook, type in her name. It’s an immediate gut punch to see her picture, to have her exist in a form other than memory.

I have to see more.

I click on her name and her page comes up. The profile picture is bigger now—her alone, smiling in front of a movie theater. The photo is recent, from a week ago. I know I should stop myself, that no good can come of this, but I click on the photos tab. I want to see more.

And there he is. Alexander. Who got to stay. Who got to be with Rhiannon.

My instincts must have been right, because the two of them look happy.

Even if he’s not in the profile photo, he must be the person she’s smiling at.

I jump back out to the overall photo page, the mosaic of the photographic past. The first few rows are mostly them as a couple. Then there are pictures of her alone. Some with family. Some with friends. I don’t remember the friends’ names. I don’t recognize most of them. Justin, her evil ex, is nowhere to be found. Which is a relief.

Her recent life is laid out in front of my eyes. But it’s not life, I tell myself. It’s only a representation of life. I am telling myself this, but the sadness is gripping me. I am telling myself this is not real, but the weight of it is real. The truth. The hard truth.

There are no pictures of us.

Not because she deleted them.

There were never any pictures of us.

Never any record.

We were never a part of the shareable present, so we are not a part of the shareable past.

This hurts. This hurts so much that the feeling transfers to Whitney’s body, because my sorrow, my anger, my helplessness are more than just the mind can hold.

I go back to Rhiannon’s home page. I am staying wide of the message button. I am not going to message her.

I suppose I should be grateful. Years ago, there would have been no way to do this. I would have been a submarine without a periscope. Leaving would have meant leaving completely behind. Out of sight, out of reach.

But now she is within reach—and I can feel myself reaching. There is the illusion that she can feel me doing this.

She cannot feel me doing this. She cannot sense me seeing her. She cannot know. Because I cannot be seen like she can be seen.

I start to scroll down. Most of the posts are ones she’s been tagged in—now that I see the friends’ names, I remember them. Preston likes to share cat videos. Rebecca comments about how much she doesn’t like cat videos. Alexander posts artwork he likes—Hockney mountains and Sugimoto horizons.

And Rhiannon . . .

Rhiannon posts a song.

At first I gloss over it. Then I realize what it is. What it means. No—what it could mean.

I am back in the car, singing along at the top of my lungs.

No, not my lungs. Justin’s lungs.

It doesn’t matter. Once Rhiannon knows I am there, I am there. I am singing with her. And again in that basement. As Nathan.

I am so happy, thinking about it. And sad.

We were so happy then. And sad.

There’s no way this is an accident. There’s no way this wasn’t intended. I scroll down and see, in the comments section, another song. Not our song. But still—irrefutable.

“I Still Miss Someone.”

Is it meant for me to see? Or is it just how she was feeling, her own in-joke to herself ?

The message button is calling to me.

But it is a siren. I know it is a siren.

The lines between I cannot do this and I should not do this and I will not do this are all confused. I almost wish the window with WL were still open, so I could ask WL what to do. To which WL would no doubt ask back: Which of the three above statements is the truth?

And I would respond: They are all the truth.

Then: None of them are the truth.

I don’t know if I’m looking for a barrier, but I find one. I am, of course, using Whitney’s account. Right now, I cannot message Rhiannon. Only Whitney can. Rhiannon would know it was me. But that would still leave Whitney. I could hijack her account—change her password, message from it secretly until Whitney took it back. But what kind of person would I be if I did that to her? Not one worthy of Rhiannon.

It will have to be enough to know she is there.

For now.

Before I can spend too much time scrutinizing photos that were never meant to be scrutinized . . . before I can spend too much time debating the words I won’t allow myself to type . . . I log out. Clear history. Shut everything down.

I know it’s wrong for me to think it, but Rhiannon feels closer now.

. . . failure. My pain is louder to me because it is inaudible to others. I don’t expect anyone to be able to help me. The world around me does not exist. I am alone in this, and if I could find a way to die alone, I would.

