The Positive Woman
If our ‘auto-pilot’ has been programmed by negative ‘messages’ and experiences, we will often find ourselves sabotaging our attempts to feel and act positively. This is particularly true if we are under stress or are feeling frightened or threatened because it is then that we tend to fall back on our ‘auto-responses’.
Of course, there are many factors in our lives as adults which can cause us to view ourselves and the world negatively. The experiences of being continually discriminated against, becoming seriously ill or handicapped, being economically deprived, tragically losing a loved one, being the victim of a robbery or traumatic sexual abuse can all have very powerful negative effects, but certainly we have a much better chance of recovering our strength and hope if our basic attitudes to ourselves and life are positive.
I was a first child, wanted and loved … I am fortunate in that I am not a person of depressive temperament. When you become disabled I think it accentuates whatever your personality is. If you are of a depressive nature, you may become more depressed.
Sue Masham
Is change possible?
To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.
Winston Churchill
I know change is possible because, as I have already indicated, I have experienced it first hand myself, and have been witness to very many ‘transformations’ in other people. Although I know that, at heart, I was the same person 25 years ago as I am now, my ‘personality’ appears and feels radically different. I may not have become the model of positive perfection I outlined earlier, but I do now genuinely like myself, feel I have vast reserves of untapped potential to help myself and others, enjoy and respect the vast majority of people I meet, appreciate the beauty of the world and am capable of responding positively to its many challenges. This is a very different picture from the bitter cynical young woman who bungled several suicide attempts when the mood-lifting pills, alcohol and various ‘princes’ let her down!
My negative attitudes had been, in part, formed by early childhood experiences with an erratic, alcoholic mother, inadequate attention from under-resourced children’s homes, confusing care and teaching from ‘two-faced’ nuns, and bullying from other equally deprived and insecure kids. But many other women have had a much more traumatic and unfair start in life than my own, and have managed similar ‘transformations’. The great writer Maya Angelou is one:
I decided many years ago to invent myself. I had obviously been invented by someone else – by a whole society – and I didn’t like their invention.
There are various ways of overcoming negativity. Some people find their work, art or religion useful; others are ‘rescued’ by very inspiring and enabling people whom they happen to meet at some stage in their lives. The course outlined in the rest of this book introduces another way, which has been tried and tested by large numbers of people who have attended personal development courses or sought help from a counsellor or therapist.
The word ‘impossible’ is black. ‘I can’ is like a flame of gold.
Catherine Cookson
Chapter 2 Becoming positive in the quest for self-knowledge
Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing yourself is superior wisdom.
Lao Tzu
Self-knowledge is a key factor in any programme of personal development. I am always amazed at how little people do assess their own personality and abilities. Gossiping amateur psychologists who speculate with great accuracy about the foibles or strengths of friends and neighbours often turn to the daily horoscopes for guidance on their own psyches! I have seen successful managers who have spent a whole career interviewing and assessing staff almost rendered speechless when confronted with questions about their personalities and value systems.
Fortunately, however, there seems to be a change in the air – articles in women’s magazines and newspapers are increasingly accompanied by searching questionnaires asking ‘Do you always feel/ think …?’ or ‘Are you the kind of person who …?’ Of course many of these quizzes are written by journalists rather than professional psychologists or therapists, and give very superficial results, but they do nevertheless often start us thinking and talking. Similarly, in the worlds of work and education a fashion for self-assessment is sweeping through, as employers and teachers ask, ‘What do you think you can achieve?’ and ‘What personal qualities can you offer?’ But, in our culture, it is not that easy to point the probing finger inwards. We often have to contend with several negative blocks before we can confidently and enthusiastically take the path to our own psychological enlightenment.
Negative blocks
Here are a few negative messages I have noticed ringing in people’s ears.
Block 1: ‘I don’t want to be seen as self-centred or to look as though there is something wrong with me.’
It is true that there still is a certain stigma attached to self-evaluation. Contemplating the navels of others is now socially acceptable behaviour – in fact, it could be argued that it is even becoming quite fashionable. But to turn the same enquiring mind inwards still tends to be regarded as self-indulgent or neurotic. This is why most people’s visits to personal development courses are initially shrouded in secrecy – who wants to be seen indulging in the pastime of the mentally infirm and selfish egocentrics?! But fortunately, as time progresses, more often than not I witness people who once came and went by the back door moving to the position of recruiting officer at the front!
