Running Fire

“I understand,” Kell soothed. Cupping his hand, he drizzled the water across her scalp. With his other hand, he supported her neck and the back of head, feeling the tension in her.

As he worked with her hair and scalp, Leah gradually began to relax and surrender to him. It was such an intimate act to Kell. She trusted him with herself. Another man might have tried something stupid, to take advantage of her in such a compromised position. He would never do that to any woman. Instead, Kell took pleasure in simply washing Leah’s hair, cleansing it of the blood and matted, muddy areas. Knowing how a woman always wanted her hair clean, it was a small gift that he could give to Leah. And soon, her eyes closed and she fully relaxed, her soft lips parting.

Smiling to himself, Kell knew the luxury of having one’s hair washed because his grandmother used to lie there and sigh with pleasure, too. Leah didn’t, but that was all right. He could see all the tension dissolving from her face and the length of her body.

“I’m afraid my shampoo has no smell to it,” Kell told her, opening the bottle. “Out here when I’m hunting, the Taliban can pick up on a foreign odor and know there’s an enemy nearby. I learned a long time ago to get lye soap that has no scent to it.”

“Wise choice.” Leah sighed, feeling his fingers gently begin to massage her scalp. He had removed the dressing from her head earlier and he was very gentle and very careful around the stitched wound. Still, just to get the blood out of her hair, Leah was utterly grateful for his thoughtfulness. “I’ve never had a man wash my hair before,” she admitted, her voice sounding breathless even to her.

“Well, if this doesn’t go right, don’t blame the next male hairdresser you get.” He laughed.

“No...you’re doing...wonderfully. It feels so good,” Leah whispered, feeling the tingles his fingers were creating by lightly massaging her scalp. Leah had no idea how much tension she’d been holding until it disappeared beneath his seductive fingers.

“Oh, good, then you’re not going to fire me.” Kell grinned, rinsing the soap from her sleek, gleaming strands. He heard Leah laugh, his hand cupping and supporting the back of her head. Her skin felt like soft, warm velvet to him. Feeling a bit like a thief, Kell enjoyed touching Leah. He felt good making her laugh. It was better than seeing stark terror lurking in her eyes. Who had scared her so much that she reacted with such a deep, automatic fear?

Once her hair was rinsed free of the soap, he put the bowl aside. Kell held her head up and awkwardly placed a towel around the dripping strands of her hair. “Okay, I’m going to get you up into a sitting position. You ready?”

Leah was sorry it was over. “Yes.” She felt the towel around her head and held it in place with her right hand. Kell gently eased her into a sitting position and then came around to her right side.

“Here, let me? Tough to dry hair with one hand.” Kell took the towel and carefully dried her long, thick hair. Taking a look at the gash on her skull, he said, “The cut is healing nicely. I think we’ll let it air-dry tonight. I’ll put some antibiotic ointment on it and that’s all it should need.”

“I have a medic and a hairdresser all wrapped up in one,” Leah teased. “That feels dry enough, Kell, thank you.” She wanted his hands on her, but at some point the surging pleasure rippling through her would stop. Kell was so damn personable. He slid inside her heavy, protective walls as though they’d never existed.

Kell stood and pulled out a comb from his pocket. “Here you go,” he said, handing it to her. Wanting to sit and watch her, he forced himself to move away from Leah. Watching her was a sensual pleasure all its own in his world. He emptied the water into a channel leaving the pool and hung the wet towel and washcloth in the other cave on some rocks to dry. When he ambled back in, he smiled. Leah had finished combing her hair. The ends were damp and slightly curled across her shoulders.

“Now, don’t you feel better?”

Handing him the comb, Leah admitted softly, “I feel a million times better. Thanks so much, Kell.” And she wished she could do something to repay him for his generosity. She watched as he sat down against the wall after moving his sleeping bag over to it.

“My grandma, who had bad arthritis in her hands, would always bake me chocolate-chip cookies as a thank-you for washing her hair weekly.” Kell smiled fondly, remembering those good times.

“I’m afraid I’m a nonstarter in a kitchen,” Leah admitted.

“Tell you what. Next time we happen to both be at Bravo, you can buy me a beer over at the canteen. Fair enough?” He caught her gaze. She looked infinitely better. The tension was gone. So was the terror. Instead, Kell saw her green eyes radiant with warmth. Was that warmth for him? He could feel it, but didn’t try to interpret what it meant. That would get him into dangerous quicksand real fast.