Comment from MoBetter:

You need to talk to someone. Get some help. There is always a way to treat pain. If there’s no one near you to talk to, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. Good luck.

Comment from AnarchyUKGo:

Just do it. Kill as many people as you want. Take all the stupid ones with you.

Comment from 1derWomanFierce:

Get out of your own head. It helps.

Comment from PurpleCrayon12:

I’ve had these thoughts, too. I think of it as the eclipse state. I found writing about it very helpful. Don’t keep it inside—express it. And MoBetter is right . . . you have to talk to someone. The fact that you’re posting about it is a good step. It shows you want to share the burden. And there are many loving and kind people out there who will willingly take some of the weight. Don’t think you’re alone.

Comment from M:

None of you understand.

RHIANNON

I don’t know what I was thinking. Or, worse, I do know what I was thinking. I imagined the minute—no, the second—I posted that song, A would know I’d done it. I’d get an instant response. Because everything felt so instant when A was here.

Stop. I know I have to stop. Listen to myself. Wonder: Was it really A I loved, or was it the intensity, the feeling that our orbit had grown so tight that it could fit into an atom—and would cause an explosion if we were to separate? How can Alexander compete with that? Why am I even thinking of it as a competition?

Alexander is here. He wins.

But I’m not sure that Alexander feels like he’s winning. Or that I’m much of a prize.

It’s Saturday and we’re on our way to Will’s house for a picnic in his backyard. I should probably think of it as Will and Preston’s house, because ever since they started dating, Preston has been spending most of his time there. Alexander and I are bringing a fruit salad, which meant we had to go to the grocery store (“our first-date grocery store”) and buy about twenty-five dollars’ worth of fruit to chop up and put in a bowl.

I’m driving and Alexander is looking at his phone, scrolling down his Facebook. I don’t even notice until he says, “Hey, why’d you put this song up?” He holds out his phone so I can see the link.

“It’s just a song I like,” I tell him. “It was stuck in my head, so I decided to inflict it on other people.”

“Oh? Cool.”

He goes back to scrolling, not even checking the comments section to find the second song. And the stupid thing is that I am suddenly mad at him for not reading more into it . . . which is extra stupid because getting mad is exactly what Justin would have done. Justin would have taken it as an attack, even if he didn’t know what it meant. He would have attacked back.

Maybe we inherit bad traits from our exes, just like we inherit bad traits from our parents, because out of the blue I find myself picking a fight with Alexander, saying, “Oh, cool—what does that even mean?”

He doesn’t look up from his phone. “It means that I didn’t know you liked that song, but I’m perfectly happy that you do.”

“I didn’t put it up there for your approval.”

“I never said that you did.”

I know I’m being the unreasonable one, and Alexander’s tone makes it clear that he knows it, too.

I should say I’m sorry. A would say sorry. Justin would not say sorry. Alexander would say sorry. But I’m still angry. Not at Alexander. At the universe. Alexander just happens to be here to bear the brunt of it. Which might be my passive-aggressive way of getting him to hate the unfair universe, too. Which is pretty messed up.

“Have you heard from Steve or Stephanie?” Alexander asks. Safer ground.

“Yes. The war continues. Nobody wants to pick a side, so we didn’t invite either of them. It’s weird, but Rebecca says that’s the only way to do it, when we’re all together.”

“Makes sense,” Alexander says, even though he’s only met Steve and Stephanie once, and they spent most of the time pulling each other aside to fight.

“Couples are weird,” I say.

He smiles at that. “Yeah, they are. Single people, too.”

I can’t be mad at him for long. But I don’t think that’s enough to call it love.

Will has built a fire to make his backyard warm enough for a picnic. We sit on a blanket covered with too much food. Will says, “Peel me a grape!” to Preston, and as Will, Rebecca, Ben, and Alexander laugh, Preston does exactly that. Then he holds the sad grape skin in one hand and the gelatinous pulp in the other hand and asks which part, exactly, Will was wanting. Will says, “Really, it’s just that I’ve always wanted a boy who’d peel a grape for me. Thank you.”

