Something Old, Something New

Chapter Three

A Lesson Learned

I shiver as I enter the chilly staffroom. It’s always dark and dank following the holidays, especially the Christmas break. The caretaker will only have turned the ancient heating back on this morning – about two hours before staff started arriving. I swear it takes a whole month to warm the school up and by the time the temperature’s just right, half-term rolls around again.

I check my pigeonhole and flick through the same old junk mail as always. Courses, form group attendance tracking sheets, meeting agendas from as far back as 2010 and a nice big sticky cobweb. I am flicking my hand back and fore, trying to dislodge the cobweb, when a warm hand lands on my shoulder.

‘Hello, sweetheart. How was your Christmas?’

I turn to face Laura, my port in the storm known as work, and throw myself into her arms. We rarely get together outside of school because neither of us has time but in work we’re as thick as thieves.

‘So good to see you! I relaxed… a bit,’ I say as I breathe in her distinctive and expensive perfume and admire her golden skin and glamorous highlighted hair. ‘But you look fabulous! How was your holiday?’

She waves a hand dramatically, ‘Oh you know darling. Hot and sultry, just how I like my men.’

We giggle like schoolgirls even though I’m almost forty and she’s in her mid-fifties. It’s also funny because Laura is happily married to Dean, and has been for the past ten years, so he’s the only man she has eyes for. They live comfortably, as she teaches and he has a successful career with a retail chain, and they’re devoted to each other.

‘Great to be back, eh?’ She gestures at the staffroom and I wrinkle my nose. It’s never great to be back, especially in January, but at least I get to catch up with her.

We make coffees and find seats then exchange the usual pleasantries with other teachers and support staff. I like seeing how much healthier teachers are following a break but I also know you can guarantee that within two weeks, maximum, the rosy cheeks will have been replaced with pale gaunt ones and the sparkly eyes will be dull and dark-shadowed. It’s one of the saddest things about this profession. These apparently normal people can be reduced to ghoul-like creatures within just fourteen days because of the workload, the pressure to get that all-important C grade out of every pupil, and the daily grind of the job. No wonder recent trade union surveys claim that many teachers are thinking of leaving the job within the next few years.

Just then, a loud throat clearing interrupts the murmur of sixty voices. All eyes turn to the towering form of our leader and we wait in silent, if slightly resentful, anticipation. I make an effort to unclench my teeth. It is too early in the term to be so tense.

‘Good morning everyone!’ she announces as she eyeballs us, checking that we are suitably attired, suitably awake and suitably humble. ‘Welcome back.’

There are a few hesitant replies, so she tries again. ‘I said… Good morning, everyone!’ She flashes large, white teeth in an attempt at a smile and I know that if I was standing, I would have to fight the urge to take a step backwards. Grudgingly, like grumpy teenagers, we reply with forced gusto. ‘I hope that you all enjoyed Christmas and that you are ready to commence the spring term refreshed and raring to go.’ She grins again at the staff, daring anyone to show an ounce of dissension. We plaster on fake smiles and I even find myself nodding. I hate this side of me. I’m not a sycophant but I just want to stay below the radar. I have no desire to invite more scrutiny into my life, thank you very much, so going with the flow is much easier than trying to fight it. I guess I’ve always tried to stay below the radar, although not always successfully. After losing my father, I became an instant target for the school bullies and it took a lot of effort to keep my head down and my mouth shut. There were a few occasions when I almost lashed out and attacked my tormentors, but the thought of what my mother was going through always helped me to keep myself in check. The bullies soon tired of trying to get a rise out of me and found another more volatile target for their cruelty. I used to wonder if my dad was actually there somewhere, looking down at me, feeling guilty about what he’d done and about the after-effects of his actions. Would he have worried about what I’d have to go through, would it have changed what he did? I shake my head to dispel the unsettling thoughts.

The head teacher seems placated and she launches into a monologue about termly plans, meetings, book scrutinies, lesson observations and pupil trails. It’s the same old story that every new term brings and I try to quell the fear that rises in my throat and threatens to choke me, or even worse, to draw attention to me by forcing me to projectile vomit across the staffroom. I can just picture the effect that would have on morning briefing; it would probably make the newsletter. English teacher Annie Thomas fired for defying the head! Because I do not doubt that this head teacher would see it as an act of defiance rather than as a bodily function that occurred as a result of work-related stress.

