If You're Not The One

They’d all slept with someone, though if she were being totally honest, Jennifer rather regretted her liaison at the beach with a handsome Greek guy on their second night. She knew she’d lived up to the reputation English girls seemed to have, of being easy. By the same token, she’d decided not to lose any sleep over it. She wasn’t proud of how little it had meant, but still didn’t see why girls should feel any worse than guys did, about what amounted to nothing more than a consensual exchange of bodily fluids. The only thing that had been slightly awkward was bumping into him from time to time. Neither of them could be bothered to keep up the pretence of interest now the act had been done.

‘Can I borrow your red dress, Jen?’ asked Esther, emerging from the bathroom in a towel, strawberry blonde hair hanging in damp tendrils around her face.

Since arriving on Kos the four of them had eased into a routine which consisted of sleeping until midday, at which point they’d force themselves to get up, no matter how much their heads were splitting, for tanning purposes. Then, after an afternoon of roasting themselves at the beach, they’d return to the apartment, shower, slather themselves in more after-sun than was probably necessary and have a sleep. Making sure first of course that they’d set the alarm so there was no danger of missing out on another night of partying.

Now, without waiting for a response Esther bent down to extract the dress, which was rolled in a ball and stuffed in Jennifer’s rucksack. Only the minute she did, the red dress became exactly what Jennifer wanted to wear that night. Esther borrowing her clothes was starting to get on her nerves, partly because with her long freckled limbs, she looked totally amazing in all of them.

Esther was the rare sort of girl who actually looked better with no make-up on at all. She wasn’t overtly sexy and yet was probably the most naturally pretty of the group. Back home in London, it was usually Jennifer’s more obvious sex appeal or Karen’s big boobs which guys noticed. However, whilst it might have taken their fellow students at College a few glances before they finally worked out just how attractive Esther really was, on holiday her tall physique and bare-faced beauty made her the instant star of the beach.

‘Um, sorry babe I think I’m going to wear it,’ Jennifer said sleepily.

Esther tutted. ‘Shit, what am I going to wear then?’

‘Don’t know, but hurry up,’ said Karen, drawing deeply on one of the two hundred Merit cigarettes she’d bought at Kos airport, before adjusting her dress straps in order to heave her considerable cleavage up as much as possible. ‘I am so up for it tonight.’

‘Makes a change,’ teased Jennifer.

‘Shut up,’ said Karen, grinning, teeth white against her brown face.

Normally her deep tan would have really suited her but sadly on this trip, the browner she got the more alarming she looked. Not for the first time Jennifer visibly balked at the sight of Karen’s hair. When they’d first arrived in Greece Karen had announced her intentions to go blonde with the help of a bottle of Sun-In. Typically, she’d ignored all her friends’ protestations completely, despite the fact Sun-In was never designed to be used on dark hair.

As a result, instead of the sun-kissed highlights Karen had been imagining, her reward for being so pig headed was patches of dodgy orange hair which looked like straw and was brittle and coarse to the touch. It had looked horrendous when she’d first done it but at least then she’d been pale.

Luckily for Karen however, what she had in her favour was her attitude. She’d always had incredibly thick skin meaning that it would take more than orange hair to ruin her holiday. Whereas, had the same thing ‘happened’ to Jennifer, it would have been a complete game changer. And as for Lucy, who’d always been self-conscious about her looks, partly because she’d never had brilliant skin and suffered from a bit of acne, if she’d had to deal with the Sun-In disaster she probably wouldn’t have left the apartment ever again, unless it was to go shopping for a burkha. But then Karen pretty much had a ‘fuck it’ approach to most things which would get her far in life, occasionally into trouble and lots of male attention.

Tonight she’d tried to mitigate the hair disaster by gelling it all back off her face. It looked seriously bizarre but, as ever, Karen preferred to concentrate on the positive so was reeking of confidence due to how good her boobs looked in her mini dress. Jennifer admired her for it.

As Jennifer looked at her friends, her best friends, getting ready for their night out, their biggest concern being what to wear, she was filled with the sense that this was a carefree time to be treasured. When they got home, A level results would be waiting for them and the next stage of education would begin. But for now they didn’t have to worry about anything except getting a tan, a task the girls had applied themselves to with more zeal than they probably had to their recently taken exams. Only Lucy with her pale, almost translucent skin and mousy blonde hair was still roughly the same colour she’d started out, though not for want of trying.

