The Secret Love of a Gentleman

Chapter 10

Caro had spent her days very differently in the last few weeks. She often played with George and Rob, while Rob thought up silly games. Then in the evenings she dined at the table and afterwards went to the drawing room with Rob, Drew and Mary, where they would either play the pianoforte and sing, or play cards.

It was probably the strangest period of her life because it was the most normal she had ever felt. Rob frequently engaged her in conversation and offered his arm when they walked anywhere together. He also sat beside her at the pianoforte some evenings and would turn the music for her as she played, and on rare occasions, if the song desperately needed a baritone, he would concede and sing with her.

For the first time she did not feel like a parasite, and she was certainly not isolated, she felt a part of life, of a family, and she laughed every day, and smiled often, and most importantly—she was happy. It was a feeling of joy deep inside her.

“Uncle Bobbie!” George complained, gleefully, as his uncle chased after him and captured the running child, wrapping an arm about George and lifting him up by the waist. George’s feet kicked as though he was still running.

“I caught this little monkey.” Rob turned and grinned at her. “I’m not sure exactly what species it is.” George wriggled.

“Aun’ie Caro!” he complained.

They’d taken George for a walk, leaving Mary and Drew to enjoy a little peace with Iris. Their path followed a circular route about the edge of the formal garden, along a woodland wilderness walk. It did not have the orchestrated picturesque views of Albert’s vast gardens, but it was quaint and it made Caro feel absorbed in nature. Birds sang from the branches above, and the summer breeze swept through the leaves, which shaded them from the sun, rustling them and making a pretty sound, while bees buzzed and butterflies fluttered through the air, adding more bright colours to the occasional planting that lined the route.

It was a beautiful day.

Rob had left his coat and waistcoat off because the day was so hot. They were used to being informal because of playing with George. He’d rolled his shirt sleeves up too and so, as he carried George under his arm the fine, dark hairs on his forearm showed against his pale skin, and he was sweating, so his shirt stuck to his side and became transparent.

It was a very hot day. It was the best place to be, beneath the trees.

“Put me down, Uncle Bobbie!” George wriggled harder.

“When you can behave, little monkey. You were told not to run.”

Rob turned and stopped, waiting for her to catch up. George kicked out, complaining, at Rob’s side.

She smiled, her legs slashing at her petticoats and the skirt of her dress. Her bonnet, which hung from her neck by its ribbons, bounced against her back. It was not fair that Rob could strip off layers and she could not. The thought stirred a tight feeling in her stomach.

When she reached him, she ruffled George’s hair.

“Aun’ie Ca’o.”

Rob swung him round to sit at his hip, and Caro actually glimpsed Rob’s skin at his waist as his shirt pulled up.

Rob gripped George’s chin and made George look him in the eyes as George clasped Rob’s neck. “Now, George Framlington, you are not to run ahead, there is a stream further along. If you tumble into that and drown your mama and papa would string me up. You’re to do as you are told or I will not bring you out for a walk again. Do you hear?”

George lifted his chin free, but nodded.

“I wish to hear the promise from your lips. Say it George, I will not run off.”

George’s lower lip wobbled. He hated to be told off, but then he said, “I won’t ‘un. I p’omise.”

“Good boy.” Rob patted George’s back, then he added more softly. “There’s no need for tears. You did wrong. You know you did, but now you are going to do right.”

“You may hold my hand,” Caroline offered.

“Or ride on my back,” Rob added.

“’ide” George chose, already lifting his hands to Rob’s neck. Rob shifted him, spinning him to his back as George’s arms circled his neck, and then he carried George in a piggyback, with George’s legs looped over his arms.

George looked ahead over Rob’s shoulder. Caro smiled at them both.

Rob’s patience was a wonderful thing.

“You are good with him,” she commented when they began walking again.

“I’ve had enough practice. Remember the size of my family.”

“I did not have a close family. We were not like yours.”

Rob glanced at her and smiled. “I know. Mary met them. She’s spoken of it. She described them as unpleasant.”