I have to make an effort to stay upright in my seat as I listen to it all. I am so tired of the doubt, exhausted by the scrutiny of books, of lessons, of planning, and of me. I came into this job fifteen years ago and in that time it has changed so dramatically that I barely even recognise it any more. It was meant to be a stable job that I could fit around my child, then my children, one that would provide a good income and a pension whilst being sufficiently stimulating to maintain my enthusiasm.

It has not been that for some years.

The English syllabus, my own subject, changes almost annually as different levels of the educational hierarchy decide that specifications need tweaking and pupils need more – or less – challenge, but the end result is always the same. Teachers are to blame for our illiterate young. Teachers are to blame for our ill-mannered young. And teachers are to blame for… well… just about everything that can’t be blamed on doctors, nurses and the police. Perhaps the most bewildering thought is that I’m supposed to work until I’m sixty-eight if I want to get my full pension. I mean, that’s almost another thirty years! I’m burning out now and wonder how I’ll ever make it that far.

As the head rounds up her speech, Laura gently pats my hand, dragging me back from my thoughts. ‘Ready?’

I nod reluctantly. But as I am about to rise from my chair, the head teacher holds up a hand. ‘And finally… I would like to welcome two new members of staff who are joining us today. The first is Melody Cromwell. She is our new second in Mathematics. And the second is Phillip Brown, who is here to cover Miss Hillman’s long-term sick leave.’ She grimaces at the word sick and my stomach clenches. This senior manager, just three years older than me, who spent a mere six years in the classroom before beginning her ascent to the leadership team, loathes sickness. I fear for poor Miss Hillman, I really do, should she ever return.

The new teachers, fresh meat for the predatory system, smile around at everyone with the confidence of the young and reckless. They do not yet know the truth about this world of red and green pens, this autocracy of deadlines, sleepless nights, irritable bowels and stomach ulcers. This is a world where frailty will lead to your destruction. The worst movie villain has nothing on our senior leadership team, where the trade union has been crushed and no one dares try to revive it.

But the new teachers will know the truth… very soon…

As I drain my coffee and place the mug next to the sink, the music from a well-known TV show plays through my head, and I almost laugh – almost – as I make my way to registration, imagining a giant finger jabbing at the newly qualified teachers. You’re hired… or… you’re fired…

I wonder which is worse.

****

The week passes in the usual blur of trying to pack too much in to too short a time and before I know it, Friday is upon me and I am teaching the last lesson. In spite of the exhaustion, I am always filled with jubilance during this lesson because it is the end of the week and the chance to breathe and relax, if just for a few hours, is in sight. This is week one of the timetable, so I have Year Ten, Set Three – persuasive writing. I have more chance of teaching Dragon how to bark I will survive in Spanish than I do of educating these teenagers about forms of writing, but I will try regardless.

‘So…’ I eye the young people – our future, our pride and our joy – as they sit facing me. Which is a good start. At least they’re actually sitting down and looking my way. I wonder if some of them are conserving energy before their Friday night drinking binge at the local park. I’m not being cynical, they openly brag about their plans to seek inebriation on Friday evenings—and sometimes during the week. One of the girls blows a pink bubble that pops and sticks to her lips and chin. I look away as she half-heartedly picks at the tacky mess, knowing that reprimanding her for chewing will only result in a debate I cannot win. ‘What makes a good piece of persuasive writing?’

A few hands drift into the air but many of the pupils drop their gaze to the floor, praying that I will not ask them to contribute. I pick one of the raised hands. ‘Harry?’ I try not to stare at what appears to be a smudge of tomato sauce below his left eye. How on earth did he get it up there? Or is it a scab? I can’t quite tell.

‘Repetition, Miss.’

‘Excellent!’ Always praise them: positive behaviour management. ‘And could you give me an example?’

He frowns, drawing his partially shaved black eyebrows together, and his eyes go blank. I wait. And I wait. Come on! I step from one foot to the other, twirling my board pen in my right hand like an ageing jazz band member. I want to help him out, but so many times we are told: Don’t be afraid of the silence. Give them time and they will answer. And this from people who’ve never taught, or who taught for all of three years before climbing the educational career ladder.

Nope. He’s not going to answer, is he?

Another hand slowly raises and I meet the boy’s eyes. ‘Do you have an example of repetition, Aaron?’

‘Yes, Miss.’