‘Do I look all right?’ she asked now, having slipped on a halter-neck top and a pair of shorts.

‘You look lovely,’ said Jennifer sincerely, lazily stretching one brown leg out over the white sheet she was entwined in. She loved having brown feet. ‘Those polka dot shorts are really cool.’

‘Come on,’ nagged Karen, who was dying to meet up with Mark. She’d met him four nights ago. He was twenty-four, from Wigan, and worked as a carpet fitter which had given rise to lots of predictable jokes about Karen getting laid.

‘Right,’ said Jennifer, finally heading for the shower.

Two hours, a quick pizza (they ate as cheaply as they could every night, preferring to save their money for drinks) and one bar later, they were in the best spot on the island. Club Kaluha. The club was huge, and outrageously expensive to get into unless you struck it lucky and got a pass from one of the PRs who scouted Bar Street looking for girls to entice in. Jennifer and her friends hadn’t paid to get in once so far, but poor Mark and his mates had had to stump up every night, much to their chagrin.

There was an inside section of the club but the majority of it was outside and in the middle was a massive pirate ship surrounded by palm trees. Walking in, having greeted the bouncers who by now they were on first name terms with, they were met by a wall of house music and what felt like an electrical charge of energy in the air, palpable anticipation. Then again, everything was always going to feel magical when there was a warm breeze, everyone had a tan and people’s biggest concern was who fancied them.

‘You all right?’ said Lucy to Jennifer, coming to join her on one of the outside seating areas where she had a good view of the ship and the main bar. She’d been sitting there for a while now, on her own, enjoying the music and watching the world go by.

‘Yeah, well happy. You?’

‘Good. Bit sad though. I don’t want this to end.’

‘I know,’ said Jennifer. ‘It’s been amazing. Still, I reckon uni’s going to be a right laugh.’

Lucy nodded. ‘Wish we were all going to the same one. You and Karen are so lucky.’

‘Look at Esther,’ interrupted Jennifer, nudging Lucy hard and laughing.

The two girls chuckled as they watched Mark’s mate, who for some inexplicable reason was called ‘Bonehead’, trying desperately to chat Esther up. Esther looked decidedly unimpressed as Bonehead advanced ever closer to her, shouting in her ear against the music. At the same time she was backing away, partly because he had a terrible lisp so was literally spraying her with his enthusiasm.

‘Mark’s a lovely guy but his mates are well annoying,’ said Lucy.

‘I know,’ agreed Jennifer. ‘I feel like we’ve slightly lost Karen to Mark too which is a bit of a shame. She’s bloody obsessed.’

And then, at exactly the same time, they saw him.

‘Oh my god,’ mouthed Lucy. ‘Are you looking where I am?’

Jennifer certainly was. He was absolutely gorgeous. Without even realising she was doing it, she suddenly found herself sitting up and angling her entire body in his direction.

He was standing by the bar, to the left of the ship, and was nodding his head in time to the music, watching a group of girls who were dancing next to him. He completely stood out from the crowd. He was wearing a T-shirt and combat trousers but his body was that of a demi-god and to Jennifer he seemed to ooze testosterone, sex appeal and something more dangerous. His arms were muscular yet lean and brown and he put Mark and his mates in the shade. They were mere boys compared to this specimen of manhood.

Just then he turned and caught Jennifer’s eye and as he did, a number of things happened. Firstly, Lucy realised in a nanosecond she was out of the running. Secondly, Jennifer suddenly sensed that the next few days were going to be very interesting, and thirdly he gave her such a confident grin she suspected he was thinking along the same kind of lines as she was. It was as if he liked what he saw but more thrillingly, clearly knew he could have it.

‘He’s coming over,’ squealed Lucy all flustered.

‘Oh my god,’ panicked Jennifer, realising her friend was right. ‘I shouldn’t have had that slice with pepperoni on it. Quick Luce, smell my breath.’

‘Fuck off, weirdo,’ complained Lucy, shoving her away. ‘And no, you’re fine anyway.’

Quickly, Jennifer stopped breathing on Lucy, pulled her skirt down and rearranged her legs to look as slim as possible. Then, as he continued his approach, she flicked her long, brown hair over one shoulder, realising as she did how obvious she was being. She flicked it back again but then worried in case she looked like she was having some kind of attack.