“That’s a deal,” Leah promised, her voice passionate. “I need to thank you for everything you’re doing for me, Kell. I really appreciate it.”

“No need to pay me back,” he murmured. “My ma always taught me you treat others like you would like to be treated. It’s been the rule I’ve lived my life by.”

“Tell me about yourself. You said your parents moved from Alabama to Kentucky. How did you become a SEAL?”

“The short version,” he said, pushing his long legs out in front of him. “My pa, who is a dairy farmer, was in the Army for four years. He thought it was good I do my duty to my country, so I joined the Navy. I’d heard about the SEALs and applied. I got in, managed to survive BUD/S, and here I am.”

“You didn’t want to be a farmer?”

“No. I’m a rolling stone.” Kell chuckled. “I liked being outdoors, I liked challenges and I was a pretty active kid. I liked what the SEALs offered me. I believed I could make a difference in the world, take out the bad guys so the good men and women could live.”

“You don’t strike me as being black-and-white,” Leah murmured. “You’re a good observer of the human condition. That encompasses a lot of gray areas.”

Shrugging, Kell said, “I’m aware of the gray areas. But when it comes to a bad guy who’s going to kill one of my brothers, or anyone on our side who is fighting over here, I’m very clear about pulling the trigger. I don’t enjoy it, but I know someone has to do it. Does that make more sense?” Ballard absorbed her thoughtful expression. Shadow pilots were aggressive in combat, too. They didn’t just drop black ops men off from a helo. They were often in direct combat protecting men on the ground, too.

“Makes sense to me,” Leah agreed. She moved her fingers through her clean hair. It felt like she’d lost a pound of dried blood, sweat and dirt out of the strands. “I have a tough time seeing you in the role of a hunter-sniper.”

“Oh, you met the nice side of me is all,” he said, chuckling. “I’m not out there offering to wash a Taliban soldier’s hair, believe me.”

Leah laughed with him. “Point taken.”

“You have any brothers or sisters?” Kell asked. Instantly, he saw he’d just stepped on another land mine with her. Damn. If she’d had a miserable marriage, which is what he surmised by her reaction earlier, and an unhappy childhood, it was no wonder she was so closed up. Kell could feel her hiding; had sensed it all along.

“Yes,” she said, her voice low. “Evan was my older brother by one year.” Leah tensed and then figured to hell with it. “When I was eight, Evan was nine. My father was on assignment in Rhode Island and when winter came, we’d go for walks. One morning, after a heavy snow, Spike, our dog, went running out into a field where we were walking. He fell through the ice and into a frozen pond.” The corners of her mouth drew in. “Evan went to rescue him and so did I.” She looked up and held Kell’s somber gaze. “We didn’t realize the ice would break. Evan fell in. And then I did, too. The dog managed to climb up my back and got to thicker ice. I tried to rescue Evan, but he disappeared below the water and I was so cold I could barely move. Somehow, I pulled myself up on the ice. About that time, my father found us.”

“I’m sorry,” Kell offered. Was that why she looked so haunted? “Did you blame yourself for not rescuing Evan?”

Giving him a dark look, Leah nodded. “My parents were grief-stricken. A month afterward, my mother had a heart attack and died. I’m sure Evan’s death triggered it. My father went into deep shock.”

“So you were a little eight-year-old girl who was grieving for two losses, then.”

Touched by his awareness, Leah said heavily, “I was devastated.”

“Was your father able to comfort you?”

Shaking her head, Leah said, “No.” And then, “I sort of became a shadow in his life until I was about sixteen. He loved my mother so very much. Looking back on it, I now realize that his love for her was so powerful, so real, that her getting ripped out of his life like that devastated him in ways I can’t even understand to this day.”

Kell wanted to go over and sit down and hold her. He heard the quiet pain in Leah’s low voice, saw the haunted look back in her expression. “But who took care of you?”

“No one, I guess. My father was a major in the Army, and he was up for light colonel. His life revolved around the Shadow Squadron.” Not me. Never me.

Rubbing his jaw, Kell asked, “Did he ever remarry?”