“Peel me a blueberry!” Rebecca commands Ben.

“No,” he says. “That’s messy.”

Rebecca is leaning on Ben. Will plays a little with Preston’s hair. Alexander offers me more tea from the thermos, and I shake my head. I am surrounded by my best friends. I am sitting next to a boyfriend who treats me well. We are gathered around an afternoon campfire, its warmth creating a comfortable space in the wide air. I should be happy. But instead I feel like I am standing outside my own happiness. When I was with A, I was inside it. I could touch it freely, could recognize it. But now I have no idea how to get to it. I have no idea what it really is.

I don’t understand how it’s possible to know you have a good life, but still be missing out on it. I don’t understand why I won’t let myself give in to what I have. It’s good. What I have is good.

“Anything you’d like peeled?” Alexander asks me.

I shiver.

He doesn’t say, “What?” But it’s there in the way he’s looking at me. The way Rebecca, who knows me even better, is looking at me.

“It’s nothing,” I tell Alexander, tell them all. “I just thought about how freaked out I would get when my dad would say keep your eyes peeled when I was a kid—I thought that meant there was a way your eyelids could be peeled like a banana.”

“That always freaked me out, too!” Preston says. “Or—oh God—when people say bless you when you sneeze? I know it’s polite. But when I was a kid, I was like, WHAT IS SO BAD ABOUT A SNEEZE THAT YOU NEED TO BLESS ME?!? I mean, if you skin your knee and are bleeding all over, no one says bless you. If you puke up your guts, no one says bless you. So I couldn’t help but wonder how a sneeze was, like, worse. ”

The rest of them start talking about other things that freaked them out as kids. I eat strawberries and leave the tops in a circle on my plate. I don’t think any of my friends notice that I’m not really there.

Not until we’re cleaning up. Not until Rebecca holds back and waits until everyone else is inside to ask me if something’s wrong.

“I’m fine,” I say. “Everything’s fine.”

She gives me a level glance. “Any time you have to say that twice, it’s at least half-untrue. Is there something wrong with you and Alexander?”

I shake my head. “Nothing wrong. It’s just that . . . it isn’t okay if there are some days that aren’t wrong but aren’t really right, either? He hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m the one who isn’t feeling right. Do you know what I mean?”

“All too well. There are days when I look at Ben and think, Why am I even bothering—we’re only going to break up when we go to college. I think my time could be better used elsewhere. Like, learning Russian. Or watching every BBC mystery that I can find on Netflix. But then he does something stupid and endearing like texting me to see how my day went, and I’m like, Oh yeah. That’s why I do this. ” She hands me some plates to take back to the kitchen. “Look—with Justin, you were always so desperate for him to love you that you never really got to experience what it’s like when the two of you are balanced. It’s different when you’re balanced. Let yourself get used to it instead of assuming you know how it works.”

This is typical Rebecca: a little bit wise, a little bit condescending. What I want to ask her—what I can’t ask her—is if it always feels like you’re pretending, if part of being in a relationship is feeling like you are going through the motions of being in a relationship. Will and Preston have been together for about the same amount of time that Alexander and I have been together, and they seem to be genuinely happy and genuinely in love.

But I guess neither of them is wondering about someone else.

“Come on,” Rebecca says. “Let’s go inside. You don’t need to commit to forever, or even to tomorrow. But commit to right now. We all want you to be here.”

She’s right. When I get back into the kitchen, Preston gives me a hug and Will turns the music up a little louder and asks me to dance, even though his signature dance move is the pogo. Alexander pours me some pink lemonade. Ben asks Rebecca to dance and she swats him away. The night begins, and goes on. I manage to step into my happiness. But I am always looking back, checking where I came from.