When one is a stranger to oneself, then one is estranged from others too.
Anne Morrow Lindberg
Block 2: ‘It’s alright for those who can afford the luxury.’
I find that many people still think that this kind of activity is a privilege of the super-rich who can afford the time and money to relax on the analytic couch, bending the ear of a kindly father-figure several times a week for the rest of their lives! Knowledge about affordable alternatives such as self-help groups and counselling is still far from common. Very often it is only gathered and given in times of severe crisis or when a problem has become so chronic that it is causing havoc in people’s lives. The cry of so many of my clients is ‘If only I had known years ago where to go to get help with understanding myself, I am sure I would not have got into this mess!’
Block 3: ‘Deep down, I’m probably not a very nice person.’
Most people find the very thought of beginning to explore their innermost souls frightening. One worry which people have often confessed to me is that they are going to find out that they are not the person they hoped that they and others thought they were. They are afraid that a deeper analysis of their thoughts, feelings and potential will reveal their inadequacies, that the limitations to their ‘niceness’, intelligence and creativity will stare them in the face, and the reality of a mediocre or disastrous destiny will dull their dreams. This is particularly true of course for women, who have so many stereotypical images and archetypes of ‘nice, caring back-seat drivers’ with which to contend!
Every one of us has a darker side to our personality, however, and we all have limits to our potential. But getting better acquainted with our own ‘devil’ means we can have more control over her, and confronting the limits of our potential means we are more likely to set goals for ourselves which bring satisfaction and reward as opposed to disappointment and failure.
I can’t imagine anything worse than being a good girl.
Cher
Block 4: ‘If I start crying, I won’t be able to stop.’
This is a very common fear, i.e. that ‘digging up the dirt’ through self-examination and exploration of the past experiences will bring overwhelming despair and depression. Certainly many people I have worked with find they have a very large backlog of tears to shed and do cry out at times, ‘Will it ever stop?’ But of course, it does, and then comes the feeling of relief and renewed energy.
As people become more experienced at doing personal development work, they learn to have more and more control over the buried tears and are able to choose to shed them in safe and supportive places – for example in the comfort and warmth of their own homes or in the arms of close and trusted friends who will not panic in the presence of their grief but simply be with them until it passes. As someone who has experienced the deep despair of serious life-threatening depression, I know that it is a condition of non-feeling, totally different from the reflective sadness and grief that we can experience as we recall and examine aspects of our past.
I knew that my cure would never be complete unless I could openly associate myself with two words; two words that had been my secret shame for so long, namely ‘illegitimate’ and ‘bastard’.
Catherine Cookson, talking about her breakdown
If any of these negative messages have been ringing bells for you – or, indeed, if you have any others – you must deal with your resistance first. If you begin your self-exploration with such attitudes, you will not only make the whole process feel like hard work, but you may also influence your objectivity, for if you expect to find trouble, your perception and memory will surely bring it out for you! Of course, you may recall sad times and experiences, temporary attacks of anxiety, self-doubt and cynicism, but remember that that is not the whole story!
Make a positive beginning
Start now to correct your negative outlook by reading the following typical positive comments from people I have known who have taken the risk of inspecting the hidden depths of their hearts and minds.
‘I didn’t realize how exciting self-exploration could be.’
‘I found out that I was a much more interesting person than I ever dreamed I was.’
‘I’d forgotten how much I had already achieved in my life – remembering gave me the courage to keep on trying.’
‘It was wonderful to rediscover my hidden strengths.’
‘Finding out what was really important to me in life was the first step towards getting it!’
‘It felt so good to become aware that I had simply slipped into a rut for the safety I once so desperately wanted but now no longer need.’
‘Understanding the cause of my faults helped me like myself better – and helped me to become more tolerant of those weaknesses in other people.’
If you are suffering from a particularly bad attack of negativity, read the above section again and again. You could even photocopy it, paste it in your diary or hang it up in the kitchen to give you an extra-strong dose of corrective reconditioning! Now, with a positive, optimistic approach, try completing the following exercises.
Exercise: Who am I?
Answer the following questions. In the first instance respond quickly and spontaneously. Then, at a later time, review the exercise at a slower pace, noting whether you would want to change or modify your first responses and if so, why?