“She was being polite. But they were not unkind to me. Drew and I were just not wanted and ignored—for understandable reasons. The Marquis did not want Mama’s little cuckoos in his nest.” She laughed—she was talking to him of things she never spoke of. But they had become friends and friends shared confidences. “I do not even know who my father is. Neither does Drew.”

“But the fault was your mother’s, not yours. Did the Marquis not recognise that?”

She looked at Rob with a shrug. She had never understood her mother. The woman had not one maternal bone in her body. “Perhaps, but if we were treated as though we did not exist then her infidelity could be ignored. It was Mother’s view too. We were mistakes to be disposed of. Fortunately for me, Albert was willing to ignore my birth—or perhaps he did not know. He never mentioned it and neither did I.”

“Fortunately… Forgive me if this is ignorant, but what was fortunate about your marriage?”

Caro glanced at him, surprised to hear him speak of it, but she did not feel horror as she might have done a few weeks ago, and she had spoken of it first.

“I’m sorry, it’s none of my business.” His smile became apologetic.

But it was nice to feel comfortable to talk, and Rob was easy to talk to. He never judged. “It does not matter. You may speak of it. But my marriage was not always bad. I loved him.” She still did, in a way. He was the only one who had ever shown her the intensity of feeling that had felt like love, and her body and her soul had never forgotten it—the thing she’d lacked and longed for as a child. Drew may care for her, but it had always felt such a shallow comparison to the infatuation Albert had shown. And she still knew Drew’s affection to be a shallow emotion compared to what he felt for Mary… “I was young when I met him and I suppose I idolised him. He was attentive and earnest. He courted me with devotion. We spent hours and hours together before we married, and he was so determined to have me that he threatened to run off with me if the Marquis disagreed. Of course the Marquis did not refuse.”

A sound of amusement slipped from her throat when she remembered how happy her mother and the Marquis had been at the news they were to be rid of her so easily.

“Even when we married, though…” She glanced at Rob, to see him watching and listening. “…things were wonderful, Albert spent hours in my company at the beginning. He never said he loved me, but I thought it was love. Yet in the second year his interest waned, and he began keeping mistresses.” Her memories drifted into things she did not want to recall, and she stopped talking as images flashed through her thoughts: strikes, words shouted in her face, the unbearable sensation of failure and loneliness.

“Caro…”

She had stopped walking as well as talking. Her consciousness returned to the woodland walk, the sound of the birds and the sunshine above the trees. Those bad moments and those feelings were behind her. She looked ahead and began walking again. “He spent less and less time with me. He wanted a son and I could not carry a child. In the end I was not good enough for him. Things turned sour and his anger grew worse, and, well… you know the rest,” she whispered the last.

They walked a few steps in silence, her gaze focused on the grass pathway.

She glanced at Rob. George was sucking his thumb as his head rested against Rob’s shoulder.

An elemental warmth twisted in her stomach—longing. “I am glad I married him. In the first year and the year that he courted me, he made me happy. I was fortunate to have those years. They were the happiest of my life. What I had missed in attention as a child, I received from Albert tenfold, and it felt like heaven then.”

“You need more happy years, then,” Rob said in answer, as he looked ahead.

“I do not anticipate them…” A lump caught in her throat. She’d never thought of her unhappiness. She had spent years here, angry with herself for her failure to succeed as a wife, disappointed and ashamed. But to be unhappy was unfair on Drew. He’d done so much for her. Yet now Rob was here and she’d discovered what it was to be happy again. She knew how unhappy she’d been.

She swallowed, not looking at Rob, and she did not think he was looking at her. “Why am I telling you this? I’ve told all this to no one else, not even Drew.” She laughed then, to dispel the melancholy feeling wrapping about her heart.

“I do not know. But I am glad you feel able to. We have truly become friends, haven’t we?”

She smiled at him.

“Perhaps I am easy to talk to because I’ve spent a lifetime listening to my sisters.”

