I Need You

My cell rang ten minutes later. I was on the road into town. Flicking the indicator on, I pulled into the side and parked on the dirt on the edge.

I picked my cell up. She’d called.

My hand shaking like a douche, I called her back. The leather bracelet I had on my wrist declared its presence as it slid a little up my arm.

“Hi––”

“Hey, Lindy, you called me. How are you?”

“Are you driving?” Her voice was quiet and weak––it still cut through me like a blade.

“I’ve pulled over. You can talk if you want to talk. Why did you do it, Lind?”

“Because I feel like shit.”

“Lind––”

“You don’t need to tell me it was foolish, I know. And selfish, and pathetic, and… terrible… I… I’m sorry you saw me. Thank you for helping me. I think I’m gonna have a lot of apologizing to do.” She took a breath. “Say sorry to Jason too.” She hung up.

Shit, I smacked the wheel with the heel of my palm. Why did she have to be so frickin’ hard? Why did she have to hurt me so much? Why the fuck did I have to care about her? I wished my asshole of a heart would fall for someone else.

Dammit.

I called her back. “Don’t hang up on me. Are you still in the hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“How long for?”

“They’re going to let me go soon, but I’ve got to see a psychiatrist first.”

“Well that sounds like a good idea. Look, I’m here for you. I know I’ve been a shit friend for the last few months, but, forget that, forgive me, and let’s make up and be friends again.”

She didn’t say anything. I didn’t push it. She had a lot to forgive me for.

“Why did you do it, Lind?”

“It was stupid, I––”

“This is me you’re talking to, be honest. Why did you do it?”

She sighed. I imagined the air leaving her lips. I’d watched her sigh so many times in the last year or so.

“Because Jason had the baby and he’s so happy, and his life is perfect and my life…” she started crying. We were back to what Lindy and I had always been––I was her confidante, her life coach, her safety net, her servant, her punch-bag…God the list went on. I was everything, without getting anything I wanted. Her fucking fool.

She took a breath. “I hear myself, and I hate me. I know why you and Jason and everyone else dislikes me because––”

“Everyone doesn’t dislike you, Lind––” and I love you..

“It’s okay if you do dislike me. I understand…”

“Well I don’t, Lindy. I feel like I’ve let you down. I should’ve been around for you.”

“My mess isn’t your fault, Billy. You can’t do a thing to change it.”

I could. “I want to help you.”

“You can’t.”

“Let me be your friend again, Lindy. Let me make things up to you.”

“Billy, honestly, you have nothing to make up.”

“Well, I can’t stand seeing you like I did last night.”

“Sorry.”

I took a breath. “Do you want me to come and get you from the hospital later?”

“No, Dad’ll come.”

“Well then, text me when you get home and we’ll organize something. I’ll come over and see you.”

“Okay.” I could imagine her nodding, but I heard uncertainty in her voice.

“Lindy, you need a friend. That’s all I’m offering, I promise. No expectations. No pressure.” She didn’t have anyone else. She’d dumped all her girlfriends when we’d gone to college. She’d been one hundred percent full-on all over Jason since we’d left school. She’d isolated herself and that’s why we’d spent so much time together when he’d gone to New York. I was the only friend she had left. And that was torture.

“Okay, maybe. It depends how I feel.”

I couldn’t ask her for more.

“Don’t do it again, Lind. And if you’re tempted, call me…” But then I remembered the one night she had called me when it was late… Crap, I was not the one she’d pick to call.

“Bye.” The word ran through me. It sounded final. I couldn’t have stood it if anything had actually happened… if she’d succeeded and killed herself.

“Take care of yourself.”

“Thanks, Billy. And you will say thank you to Jason? I know he didn’t have to help me.” She hung up.

But why wouldn’t he have helped her? He’d just fallen in love with someone else; he didn’t want to see her dead.

When we’d been at school she’d been full of vitality––energy––she’d always been smiling. When we hit college she’s started changing.

Well, whatever, there was nothing I could do right now.

I slipped the SUV back into drive, looked in the side mirror, to check nothing was coming, waited until a vehicle passed, then pulled out and drove home.