‘All right, girls,’ he said, finally coming to a stop directly in front of Jennifer. His accent was broad and northern.

‘All right,’ said Jennifer looking him straight in the eye, acknowledging the instant flicker of attraction that she’d felt between them. This was going to be so much fun.

She frowned at Lucy who was making a silly face at her as if to say I see you flirting, Missy.

‘Drink?’

Jennifer nodded, her eyes never leaving his. Nerves dissipating, she concentrated on letting him know she was more than a match for him and felt her stomach flip as he grinned again and looked her up and down in a way that could only be described as filthy. Every nerve ending fizzing, Jennifer watched as he returned to the bar where the queue for drinks was three people deep, while Lucy elbowed her excitedly in the ribs.

‘Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,’ squealed Jennifer, eyes still glued to him.

Unsurprisingly, the barmaid noticed him at once and served him straight away. She obviously knew him and the easy way in which he bantered with her, made Jennifer briefly wonder what she was getting herself into.

A minute later he returned carrying three lethal-looking cocktails. Jennifer was pleased he’d got one for Lucy.

‘Here you go. B52s’

‘Thanks,’ said Jennifer, tossing her hair again and shoving her breasts out as far as she could until, that is, she realised Lucy was laughing at her at which point she returned them to their normal vantage point.

‘You’re gorgeous,’ he said, matter of factly.

‘Not so bad yourself,’ she shot back, thrilled by his flirting.

‘Thanks for the drink,’ said Lucy, giving her friend a large wink and slinking off to leave them to it and find some fun of her own.

Half an hour later, Jennifer had found out that his name was Aidan, that he’d been on Kos all summer and that he was the most exciting person she’d ever met. He didn’t seem to conform to any rules. He’d left home, was travelling the world, his only real plan being to permanently escape his home town of Carlisle and to end up living in Australia. They’d already kissed and it was so charged with sexual excitement it had practically blown her head off. Now he was sliding his hand gently up and down her thigh, which tickled a bit, in a gloriously shivery kind of way.

‘Do you want one?’ he said suddenly, pulling a little bag of white pills out of his pocket. He took one out and offered it to her. It had a picture of a dove on it.

‘Not sure,’ said Jennifer truthfully.

‘Your mates can have one too,’ he said. ‘I’ve got plenty and they’re very clean.’

Jennifer shrugged, determined not to display how much her mind was racing while she worked out what to do. She’d not had ecstasy before but everyone she knew who had, like Karen, said it was amazing.

‘If Karen’s up for it I will,’ she said, leaving Aidan behind to go and get her friend who was inside on the dance floor.

Once she knew she was out of his line of vision, Jennifer stopped trying to walk sexily and started practically galloping towards her friend, gesturing to Karen to meet her halfway. ‘Aidan’s got some e’s,’ she shouted into her friend’s ear over the deafeningly loud music. ‘Shall we have one?’

‘Oh my god, so not only have you pulled the hottest person on the island, he’s got pills as well?’ she shouted back, out of breath from dancing, eyes shining. ‘You are such a bitch. Why didn’t you say earlier? Make sure he gives one to Mark too.’

Jennifer nodded and turned on her heel to find Aidan, hoping desperately he wouldn’t have disappeared or met someone more interesting during the last forty seconds.

As she made her way back, she decided that with regard to the pill, she should probably just go with the flow. Her dad had always told her that in life it was better to regret something you’d done than something you hadn’t which sounded like good advice to her, even if he probably hadn’t had class A drugs in mind when he’d said it…

One hour later and Jennifer was standing in the middle of the club, with her hands in the air, feeling happier than she ever had in her entire life. ‘Rhythm is a Dancer’ by Snap was playing, a tune which they’d heard on average at least three times a day recently but at this precise moment it sounded more amazing than it ever had before.

Jennifer scraped her hands through her hair and exhaled noisily, letting the rushes she was experiencing travel up her body. Right now there was not one place on earth she’d rather be.

Suddenly she felt Aidan’s hands on her shoulders, massaging her, kneading her. His touch was so firm and felt so good that she staggered a little bit, almost losing her balance. She turned round.

‘All right,’ he grinned, chewing gum, his eyes wide and pupils really black.