She laughed and it was not shallow laughter, it came from her stomach. How absurd. A moment ago she had been remembering the awful muddle she’d made of her life with Albert and then Rob had made her laugh.

Her gaze turned to Rob’s shoulder. “George has fallen asleep.”

“We’re nearly back anyway.”

Caro looked ahead. The narrow stream that signalled the end of the woodland walk was a few feet ahead.

Robert navigated it first, carefully stepping onto the flat stone in the middle of the stream. He set one foot on the far bank, left one on the stone, reached an arm behind him, bowing forward to carry George’s sleeping weight, then held out a hand to Caro.

Her heartbeat raced, and her breathing fractured when she looked at his bare, slender, long fingers as his hand reached out.

He was being gentlemanly, gallant. It would be ridiculous to refuse the gesture. Yet her hand was bare too. It was too hot for gloves.

It is nothing of consequence.

She clasped his fingers and their warmth and strength closed about her grip, but the feeling of his security grabbed at her soul too when she stepped onto the stone. Her heart thumped as her bosom brushed against his chest briefly.

Heat flared in her cheeks, but there were other sensations too, sensations that recalled memories from her marriage bed.

“Caro…” he said in a low voice, his eyes a very dark grey.

She smiled, ignoring the heat burning in her cheeks and fought a foolish urge to kiss him. Then she stepped on, climbing up onto the far bank, lifting the hem of her dress with her free hand.

He kept hold of her hand and she held him steady as he stepped onto the bank. She met his gaze when he did, her limbs turning to aspic. There was a look in his eyes that she had seen in Albert’s long ago, when Albert had courted her—Rob’s pupils were wider, and they seemed to glow with a depth that was not normally there.

“George, will fall if you’re not careful,” she said, letting his hand go.

He smiled. “I’ll move him. Just take him for a moment so he does not topple off.”

Caro lifted George from his back, and then Rob took him again.

George’s head rested against Rob’s shoulder, while Rob’s arm braced George’s back and his hand gripped one of George’s legs. He gave Caro another smile. “Do you ride?”

She nodded. She did, but she had not done so for years.

“Then, shall we ride tomorrow? We could ride onto John’s land and give the horses their heads.”

A gallop. She hadn’t ridden since she’d left Albert—she didn’t even really know why. But Drew had never offered to accompany her and she’d never asked, nor thought of riding alone. But the thought of it now…

“I would like to.”

Chapter 11

“You should come,” Rob suggested, leaning back in his chair at the dining table and eyeing Caro with determination as he twisted the stem of his wine glass in his fingers.

She wished to poke her tongue out at him, but she would not before Drew and Mary. Instead her forehead creased into a scowl as she closed her lips on her argument.

“Why not, Caro?” Drew, pushed.

She ignored him.

Drew, Mary and Rob had visited a neighbour’s for dinner the night before. She had not joined them, she had become used to Rob being here, and her feelings of discomfort being silent, she did not wish to stir them up again. But now they were trying to persuade her to attend an assembly in Maidstone that they had heard about from Drew’s neighbour.

“You will have all three of us with you,” Mary urged, quietly.

“You need not even dance, if you do not wish to,” Drew stated. “One of us will stay with you.”

“I will stay with you,” Rob stated, “They will wish to dance with each other.”

“We will not,” Mary answered, “I can barely persuade him to dance one set, even if it is a waltz. Drew does not like dancing.”

“It’s superfluous,” he responded, laughing, “once you have a wife.”

“Well, I enjoy it,” Mary bit back.

“Then I will dance with you, and Drew can keep Caro company.” Rob smiled at his sister.

“Well, I prefer swimming, but I get precious little chance to do that these days.” Drew lifted an eyebrow at Mary, who blushed.

“I dare you,” Rob said to Caro from across the table.

She shook her head at him. “No, Rob.”

“Why?”

“Rob…” she pressed him to be silent.

“Let us talk about this in the comfort of the drawing room over a hand of cards.” Drew rose. They all rose then, their chairs scraping on the wooden floor.

Caro walked beside Mary. But then Rob appeared at her other side and gently braced her elbow.