Lindy

My finger kept hovering over Billy’s name in the contacts list on my cell. I’d seen the psychiatrist and she’d told me I had to start seeing her regularly, to talk out all the stuff going on in my life––and in my head. Then I’d come home and all the stuff going on in my life had hit me in the face. There was an atmosphere in the house. Fear. Loneliness. Pain. Because Mom was sick––she couldn’t help being sick––but I had to watch her wither away. It was too hard––I didn’t want to let her go.

My head, belly and heart ached. Life had been hard and cruel for too long. That’s why I’d tried to end it––I’d just been selfish for a moment. I’d tried to escape everything; Mom and Jason. His baby had been the thing that slid me over the Niagara Falls of despair, though.

But I wouldn’t do it again. I’d learned my lesson. Guilt was heavy. Mom had looked hurt and disappointed and Dad hadn’t been able to hide how bad he’d have felt if I’d succeeded.

If I was meant to die I’d have died. I was meant to face up to all this bullshit and keep going.

And Mom…

Now I could see all the stuff I’d been blind to.

I felt lousy, not because I’d swallowed a massive dose of happy pills, but because I’d hurt my parents.

Mom had every reason to bow out, and she didn’t––I’d tried.

I needed someone to hold me. I felt sore inside.

I touched the screen. Billy’s picture and details came up. He smiled at me out of the cell, with those warm dark-blue eyes of his. My thumb hovered over his number.

We hadn’t spoken since just after New Year, until I’d called him the other day. But I had no one else. He’d been the closest person to me other than Jason for years.

I wished what had happened, hadn’t…

I shut my eyes––I wish, I wish, I wish. If I had shiny red shoes on and clicked my heels, I wondered if I could go back in time, to when everything was right, then I could make sure everything stayed right.

That’s what my life had become––wishes that things had not happened, wishes that they wouldn’t, wishes that people would stay in my life.

I’d lost my friends. I’d given them up in favor of Jason, and look how that had ended. He’d moved on and left me behind. The only friend I’d had left was his best friend, until I’d messed that up too.

I was super-good at messing things up.

I sighed. Courage. I wasn’t going to fix things with the only possible friend I had left unless I made the move. He’d taken the first step the other day when he’d texted me––now it was my turn. I just had to do it.

I tapped the icon.

“Hi.” He answered, right off. My heart pounded.

“Billy?”

“You. Okay?”

“Yeah. I’m at home now. Dad picked me up at seven last night and brought me back. I appreciate you helping me out. I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I’m––”

“It’s okay, Lind. I’m glad you’re home. How did you get on with the shrink?”

When Jason had gone to New York, Billy had become my best friend, as well as Jason’s. But then he’d ended up in the middle of everything when Jason had deserted me.

“Okay, I have to see someone regularly.”

“Well that’s probably a good thing isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you today?”

“Down.” I sighed. The psychiatrist had told me to be honest rather than keep things trapped inside. “Jason having the baby makes me feel like crap still. Is that a bad thing to admit? Only the woman at the hospital told me I should admit how I feel.”

“Lind, if it’s how you feel, it’s how you feel, it just is. I know all this stuff is hard on you. I’m not judging you. Like I said the other day, I feel like I’ve let you down… Do you want me come around so we can talk?”

“Yeah.” God the thought of having someone to talk to outside of my house, and everything weighing down the atmosphere in here, was wonderful. Like an oasis in a desert.

“I’ll come over now then, yeah?”

“Yeah. You’re not working?”

“I’ve got a gap between clients. I’ll come over.”

“Don’t knock. Call me when you get here.”

“Okay, I’ll be there soon.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye, Lind. See you in a while.”

“Yeah.”

I fell back on my bed, lying on my back, with my cell still in my hand and stared up at the ceiling. Tears blurred the white fluffy clouds Dad had painted against the blue sky when I’d been a kid. The tears wouldn’t stop. I’d cried loads since I’d woken up in the hospital.

It was twenty minutes after I’d spoken to Billy that I got the second call.

“Hi, I’m parked outside your house. Do you want me to knock?”

“No, stay there, I’ll come out.” I ended the call, wiped my eyes, and stood, then glanced in the mirror. I looked like a ghost, pale and pasty. I hadn’t gone out of my room yet. I sat down to put some makeup on to hide the sorry-looking state of my face. I hated looking at myself in mirrors but I had to face that ugly girl to put on the mask I hid her behind.