1. The six adjectives which best describe me are …
2. When I was a young child I dreamed of …
3. When I was an adolescent I dreamed I would be an adult who …
4. The best that could happen to me would be …
5. The worst that could happen to me would be …
6. I feel at my best when …
7. I feel at my worst when …
8. The five greatest heroines I admire are …
9. The five greatest heroes I admire are …
10. My six great strengths are …
11. My six great weaknesses are …
12. I feel good when I think of …
13. I feel bad when I think of …
14. I feel hopeful when I am doing …
15. I feel despairing when I am doing …
16. I give of my best in situations where …
17. I hold myself back when …
18. I would end a personal relationship if …
19. I would give up my job if …
20. I would risk my life for …
21. Most people think I am …
22. When I die I would like to be remembered for …
Now ask yourself:
Who would I be prepared to show this to?
What might be their response?
Exercise: How negative am I?
Tick the response which is nearest to your own reactions in these ‘everyday’ situations.
1. When I get up in the morning, most days:
a) I feel excited about the day ahead.
b) I don’t feel anything in particular.
c) I have a feeling of dread or anxiety.
2. When it comes to planning a holiday:
a) I feel excited and interested.
b) I don’t mind if others make the arrangements.
c) I wonder whether it’s worth all the trouble.
3. I think television these days …
a) nearly always has something interesting/ amusing/ relaxing to watch.
b) is OK to watch if you have nothing better to do.
c) is just full of depressing news and badly made programmes.
4. A friend from long ago is trying to contact you:
a) You’re longing to tell her all about your life today and find out about hers.
b) You don’t think either of you will have changed but it could pleasant to talk over ‘the old days’.
c) You wonder why she is bothering because you’re unlikely to have anything in common, and anyway you are very busy.
5. You are about to go shopping for a new dress:
a) You are excited and wonder what new styles are around.
b) Your mind becomes immediately preoccupied with practical issues such as time factors, parking, which shops you should confine yourself to, etc.
c) You worry that you’ll never find anything you like or that most won’t fit and that you’ll either return home without a dress or with one you have been ‘conned’ into buying – or, perhaps, that the dress won’t really cheer you up in the way that you hope.
6. You are glancing through the job advertisements in the paper:
a) You notice all sorts of interesting positions which start you thinking about possibilities.
b) You think that the situation is much the same as it ever was; you’re better off staying where you are.
c) You think that there is no point in applying because the job’s either bound to be ‘spoken for’ or you wouldn’t stand a chance against all those people who are better qualified/more pushy/older/younger/ prettier.
7. You unexpectedly catch sight of yourself in a shop window:
a) You are pleased and satisfied with the image you see.
b) You think (yet again), ‘I must do something about my hair and get around to buying a new coat – and learn to stick to my diet …’
c) You quickly avert your eyes, wishing you hadn’t seen what was reflected there.
8. You are on your way to collect the morning’s post:
a) You wonder who will have replied to your letters or if there will be any surprises.
b) You doubt there’ll be anything in the pile for you.
c) You warn yourself that it’s bound to be all junk mail and bills.
9. It’s your birthday next week:
a) You can’t believe you’re that age because you feel so much younger – you wonder how you can best celebrate it.
b) You don’t really want a fuss made of it, perhaps because you are too busy or would prefer to forget time passing.
c) You know that you are likely to get presents that you don’t want and receive cards from people that are only ‘doing their duty’ by you – the only good thing is it’s an excuse for ‘getting plastered’.
10. You are given short change in a shop; you complain and the assistant apologizes profusely:
a) You accept the apology, thinking it was most likely to have been a mistake, but will remember to count your change carefully in future.
b) You feel very sorry for the assistant; you seem to have upset her so much that you wished you hadn’t bothered, and anyway what will people think of you, making a fuss over small change.
c) You accept the apology very reluctantly, inwardly convinced that it was no accident because they are all ‘at it’ these days’ …
11. You hear there are plans to build a road through the children’s park and the local sports centre:
a) You decide to find out more about the plans and join or start an action group to ensure the residents’ rights are protected.
b) You are upset but suppose they must have looked at all the alternatives and just hope that someone makes sure they replace the facilities.
c) You have a good moan about how planners are all the same – either thick or easily bribed. You know there’s certainly no point in trying to fight ‘that lot’ and the politicians are only out for the votes anyway!
High scores in category:
‘a’ indicates a positive, flexible and energetic outlook. You enjoy life, and value both yourself and your time. You like challenge and are ready and willing to look at ways of changing your life. You know how to reward yourself and have fun. You see the world as full of interesting possibilities and are able to enjoy meeting and relating to different kinds of people.