‘Would you like to share it?’ I encourage him to tell his peers as they stare at him, eyes wide as saucers as they roll their forbidden balls of gum around their open mouths. I try not to notice that some of the busy tongues are decorated with large silver balls. Jewellery is forbidden, so the pupils pierce tongues, necks, belly buttons and who knows what else in an attempt to craftily defy the system. But rebelling is a part of growing up, so the experts say.

Aaron blushes and I think I’ve lost. But then, he takes a deep breath and his nostrils flare. I bite my lip and watch him. The other pupils watch him.

What will he say?

What? What?

‘Bag a bargain!’ His eyes light up as he whispers to the class. My stomach lurches. Not that, please not that annoying catchphrase for a bargain retail chain! ‘Bag a bargain!’ This time a bit louder. Then the pupils around him join in. ‘Bag a bargain! Bag a bargain! Bag a bargain!’ They get to their feet and start swinging their arms out in front of them as if they want to sing to the world. Shanice, a small yet rather loud girl who wears thick black eyeliner and has a pierced tongue which has given her a speech impediment, points at me. ‘Come on, Missth. Join in!’

I stare at her for a moment then back at my PowerPoint, which is frozen on my board. I press the space-bar on my laptop as if it’s a panic button that will summon a special forces rescue team, but nothing happens. Technology has deserted me and I cannot access YouTube and the nice educational video I’d planned to share. I glance at the classroom door, torn between worrying that someone will arrive to find out what the commotion is or just opening it and fleeing. But I can’t run, however much I want to. I need this job; I have to provide for my children, I have bills to pay.

Then I think, what the hell, it’s Friday, and I walk into the middle of the room, take a deep breath and fling out my arms.

‘Bag a bargain!’ I squeak.

‘Louder Missth!’ Shanice waves at me.

‘BAG A BARGAIN!’ I belt it out this time.

The kids cheer and clap. ‘That’s it Miss!’

Then we sing in unison, pulling faces and making silly gestures to imitate the overly enthusiastic actors on the television commercial. Thankfully though, no one here is dressed in the luminous spandex featured in the advert.

As the pupils sing and laugh, then quit as suddenly as they began at the ringing of the final bell, I reassure myself. My lesson has not, as it might seem to some, been abandoned. It has evolved. For even though, to an outsider, what just happened could seem weird and a deviation from a more formal teaching method, it is one that will work for these modern-day children. Because if they learnt nothing else in my lesson today, I know that they will never forget the persuasive technique of repetition.

Even if they don’t actually know how to spell it.

Chapter Four

Wishing My Life Away

I hate that I do it but I do it anyway; I wish my life away.

The trouble with a job like teaching is that you live your life in chunks; everything is about waiting until the next holiday, working your way through the weeks until you can finally relax on a Friday night knowing that you don’t have to get up and go to school on a Monday morning. Every half-term break, I leave school with bags full of books and my laptop, intent on getting organised and finally… finally… getting on top of my marking, but it never quite goes to plan. By the time I’ve worked my way through the normal life stuff like cleaning the house, sorting the garden, taking the dogs for vet check-ups and the three children for eye tests, to the dentist and whatever social events they have planned, it’s time to go back to work and my marking remains untouched. Either in the dining room, where it sits in its extra-strong carrier bags for life, or sometimes in the boot of the car if I completely forget about it.

This means, of course, that I have to juggle it all when term begins again. But I often convince myself that this is the better option. After all, I’m more determined and productive under pressure, right?

January has given way to February and I can feel my spirits slowly lifting. The worst month of the year is over and done and I’m trying to look ahead to the spring and summer. Things seem to be running quite smoothly – Dex is happier now that his relationship with Trevor is out in the open, which in turn means that Henry and Anabelle are more relaxed. Janis is focused on her studies and Evan speaks to her at least three times a week to touch base. However, I’m well aware that something will come up. It always does. After all, life rarely continues without a bump in the road when you have three kids, two dogs and two divorces behind you.

Two divorces… That’s the deal breaker for me now isn’t it? I’m almost forty, have three kids and I failed to make two marriages work. Sometimes, I wonder what the future might hold for me but I try to push my concerns away. After Evan, I thought I’d never care for anyone again but I met Dex and we kind of fell into step together. It was no grand passion but it was company, friendship and better than being alone. Which was the problem. A marriage should be about love, lust, friendship, equality and a mutual desire to be together and to grow together. With Evan, there was passion, need, love and longing. But it was so consuming that at times, it was terrifying. I was afraid of being hurt, of ending up like my mother with a child relying on me and no husband in sight. It was different with Dex because I never loved him the way I loved Evan. I knew it from the outset, deep down, but I thought that what we had could be enough. Yet it wasn’t, for either of us.