Mom was in her chair in the living room. “I’m going outside.” Guilt made me feel I had to tell her everything so she didn’t worry I was doing something stupid.

“Why?”

“Billy’s outside, I’m just going to sit in his car and talk to him.”

“Lindy, love, you can bring him in…” She felt guilty too. Mom didn’t really want anyone in the house, she’d said so, anyone who saw her would know she was sick, and she didn’t want anyone to know––but after what I’d done, she was worried about it hurting me. It made me feel worse.

“It’s okay, I’d rather speak to him outside. We won’t go anywhere.”

“Darling––”

“Sorry. I just need to talk to him, then I’ll be back in.” I knew what she wanted to say, I didn’t have to explain myself––but then I knew she was afraid I’d try to kill myself again. “You can look out the window if you want.”

“Lindy…” My name was said on a sad, weak, sigh. She needed to know I was okay, but she didn’t want to have to know.

I’d messed everything up by taking an overdose. I don’t even really know why I’d done it. It’s just, that night, everything had seemed too much, and I’d had a drink, and escape and relief had opened up like a window I could jump through. I’d seen freedom from the pain ripping my soul apart, and I’d taken the chance.

But if I’d succeeded it wouldn’t have been an end to anything; it would have just made things worse for the people I’d left behind.

Fate had saved me from doing that.

But now I had no choice. I had to cope.

I turned, opened the door and went out.

Billy’s SUV was parked on the other side of the road. Nothing was coming up the street. I crossed over and went around to the passenger door, my heart racing as if someone was beating a crazy drum solo on it. “Hi.” I climbed up into the passenger seat.

“Lindy…” He’d freed his seatbelt already, and now he twisted sideways. He had long, loose shorts on.

We hadn’t spoken properly for so long––I didn’t really know what to say.

I pulled the door shut, anxious and nervous, and stared ahead, avoiding looking at him.

“You okay? Do you want me to drive somewhere?”

“No.”

“Do you want to talk?”

Yeah. So much. Tears gathered in the back of my throat, hurting.

I didn’t look at him. I’d cry.

My hands were in my lap. He leaned over and gripped one of them. “Lindy, I’m here.”

Oh Lord, the tears tumbled, rolling down my cheeks, and I was sobbing as his grip on my hand pulled me over, and he moved forward. Then his arms came around me, holding me tight.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t realize how bad you felt. I wish… God, I wish I’d handled things better. I let you down.”

I shook my head and looked at him. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault. It’s nothing to do with you.” I had a lot of people to apologize to. Surviving had made me see two things; I had to change and I was meant to accept things and just get on with it––like Mom did. But doing that wasn’t easy.

“I don’t know what to say.” His dark-blue eyes were warm and deep with feeling.

I sighed. I didn’t know what to say either. All I knew was that I hurt too much, and I didn’t know how to escape it.

“Do you want to get away?”

“What?”

“I could drive you out to the coast somewhere, once I’ve had time to book something, and you’ve had time to pack…”

I wanted to hug him back like he’d just hugged me––hard and tight––with gratitude and relief.

“We could run away together for a couple of weeks and not tell anyone where we’re going. No Jason. No baby. And no expectations from me, I swear. We’ll just be friends. I want you to be happy.”

I took a breath. I didn’t know what to say. What about Mom? And then there was my psychiatrist. And… “I don’t know.”

His hand gripped mine hard; the emotion in his eyes shining bright. “Lindy, let me make this up to you. I’ve been a shit friend for the last six months, and you need a friend––”

I did… “But you were with Jason.” My pitch came out as an accusation; any thought of Jason still raised a bitter taste in my mouth.

“You remember?” Guilt passed over his face.

“Why were you with him?”

His skin reddened, like he was going to confess something awful. “He’d called me that day. The day Rach had the baby.”

The day I’d overdosed.

“He asked me to wet the baby’s head with him and put everything behind us…” Billy’s eyes looked into mine as if he tried to judge my thoughts. “We’ve made up, Lind… and then we saw you and I knew I could never move on until you did too.”

All the pain trapped inside me raced to the surface. I couldn’t. That wasn’t a choice I had.

Tears rolled down my cheeks.