“No.” Leah looked up, giving him a sad smile. “I got to see what head over heels in love really meant. My father was utterly devoted to my mother. They lived a love I’ve never seen since.” She opened her hands and gave a strained laugh. “I remember as a kid looking at the love my father had for my mother, wishing someday I’d meet someone who felt like that. Someone who thought I was the most beautiful person in the world. Someone who wanted to love me, care for me and support me like my dad supported my mom.”

And it didn’t happen, Kell thought, knowing what little he did about her marriage. “My ma and pa are like that,” he offered. “Pa thinks the world revolves around Ma. Still does to this day. They’re in their early sixties and they’re completely devoted to each other. And to us. They spread their love around.”

“You’re lucky,” Leah said, feeling a bit jealous. “My father...well...he had great plans for Evan and none for me.”

“Ah, the favored-son routine?”

“You could say.”

“How did that change your relationship with your father after Evan died?”

“He basically ignored me until I was sixteen. And then, one day, he told me to get into a helicopter and I did. He started teaching me how to fly. I found I loved it. The freedom...”

“And then you went to college?”

“For two years. I wanted a four-year degree in electrical engineering, but I quit after two years. I was always fascinated with how things worked. Not exactly a girlie girl growing up.”

“Could have fooled me,” Kell said. “You are one heck of a good-looking woman even if you’re forced into wearing that bulky flight suit.”

His compliment was sincere and Leah absorbed it. “Thanks...kind of hard to be very feminine out here in the badlands.”

“Don’t kid yourself,” he said, smiling a little. “You give that flight suit a whole new, better, meaning.” He saw her blush and she wouldn’t meet his eyes. Her shyness bothered him. Again, Kell was seeing her inability to deal with a sincere male-to-female compliment. He wasn’t flirting with her. He was being honest. She didn’t know the difference.

“I’m pretty much focused on my career” was all Leah could manage. There was no question Kell was interested in her. Leah felt the same toward him, but didn’t dare let him know it. There was just no room in her life, with her career as a warrant officer, to allow a potential relationship to work. She looked over. “Are you married, Kell? Have a bunch of children?” Because looking at him, he looked like the father type.

“Was,” Kell admitted. “I met Addison, who was a criminal-defense lawyer, in San Diego. Married at twenty-three and divorced at twenty-seven. She couldn’t take my long deployments, and I didn’t want children while I was in the SEALs. I’d never be home often enough to be a father to them. My training and deployments kept me away from home so much of the time. I did want children, but I wanted to be a father who was home and there for them, like my pa was for us.”

“You’ll make a wonderful father someday,” Leah said. Mentally she was comparing her father to Kell. There was a Grand Canyon of difference between the two men. Her father was cold, bottled up, frozen in time and bitter. Kell was warm, kind and caring. He was able to show his feelings.

Leah wondered if things would have been different between her father and herself if her mother hadn’t suddenly died. She had felt abandoned and alone after her mother was gone. She cried for months, every night, sobbing into her pillow, missing Evan and her. Her father was unable to care for her. He couldn’t even care for himself, as crippled as he’d been by the multiple deaths.

“I have a good role model,” Kell admitted. “My pa. I have two younger brothers, Tyler and Cody, and we used to have so much fun with him. He taught us how to hunt, fish and care for the land. The three of us grew up milking dairy cows.”

“You’ve got a good work ethic,” Leah said, trying to imagine Kell when he was younger. She’d bet he was the brother who played humorous jokes on others. Not mean ones, but funny ones, because he was so laid-back and easygoing.

“We all worked hard,” Kell agreed, smiling fondly, remembering those days, “but we also played hard.”

“What sports?”

“I went into track and field. Ty and Cody went into football.”

“You look like a quarterback to me.”

“Nah, my two younger brothers were good at it. I wasn’t. I’m six-two and they’re both six-four and outweigh me by thirty pounds. I didn’t see any sense in getting the shinola kicked out of me on the football field. Running was something I was very good at. It came naturally.”

“You’ve got long legs,” Leah agreed. She visualized him running and imagined he would have looked to her like a cheetah with swift, boneless grace.

“Did you ever go into sports?”

“No. I found my love, my passion, when I was sixteen. I loved flying. I still do.”

“What does it give you?” Kell wondered. He looked forward to talking with Leah. She was intelligent, well grounded in reality and funny.

“I guess...my freedom. When I’m flying, I’m above all the crap that I carry around with me. Up there—” she pointed toward the ceiling of the cave “—I’m in the arms of the sky.”

“Maybe an invisible, loving mother of sorts?”