Even so, splitting up wasn’t easy; it was heartbreaking. Dex and I both wanted our marriage to work and we were both angry that it didn’t. There was shouting, there were tears and there were horrible, tense silences when neither of us knew how to make it better. But somehow, one day, the clouds began to part and time has helped us both to heal. Life is short and I don’t want to be a bitter old lady who can’t let go of the past. I just wish I had a crystal ball.

As usual, I keep busy. I’m good at being busy.

The washer is on, I’ve vacuumed downstairs and the fridge and cupboards are well stocked as I went shopping last night after work. I’m contemplating tackling the ironing mountain when I receive a text. I check the display to see Evan’s name. Even now, after all these years, seeing his name on my mobile gives me a flutter in my stomach. Nothing romantic or silly of course. He’s a good guy but it wouldn’t have worked out all those years ago and we did the right thing splitting up. If we’d stayed together, who knows, we might have ended up hating each other; but as it was, I truly believe that we salvaged something.

I rub my chest with the heel of my hand. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then; including another marriage, two kids and a second divorce.

I lift my mobile and read his message.

Hey Annie! Just to let you know, I’ve a few ideas about what we could do for Janis’ birthday – seeing as how it’s the BIG one. I’ll run them by you soon. Hope you’re all okay! Evan X

It makes me smile that he always writes everything in full in his texts. He refuses to use shortcuts and must spend ages texting Janis and me. I send a quick reply, asking him to send more details nearer the time, then read it through to check the tone.

I switch on the kettle and lean against the kitchen unit. The high squeaky voices of cartoon characters drift from the living room followed by chuckles from Henry and Anabelle. I don’t like to leave them in front of the TV but now and then I guess it’s okay. I mean, parents can’t just constantly interact with their kids and entertain them all the time, can they?

Janis is still sleeping. It’s only ten and she deserves her rest. She had a friend over last night to study – on a Friday – so I can hardly blame her for needing to catch up on some sleep. I hope she’s not working too hard.

There’s a gentle knock at the back door and it swings open. It’s my neighbour Cassie. There’s a low wall between our back gardens and she often hops over it to come in for a gossip. She’s dressed like she’s just starred in a fitness video from the eighties and I have to swallow the sarcastic comment about starring in an eighties aerobics movie that springs to my lips.

‘Morning Annie,’ she says as she approaches me and helps herself to an instant coffee. She treats my home like it’s her own. I don’t mind. In fact, it helps to have someone else around when I need an emergency babysitter or someone to let the dogs out during the day. She takes a gulp of coffee then grimaces. ‘Did I not buy you some of the good stuff?’

I frown then realise that she’s on about the ground coffee for the cafetiere. ‘Yes, of course. I think it’s in the fridge.’ I gesture at the silver doors of the fridge-freezer but hope that she doesn’t look inside. I’m actually not sure if it’s in there or if Henry used it to age his homework scroll for his Viking project. Luckily, Cassie doesn’t look for it. She’s got that pained expression that she wears when she wants me to ask her what’s wrong.

I oblige. ‘You okay, Cass? You look kind of worried about something.’ I take a sip of coffee to hide my quivering lips. I love this woman, I really do, but she does enjoy her moments of melodrama.

She pats her platinum blonde curls and lets out a huge sigh. ‘I am, darling, I am. It’s just that I have a training session today with Vlad and…’

‘Vlad?’ I frown at her. ‘I thought your personal trainer was called Barry?’

She waves her hand. ‘That was my old trainer. I had to give him the push, Annie, because he had the most awful back hair. Don’t you listen?’

I’m torn between replying to her comment regarding my listening skills and asking why back hair matters in a personal trainer, when I realise that she probably did tell me. I often carry on with chores as Cassie talks and I may well have tuned out during that particular conversation. ‘Oh, yeah. I remember,’ I say. Better to just agree and keep the peace as she clearly needs to vent.

‘So, as I was saying, I have my first session with Vlad but I look such a mess.’

‘Who is this Vlad?’

‘My new trainer, Annie, I told you this too. He’s a six-foot-four wall of Russian beefcake. He spent some time on the bodybuilding circuit but although he still works out, he now focuses his own fitness business.’ She winks at this and I bite my lip.