‘Yeah,’ was all Jennifer could manage to utter, but she grinned back at him and it didn’t seem to matter in the slightest that she’d lost the power of speech. She literally couldn’t care less. All that did matter was that she was with her best friends, and with Aidan, who happened to be the most beautiful man she’d ever seen in her life, listening to music that was literally transporting her to another dimension. She looked over at Karen who was dancing at a hundred miles per hour as if someone had told her all human life depended on it, Mark watching adoringly from the side, a daft grin on his face. Meanwhile, Esther and Lucy had kicked their shoes off and were having a chat on the cushions, stopping now and again only to give each other a big hug. God she loved them all.

‘Good isn’t it?’ said Aidan.

But Jennifer was too fucked now to reply. Her jaw was trembling a bit and she could feel her eyes rolling slightly in the back of her head but she wasn’t remotely bothered. Quite the opposite in fact. Instead she was relishing every minute of the warm, soupy sensations that had taken over her limbs and merely wanted to enjoy them flooding over her.

‘Hey you, you OK? Come and sit down,’ instructed Aidan.

Stumbling slightly but happy to do as she was told, Jennifer let herself be led to the cushions where her mates were sitting.

‘Jen,’ they said delightedly as if they hadn’t seen her for a week, eyes huge and shining. ‘Come here, babe. Love you.’

‘Love you too,’ she said softly before lying down on the cushions. She was overcome by a desire to writhe around on them but something told her it was probably best not to.

Maybe she’d run that thought past the girls.

‘Don’t you feel like rolling around on the cushions?’

‘What?’ said Esther, whose jaw was quivering slightly.

‘I said,’ repeated Jennifer, suddenly desperate for some water, ‘don’t you feel like rolling around on the cushions?’

Lucy nodded. ‘I do, I feel like stuffing them up my top too and pretending I’m up the duff.’

This struck Jennifer as not only funny but wise.

‘And I feel like sticking one down my pants so I’ve got a massive butt,’ added Esther.

‘And I feel like…’ Jennifer tried to join in but was defeated once again by ever increasing sensations that were flooding her system. After a long pause, she uttered ‘sticking one up my arse’. Only by then, the thread had been rather lost so it came out as a totally random statement. However, rather than feel embarrassed, she was amused by how ludicrous it all was. Besides, what anybody thought just didn’t seem to be a problem.

‘Stick what up your arse?’ enquired Aidan, looking confused.

‘Nothing,’ muttered Jennifer, the notion of trying to explain her thought process far too daunting at this stage.

‘You girls are funny,’ said Aidan, head bouncing in time to the beat, and as they bathed in his compliment, it was like they’d known him for years.

‘Where did you all meet?’

‘School,’ said Esther looking really out of it and clearly loving the next tune that had just come on: ‘Everybody’s Free’ by Rozalla.

Karen came whooping over. ‘Come on you lot. Fucking tune! Come and dance Jen, on your feet now.’

‘Too wasted,’ She managed.

‘But happy?’ checked Aidan.

‘Oh yeah,’ she said, flopping back onto the cushions.

Everybody’s free to feel good.

She waved her hands around, playing air piano.

‘Hey, you girls are great,’ said Aidan, continuing on the same theme, chewing gum frenetically.

‘We sure are,’ concurred Lucy, trying to pull her friends in for a hug, but Jennifer was too wasted. She just wanted to sit in peace, in her own space, without being manhandled.

‘Love you girls.’

‘Love you too,’ agreed Jennifer, hardly able to open her eyes, she was rushing so intensely.

‘Even Bonehead’s all right,’ said Esther, looking over to where he was busy stacking boxes.

‘I may have let Bonehead have a cheeky half, whereas this lunatic told me she definitely wasn’t coming up so she’s had a whole one,’ Aidan said, gesturing to Jennifer.

‘Have you?’ said Esther and Lucy in unison, slack-jawed.

‘Yup,’ said Jennifer, collapsing into the cushions again. ‘Oh my god this tune is amazing.’

‘Nutter,’ said Esther.

‘Can I have another one?’ asked Jennifer.

‘No you cannot,’ said Aidan, stroking her leg as her friends looked on, not knowing whether to be impressed or worried by how well Jennifer had taken to the drug. ‘I can see I’m going to have my work cut out with you, you little minx.’

And that was it. From that sentence forward, continuing in the vein of giving everything little or no real deliberation, choosing instead to be steered only by instinct and desire, as you do when you’re young, Jennifer and Aidan were an item.