She stared at Kell for a long moment. He was extremely intelligent, able to put seemingly disparate pieces together and make them fit like a completed puzzle. “I never thought of that way, but yes. I always feel protected up there, guarded, maybe.” She’d just walked away from a helo crash that should have killed her. Kell had been her guardian angel this time around.

“Without a mother to hold you,” Kell said, “you probably didn’t get a lot of that maternal nurturing we all need as kids growing up.”

“I’ve thought about that, too. Maybe that’s why I love going out into the Afghan villages, bringing clothing and shoes to the kids. I work with a local charity that is run by a husband-and-wife team, Emma and Khalid Shaheen. Both were Apache pilots and then Emma got kidnapped by the Taliban. She was injured and received nerve damage to her left hand. The Army doesn’t let you fly if you don’t have feeling in all ten fingers. But when Emma married Khalid, she got to fly his charity’s helicopter, a CH-47. A year ago, when my squadron was at Bagram, I took my off days and flew with Emma.”

“You like kids?”

“Just a little.” Leah smiled, tipping her head back against the wall. “Before we lost Evan, I loved taking care of him. I spoiled him rotten.” She laughed softly, a warm, good feeling flowing through her. “Kids should be spoiled with love.”

“Evan will always own a piece of your heart.”

“One of the good parts,” Leah agreed quietly. “The rest of my heart feels like it’s been cut up and buried.”

“Because of your marriage?” Kell knew he was getting into dangerous territory, but he wanted to understand her ex-husband. He saw her give him a grim look and her lips thinned as if she was weighing whether to say anything or not.

“Let’s just say I had lousy taste when it came to choosing a husband.”

Kell looked at his watch. “Time to go to bed.” It was a piece of information about Hayden Grant. Maybe, in time, Leah would trust him with the rest of the story, but he wouldn’t push her. As a sniper, he could look at a lawn and tell which blades of grass had been moved by an animal or a human. In the same way, Leah was giving him tiny signs and in his mind he was putting them together. Eventually, a pattern would emerge and he’d see the whole picture. He wanted to know because he had feelings for Leah. No one was more surprised than Kell. He wasn’t looking for a woman. Sex with the right woman? Yes. But as he pushed off his boots and got comfortable, he wouldn’t lie to himself. His heart was involved in this equation. What was he going to do?

As he made sure Leah was settled in for the night before turning off the light, Ballard sensed, or maybe intuited, she liked him just as much. They were two planets on a collision course with one another that could never have a happy ending.

* * *

THE NIGHTMARE STARTED insidiously for Leah. She and Hayden were camping out in the hills of Georgia; something he liked to do. It was August, the humidity high, the mosquitoes pestering her nonstop. Hayden was in a bad mood. Her father had been busy reviewing the fitness reports for every officer. Hayden was a captain and he wanted early major in rank. He was worried her father wouldn’t give him the marks he needed to make that early rank. He was busy building a fire, throwing heavier limbs on it, the smoke billowing up through the dense pine forest surrounding them.

“You need to talk to your father,” he growled. “I need a perfect score on this next fitness report.”

Leah’s hands shook as she began unpacking the food from the cardboard box sitting in the rear of their SUV. “If I say anything, Hayden, he’ll suspect you put me up to it. You know that.”

She hated these conversations. Assessments came every six months, and officers and enlisted persons alike were given a score. Those that had the highest grades would automatically be put up for early-promotion consideration. This was the first time Hayden could be put up for it by her father, the squadron commander.

“You have to say something,” he ground out, standing, wiping his hands off on his jeans. He glared at her. “Figure out a diplomatic way, Leah, but get it done, dammit!”

She winced as he cursed. Hayden was building into one of his rages and it scared her to death. She dropped the bread on the ground, then quickly picked it up. Breathing unevenly, her mind awash with fear of what he might do, she said, “I’ll talk to him.”

He walked over and stood beside her. He was six feet tall. She was five feet seven inches tall. Staring down at her, he jerked her hair back, hard. “Monday. When we get back. Take him to lunch.”

“Ow!” Leah cried, her scalp radiating pain. Her hand had gone up to the side of her head. “Stop hurting me, Hayden! You don’t have to worry, I’ll talk to my father.”

* * *

“LEAH! WAKE UP!” Kell dodged her fist and it landed hard against his chest, a lot of power behind her swing. She’d screamed and scared the hell out of him, jerking him out of his sleep. Worse, if there were Taliban nearby, they’d have heard it.