She was used to his touch now. He often held out his arm or his hand for her to take, they’d taken three early-morning rides together in the last week, and when they did he would hold his joined hands in a step for her to mount—and grip her waist to lift her down when they returned.

He leant to her ear and whispered. “I cannot understand what you are so afraid of. It is just a little country dance. Come, and do not dance. I understand you do not like to be touched by strangers, but you might enjoy the company and conversation. Be brave, Caro. I know you are…”

“Rob…” she sighed, willing him to stop pleading.

“You trust me now. You trust Drew and Mary. We would not allow you to feel threatened. If you do, then I will bring you home. I’ll even take my own curricle, if you wish, so you may leave at any time.”

“You do not understand.” She stopped and turned to face him, freeing herself from the distracting grip on her arm.

Drew and Mary walked on.

“I understand that you keep yourself shut in here like a prisoner. You should break out.”

Neither Drew nor Mary looked back, leaving them to talk. At first Drew had raised his eyebrows on occasion, when Caro had become more relaxed with Rob, but now it had become commonplace.

“You will come, Caro?” Rob’s fingers touched her cheek and turned her gaze to him.

“No.”

His thumb brushed the edge of her lips accidently.

Like the first time she’d taken his bare hand and the first time he’d held her waist when he’d lifted her down from a horse, a sudden jolt lanced through her body. She knew what it was – desire. It was the feeling she had learned in her marriage bed, and when she looked at Rob she felt it. He was too beautiful.

“Will you come for my sake?” he asked, his dark eyes glinting in the light of the single candelabra that stood on a cabinet behind her. “You have immense courage. Remember it.” His breath caressed her lips. He was so close.

Her gaze held his. His eyes were reassuring, confident and encouraging.

She looked at his lips. She wished to lift to her toes and press her lips against his; there was something invisible within her pulling her to do so. She had imagined it often, ever since they’d crossed the stream, when he’d carried George, and she had thought she’d seen the same pull in his eyes.

That look she’d seen in his eyes then was not there now. She’d thought it desire too, and yet, she wondered if she’d imagined it. She had not seen it in his eyes since, only this open look of like and care.

He was inviting her because he cared…

The thought stirred places in her soul, as his touch moved her physically.

She should go. She should stop locking herself away in her glass gaol, Do I have the courage?

Her gaze clung to his. “I will go,” for your sake. The last words erupted from somewhere within her, but she did not say them. They were foolish, yet true. She wished to be in his company.

His gaze seemed to delve into her.

“Caro! Rob! Are you coming? We’ve dealt already.” Drew’s voice stretched back into the hall, echoing about the stairwell.

Rob smiled, cheerfully. There was a charm in his smile and it caught like a stitch in her middle when his hand fell away. “That is settled, then.” He cupped her elbow. “Come along, let’s tell Drew.”

She took a deep breath. What had she just agreed to?

When they reached the drawing room, he let go of her. “Caro is coming to the assembly. I have persuaded her.”

Drew looked up, his mouth open and his eyebrows lifting. But he said nothing.

For years Drew had encouraged her to broaden her horizons. He would be happy that she was going.

Mary stood. “Oh, I am so glad. We will have fun.” She gave Caro a sisterly embrace, full of excitement.

~

The assembly rooms in Maidstone were above the coaching inn, and the area before it tonight was full of carriages when they arrived. They were late because Caro had delayed coming down from her rooms.

Rob had been kicking his heels in the hall for nearly an hour, wondering if he ought to go up. But in the end she’d appeared on the stairs, and he’d had to stop himself from staring as she walked down the last flight.

He’d never seen her in a ball gown. He’d never seen her attend a dance, so of course he had not… But she’d found a dress, or perhaps borrowed one of Mary’s. It was teal. The colour set off her golden hair, and as she came closer he noted how well it caught against the colour of her eyes too. The little amber cross necklace she wore rested in the cleft between her breasts.

“You look beautiful,” he’d said, and he would have offered his arm, but Drew offered his first, so instead Rob had escorted Mary to the carriage.