I wish…

Billy leaned over and his arms came around me. I rested my head on his shoulder, my arms about his neck. I needed someone to hug.

Billy’s arms and shoulders were really muscular. His body mass was double the size of Jason’s. He’d played football at school and college, and he’d studied sports and become a personal trainer. All that strength and solidity was reassuring.

But that’s what had got me into all the bullshit I’d fallen into back in the fall.

But I didn’t want to think of that. I just let him hold me while I reveled in the comfort and security.

Billy gave good hugs.

This was worth so much more than any conversation on a psychiatrist’s couch, or medication. Relief bloomed inside me, aching.

I’d needed to be held by someone outside my family.

His fingers combed through my hair. “Did you mean to end it, or were you crying out for help?”

I didn’t lift my head and didn’t answer. The ache of comfort was gone and instead the forest fire of guilt flared. I wouldn’t admit the truth; the truth was too awful. I didn’t have a good reason to give in.

The psychiatrist had told me, “Everyone has burdens to carry, and you shouldn’t feel guilty.” She’d said, “It’s stopped being about choice, the chemicals in your body are all muddled up so you can’t think straight.” I was on happy pills, and counseling now, and she’d promised me I’d feel better and I’d get out the other side.

I didn’t want to.

“Why did you go to Jason’s store…?” Billy’s fingers ran through my hair. I felt like a kid being comforted. It took me back years; to the years I’d been happy.

Why? I didn’t answer. He probably thought it was for revenge. It wasn’t. My life had been there, I’d worked there for years, been Jason’s second half for years.

Who was I now? What was there to do?

“I’m sorry, Lindy. If you let me help, I’ll make everything up to you.”

He had nothing to make up, not really, everything that had gone wrong between him and me was my fault.

“Do you want to get away for a while? Just for a couple of weeks even? I swear to God, there’ll be nothing in it. No expectation on my part at all.”

I needed help. I needed to escape. Just until I could get back on track. “Yeah.”

His hands gripped my shoulders and moved me back. He looked like he didn’t believe what I’d said. “Yeah?” His voice questioned.

“Yeah.” I nodded, my vision clouding with tears. I needed to go somewhere and pretend my life wasn’t what it was––for a short vacation. “I’ll have to speak to the psychiatrist, though. When do you want to go?”

He smiled. Billy was so nice, his heart shone right out of his eyes along with his smile. He hurt for me. We’d been close, before everything went wrong. This was him trying to put it right again. But nothing could ever be right.

Tears rolled onto my cheeks as the flames of guilt flickered.

Mom…

Billy held me against his chest. His big, solid arms fencing me in and holding the world out.

I felt better, like I had in the fall… And look where that had got us.

I pulled away, looking at the house. Mom must be at the window. This wasn’t her fault.

“What about Saturday, two weeks’ time?” Billy’s voice came out husky. “I’ll cancel my client appointments. You get everything agreed with the hospital and your Mom and Dad, and we’ll just get out of here for a bit, so you can escape all this shit?”

“Thank you, Billy. You’re a good guy, you know that?”

He gave me an apologetic smile. “We both know that’s not true. But I will be now. I swear, Lind, just friends…”

“I better go back in.” I wiped my face on my sleeve, trying to wipe off the tracks of tears so Mom wouldn’t see them, but it wiped my foundation off too. I hoped my mascara hadn’t run. “Text me.”

“I’ll let you know what time I’ll pick you up.”

“Okay.” I tried to smile, then turned away, opened the door and slipped out of his SUV. I didn’t look back as I crossed the road and ran up to the house.

When I let myself in, Mom stood by the window. I knew she’d been watching.

“You okay?” she asked.

I nodded, “Yeah.” But I didn’t stay in the living room. I walked on to my room, threw myself face-down on the bed and sobbed some more.

I was so messed-up and selfish.

Billy didn’t need the burden of a broken girl, I shouldn’t have said yes. He’d been ready to move on.

The forest fire of guilt flared and consumed everything else.

Billy

I slipped the SUV into drive and pulled away, my heart a boulder in my chest.

What that girl did to me! If Jason knew half the things I’d imagined over the last five years he wouldn’t have called me to meet up and wet his kid’s head.

Fuck.

Jason and I had messed her up.

This was a pile of shit.