PRESENT DAY

Everything was very, very quiet, apart from the dull, ominous thudding in her head. She was aware that there was stuff going on around her, commotion, chaos even, but she could only very vaguely decipher what any of it was. It all seemed so far away and she wasn’t sure she had the inclination to tune in properly anyway, for instinct told her that if she were to, that suddenly everything would really hurt. So instead she let herself drift further towards a state of mental limbo, refusing to choose the path of either resistance or acceptance. Something terrible had happened. That was a certainty. Her entire body was like a piece of lead, and somehow didn’t feel like her own.

A scream pierced the warm, dense fog she was in. It was a guttural, horrifying sound.

‘Jen,’ yelled the same voice, its tone desperate and distressed.

Karen.

It was Karen.

And then came another voice, one she didn’t recognise, telling Karen to stay back. Not to touch.

She knew she should probably be feeling more than she was. Doing something perhaps, and yet doing anything was a complete and utter impossibility. She couldn’t open her eyes and yet still managed to be dimly aware of flashing lights and at one point of someone manhandling her eyelids and asking her things. She wished they’d all go away and let the cloudy haziness which was shrouding her, envelope her completely. That would be easier.

SATURDAY

While Max went to collect the children from his parents, Jennifer raced round the house trying to get it into a vaguely fit state. Friends were coming for lunch and she was running behind. If she was honest she wasn’t feeling a huge amount of joy about the fact they were coming. Lately they’d had a lot of people over and while it was nice to socialise, Saturdays were starting to feel as structured and routined as the rest of the week. What with the cooking, cleaning and never-ending washing up and putting away. Still, in reality, if it was Karen and Pete who were coming over, she’d be looking forward to it a whole lot more. Apart from anything else, Karen wouldn’t care if the house was a tip, or if she served up a bit of old spaghetti for lunch.

Whereas with Judith and Henry Gallagher, she felt obliged to achieve that ‘I’ve thrown this magnificent feast together effortlessly, à la Nigella, wearing an unstained silk dressing gown while simultaneously raising two angelic children in a house liberally festooned with fairy lights’ look, that actually requires tons of effort, perspiration, lots of shouting at the children and some swearing. But then, when it came to Judith and Henry, ‘friends’ was probably rather a loose term and therein lay the problem.

Judith was a work colleague of Max’s who was alright…ish, only she talked about work incessantly, in a way that tended to make Jennifer feel totally excluded from proceedings. With Judith always hogging Max, Jennifer was usually left feeling obliged to entertain Henry, who frankly was hard work. A quiet, uninspiring, humourless bloke, Henry was one of those people who liked to exist under an umbrella of shyness, as if by labelling himself thus, he was excused from having to make any effort on the conversation front. As far as Jennifer was concerned though, once past the age of twenty-one, no matter how bloody ‘shy’ anyone was, she felt they should at least pepper a chat with the odd question, thus making it a two-way thing. As it was, whenever Jennifer was doing her bit by talking to Henry she felt like she was interviewing him.

To add to the already non-enticing prospect of lunch with the Gallaghers, this was the third time in two years she and Max had invited them over for a meal and they’d never returned the invitation. Max insisted it was a good idea for him to ‘keep in’ with Judith, for work reasons. But Jennifer was starting to think it was probably Judith’s turn to spend hundreds of pounds in the supermarket on feeding their faces, and that furthermore, perhaps she didn’t give a shit if they ‘kept in’ with her or not.

Having finally finished tidying downstairs, even going so far as to squirt a bit of polish on the coffee table so at least the room smelled clean, she started on the children’s bedrooms. By the time she’d got to her and Max’s room though she’d lost the will, and was suddenly overwhelmed by the prospect of still having to produce a meal for four adults, three children and a baby. So, after she’d stuffed everything that was on the floor into the laundry basket, she stopped for a second and sunk onto the bed, taking advantage of the unusual silence. For a few minutes she reflected on how easily she’d given up on her mission to seduce Max. As she did, the disappointment from the previous evening washed over her once more, and she found herself wondering idly when and indeed if she should try donning her new underwear again. After all, Max wasn’t psychic, so to be fair to him how could he have known what she’d had in mind? If she’d been really serious about having her wicked way with him she probably should have gone downstairs and shown him what she was wearing because if he’d had the visual stimulation she suspected he definitely would have gone for it. So why hadn’t she done that?