A footman opened the carriage door. Drew climbed out and offered his hand to Mary to help her down. Then Drew held his hand out to help Caro. Her shawl slipped from her shoulder a little as she left Rob in the carriage. Her hand was shaking when she pulled her shawl back up. She breathed in deeply as she took Drew’s hand and climbed down, and breathed out as her foot touched the ground.

When Rob climbed out, he heard Caro’s next shaky intake of air.

She’d been sitting with her head lowered throughout their journey, her bosom lifting and falling with her measured breaths. He’d presumed she’d been fighting her fear, yet now it seemed to be overwhelming her.

When Drew let go of her hand, Rob took it and set her fingers on his bent arm, then pressed his hand over hers. She was shaking and her gaze darted about the carriages and people.

“We are beside you,” Rob whispered. Drew looked sideways at them as Mary rested her hand on his arm.

“Caro,” Drew encouraged them to walk ahead.

Caro shook her head. “You lead.”

“Caro…” Drew’s voice expressed concern. It was clear she was not comfortable.

“We will follow you,” Rob answered for her.

Drew had commented, only two days ago, on how much Caro had changed, how relaxed she was in Rob’s company. Rob had given Drew the same explanation he’d given Caro—it was probably due to him having so many sisters.

It said a great deal, though, that tonight she accepted his support—and she’d only come because he’d urged her. They had grown close. They were friends. He’d had a desire to see her laugh, and he’d achieved that weeks ago, but he still now longed to see her dance even more than he had at the beginning of the summer. Then it had been a fascinating concept. Now he wished his friend to be able to do as she pleased. To enjoy herself.

Pride swelled in his chest, on her behalf, because she had come this far, and yet he wished her to take more steps.

Drew walked ahead with Mary.

Rob’s hand pressed over Caro’s, urging her to keep going as they followed.

Caro’s fingers curved on his arm, grasping, as they stepped over the threshold of the inn.

“Upstairs, my lord, my lady, sir, ma’am.” The doorman directed them to the stairs.

Caro’s breathing fractured into short, sharp sounds.

Damn propriety. If others judged, they could go to hell. Rob let his arm fall and clasped her hand in his instead, willing her to be brave as they began to climb the stairs.

Drew glanced back at Caro over his shoulder, offering her a shallow smile. She was not looking up, though, her gaze was on the steps ahead of them, and she did not seem able to notice her surroundings.

Rob nodded at Drew, to say he would help her manage it.

But then she stopped. “I cannot.” She looked from Rob to Drew. “I cannot. Take me home. Please.”

Rob held her hand more firmly and looked at Drew, who had half-turned. “You go in. I will take Caro back outside for a moment. If she still wishes to go home, I will take her and have the carriage sent back.”

Drew looked at Caro, anxiety in his eyes, but she nodded. He smiled slightly, giving his cautious agreement, then turned away.

Voices rose behind them as others began to climb the stairs.

“Rob.” Caro’s fingers gripped his hand more firmly—clinging. “Please may we go?”

He turned and led her back downstairs, past the group who’d just entered. Her arm trembled, and her breathing became hurried, short gasps for air. It was not a mere lack of confidence, it was a very real terror, the sort of terror he’d seen when one of his younger siblings had woken from a nightmare and were still unsure of what was real and what was not. But he knew Caro’s nightmare was not imagined; it had been real in the past.

“We will walk this way,” he said, as they stepped back out into the night. The air was warm, humid and heavy.

She drew in a deep breath as he walked her away from the carriages.

A little further along the street the shadows cast by the moon dropped back into the churchyard. If they walked there it would be silent and they would remain undisturbed, and unobserved, while Caro had chance to calm herself.

Rob’s heart thumped hard, and compassion gripped tight in his chest as he walked with her. “This way.” He led her through the wrought-iron gate onto the stone pathway leading towards the church.

Once they were in there, the darkness consumed them, but it seemed to ease Caro, her hold on his hand softened and her breathing slowed.