‘b’ indicates that you are in a lethargic, bored frame of mind and run the risk of slipping into negativity. Your life is probably stuck in a safe, even peaceful, rut but there is a danger that you will one day realize that life is passing you by! You are too eager to please and probably the kind of person whom everyone likes but few would get passionate about. You are in danger of ending up in the classic female martyr position – wondering why people are not grateful for all that you have done for them and why life has let you down.
‘c’ – You have become depressed and cynical. You have lost your energy and enthusiasm for life. You see people as potentially exploitative, and are no longer able to trust. You have probably lost contact with your emotions. You may have resigned yourself to spending a lifetime ‘getting by’, licking emotional wounds and experiencing physical debilitation. You are in danger of forgetting what it is like to feel positive about anything and may end up feeling very lonely, even when surrounded by a crowd of warm friendly people. If you continue in this mode there is very little chance that you will be able to look back on your life with pride and a sense of achievement. In fact, you are in desperate need of some positive reprogramming and have everything to gain from giving the course in this book top priority!
Chapter 3 Healing the hurt
One must learn to care for oneself first, so that one can then dare care for someone else. That’s what it takes to make the caged bird sing.
Maya Angelou
Emotional wounds
Once you have begun to get a clearer idea of the kind of person you are and where you want to go, you are ready to start the exciting process of reprogramming the auto-pilot of your unconscious mind so that it can help, not hinder, you to take your life in the positive direction you wish it to go. But before you can confidently glide along in top gear you must do some more preparatory work.
Without exception, every negative thinking person with whom I have ever worked has been suffering internally from what I shall call ‘emotional wounds’. Whether these are new, acutely painful, bleeding hearts damaged by some recent trauma, or ancient festering sores generated by childhood distress, they usually need healing attention before the person can become truly motivated to adopt a more positive outlook.
So, if your self-analysis revealed a considerable amount of negativity, it is likely that you could do with treating yourself to a strong dose of loving nurturing. ‘But how do I do that?’ is a question that I hear many times. It is amazing how many women there are who are superbly skilled at nursing and caring for others but simply do not know how to turn these skills inwards towards themselves! No doubt you’ve heard people say, ‘You’ve got to forget the past and get on with your life.’ Perhaps you even tell yourself that daily! But, of course, it is easier said than done and you know only too well that you would if you could. You obviously don’t enjoy feeling and behaving in a negative way, otherwise, I assume, you wouldn’t be reading this book.
Most probably, along with other deprivations you may have experienced, you were never taught how to express sadness or anger efficiently and healthily. Perhaps you have been taught that you should:
– grin and bear it
– take the rough with the smooth
– remember that there is always someone worse off than yourself
– not cry over spilt milk
– let bygones be bygones
or perhaps you were not encouraged to express and share feelings of pleasure, excitement and pride. Were these the ‘messages’ you heard?
‘You should never count your chickens until they are hatched.’
‘If you laugh before breakfast, you’ll cry before supper.’
‘Little things please little minds.’
‘Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.’
Of course this kind of stoical, stiff-upper lip philosophy has its uses. In the short term it frees our energy to cope with the practical problems which most crises inevitably produce. It may have helped our parents and grandparents win wars and survive many dreadful tragedies, traumas and injustices which their rapidly changing and increasingly competitive world had no time to deal with effectively – and, of course, it helped our mothers and grandmothers swallow the bitter pills of the discrimination and oppression in their patriarchal world.
But what about the cost of using such survival strategies on a long-term basis to cope with the most minor day-to-day problems? We can see the answer all around us. This strategy has produced generations of women who are today weighed down with buried pain and the debilitating physical and emotional symptoms of stress, and many thousands of others who are merely kept afloat by their addiction to mood-lifting pills, alcoholic tipples, chocolate cakes or the fantasy tales of the soaps. Even women who have managed to find fulfilment and happiness can still harbour feelings of guilt, a sense of foreboding about the future and a cautiousness about tempting the hand of fate by simply being too happy and successful!
Modern research has now revealed that repressed feelings do not simply melt away – they are stored as emotional or physical tension, which can play havoc with our health and ability to live harmoniously and happily. But we can learn more effective ways of managing our feelings on a day-to-day basis and this is a subject we will be discussing in some depth in Chapter 5.