When I walked in the door back home a lot later than I’d usually come in, my kid sister, Eva, called, “Hey, Billy!”

“Hey, Eva.” I lifted a hand.

“Where have you been?” Mom asked as I walked through the living room.

“At the gym.”

“You work out all day. You can’t have spent that long at the gym. You’re hiding something! I bet you’ve got a girl!” Eva’s passion in life was teasing me. But underneath it she loved having a much older brother to flaunt before her friends, and catch rides off of. She always gloated when I drove her to her friends’ parties. But she wasn’t a kid anymore, she was fifteen. “Don’t tell me you’ve finally given up on winning Lindy?”

I made a face at her. My family knew my trouble. In a bad moment I’d said something to Dad a couple of years ago and from then on my whole family had been a part of my secret Lindy addiction. “Nope, I saw her today.”

“Billy! I thought you’d stopped that.”

“I’m taking her away for a couple of weeks.”

“OMG!” Eva screamed.

“Is that a good thing?” Mom stood up.

“When you and that girl get together, it always ends badly, Billy.” Dad threw in his cent without moving from his armchair.

“Thanks for the enthusiasm.” I shrugged and turned away, but Eva grabbed my arm and then hugged me.

“I hope things work out. I’ll be glad for you if they do.” I gave her a squeeze then let her slip away.

“As will I,” Mom said, smiling at me.

My gaze shifted around them all. “Except this isn’t like that. It’s just as friends…”

Eva rolled her eyes. “Lindy is so blind.”

Mom kept smiling.

I turned away and headed for my room.

I scanned through my calendar and called clients to tell them something personal had come up; the stretched and worn leather band on my wrist sliding up and down.

I always wondered what the hell I’d do if it broke. It was my talisman.

The fingers of my other hand span it around my wrist a couple of times as I waited while a call rang.

I knew where I was gonna take her. To the place I’d run to every summer for years. It had started the summer we’d left high school.

There was no answer. I ended the call, but then my cell vibrated.

”Lindy’s back home.“ The message was from Jason.

”I know, I went ‘round to see her.”

”She okay?”

”Nope, quiet and crying.“

”Tell her sorry. And tell her Rach and me are thinking of her. We didn’t want her to get hurt.”

”She said to tell you sorry too. She’s sorry we saw her like that. She said she felt guilty about getting us caught up in it.”

He didn’t answer for a minute, but then came back and said. ”Tell her it’s okay. I get it. I know I messed her around. But tell her I hope she can be happy.”

I sighed. So did I. ”I’ll tell her. Do you still want to go out for a drink again next week?”

”Shit, yeah, I need another night out to get over that one. When?”

”Thursday?”

”Okay.”

The place I was gonna take Lindy to was beautiful. You could stay right on the beach in an apartment, listen the ocean and watch the waves roll up on the sand. It was the sort of escapism Lindy needed to put her vibes right.

I looked at my cell, and my thumb instinctively slid up Lindy’s image. ”Hey. I’m gonna take you to a place I know on the coast. It’s perfect for chilling out. You’ll get caught up in the awesomeness of the universe and forget about yourself.”

While I waited for a reply I booked the accommodation. I’d cancel the rest of my appointments later. I booked adjacent apartments.

”That sounds amazing.”

”Cool.”

“:-) Shall I transfer my share of the money to you?’

”Lind you’re not paying. I asked you. I owe you.”

”You don’t owe me anything. But thanks if you’ll pay. I’m not earning.”

‘I know. Maybe when we’re out there we can start working on what new job you feel like doing.”

“:/ When I feel better, Billy.”

“Yeah. Sorry I’m pushing. Too much. Too soon. One step, Lind. By the way, Jason said he’s sorry too, and that he and Rachel wish you well. He wants you to be happy. That’s what we all want.”

”Thanks.“

The thanks seemed final and I didn’t know what to say next.

My fingers tapped the desk, beating out a rhythm.

I wanted to call. I had a feeling she was crying. I shouldn’t have mentioned Jason. I didn’t call though ‘cause I’d grown a coward’s streak since the fall. I didn’t want to hear her tell me how she missed him and how much she still loved him.

Guilt curled up in a hard ball in my belly.

Why the fuck was she speaking to me? She shouldn’t be.