Gripping her arm, Ballard gave her a small shake. “Leah! Wake up. It’s just a dream!” He saw her face twisted and contorted, her mouth opened to scream again. What the hell kind of nightmares was she having to make her twist and buck against him? He had knelt down, dodging her flailing fist. It was lucky for him her other arm was in a sling or he’d have been in trouble.

“Sugar. Come on. It’s Kell. You’re safe. No one is attacking you...”

Kell’s voice broke through her nightmare and Leah snapped awake. Her eyes widened enormously as she sucked in ragged gasps of air. Kell’s darkly shadowed face was so close. His eyes narrowed, filled with urgent concern. She felt his one hand on her shoulders, the other carefully holding her right wrist. With a groan, she pushed him away. He instantly released her.

Sweaty, shaking, Leah pushed herself up into a sitting position. Kell sat back on his heels, guardedly watching her.

Rubbing her face, her hands trembling, Leah muttered, “I’m sorry...I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to hit you...” She couldn’t tear Hayden’s glare out of her mind, the one from after she’d struck him in the face. That time, she wasn’t raped. How many times had he done it to her over the years? She’d lost count.

“Do you want some water?” Kell asked her quietly, watching her hide her face behind her trembling hand. He could feel she was embarrassed and he wanted to give her some room.

“P-please.”

“Be right back.” He got up and walked over to his ruck near his sleeping bag.

She couldn’t cry! She had stopped crying years ago. No help had ever come. Leah had felt something precious break inside her soul once she realized there was no way out of that nightmare marriage to Hayden. Scrubbing her face, Leah forced all the tears deep down inside herself.

Kell knelt at her side, opening the bottle. “Here,” he offered her quietly, holding it out toward her.

Leah slid her shaking hand around it and drank deeply. Her throat hurt. She couldn’t look at Kell. She was too ashamed. Finally, she stopped drinking and gripped the bottle in her lap, hands white-knuckled. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Kell moved his hand lightly across her hair. “Do you have these nightmares often?” He was thinking maybe the crash was resurrecting a lot of ugly events in her life, replaying them now, one after another. He saw the agony in her eyes as she looked over at him.

“Not like this,” Leah quavered. “Maybe once a month.” Rubbing her aching brow, she tried to draw in a deep breath. Her heart was skipping so hard, she felt like she might have a heart attack.

Resting his hand on her right shoulder, Kell said, “It’s probably because of the crash. You could have died in it. That sort of thing can raise all kinds of monsters we hide from ourselves.”

“Monster is the right word,” Leah rasped unsteadily. She gave him an apologetic look. “You need your sleep, Kell. You’re working twelve hours or more as a sniper every day.” She swallowed hard. “Maybe I should move my bed into the other cave. At least you’ll get some undisturbed sleep that way.”

“That’s not happening.” He saw her eyes turn sad. Kell sensed such deep grief within her, but he couldn’t plumb it with just his senses. Whatever it was, it was tragic. He wanted to hold Leah but he could tell she was tense, as if struggling to contain all those runaway terrors. She was trying to stuff them way back down into herself once again. Kell wasn’t going to force her into his arms. If she didn’t come of her own volition, he couldn’t help. Leah didn’t know that, though. “I wake up so many times a night,” he told her sincerely, catching her downcast eyes. “SEALs don’t sleep like regular folks. We catnap for five, maybe ten minutes, and then we snap fully awake. And then, we go back into a catnapping cycle again.” He gave her a small smile meant to make her feel better. “No harm, no foul. Okay?”

“Okay,” she whispered brokenly, feeling as if she were falling apart.

“Why don’t you lie down? I’ll get the blanket and cover you up with it.”

Leah nodded and whispered her thanks, lying on her right side. She felt him cover her with it, gently tucking it in around her hunched shoulders like a mother might for a child. Shutting her eyes tightly, biting back a sob, she realized Kell’s touch was stunningly different from Hayden’s. She’d been such a coward. Looking back on that three-year marriage, Leah knew she should have gone to her father. But even now, she wasn’t sure he’d believe her. He still thought of Hayden as the son he’d lost, Leah thought bitterly. Hayden replaced Evan in her father’s world. And Hayden wanted to show him he could one day replace him as commander when he retired.