His Lordship's Desire
Lady Standish frowned. “A great deal of gambling goes on at Brooks,” she warned her son. “Several men have lost their entire fortunes at play there.”
He smiled at her. “Don’t worry, Mama. I am not stupid enough to do that.”
“I know you aren’t, Alex. But be careful, please.”
Alex knew that his grandfather had almost beggared his family with gambling and consequently Lady Standish had a deep-rooted fear of gaming of any kind.
“I’ll be careful,” he promised. “And my presence will spread the word that you ladies are in town. You want invitations, don’t you?”
Lady Standish agreed that they did, and Alex went off.
Diana was so excited to be in London that she didn’t expect to sleep well, but she went right off. When she woke the sun was shining in her window. A young maid came in with a cup of hot chocolate for her to drink while she was getting dressed.
“Thank you,” Diana said. The girl reminded her of a kitten, her brow was wide and her face tapered to a small, pointed chin. “What is your name?”
“Nancy, miss,” the young girl replied.
“It is nice to meet you, Nancy,” Diana said. “Are you one of the new hires?”
“Yes, miss. I’m just come to Lunnon from Derbyshire.”
“This must be a big change for you. I know it’s a big change for me to come from the country to the city.”
“That it is, miss,” the girl agreed.
“Well, I wish you good fortune in your new life,” Diana said.
“Thank you, miss.” The maid gave a big smile, which showed pretty white teeth.
She left and Diana got on with the business of dressing for the day.
The Standish women spent the entire day shopping. Diana had a wonderful time. She was fitted for morning dresses, driving dresses, a riding habit and evening gowns. Lady Standish ordered her a new pelisse, as the weather was still chilly in April. Sally got a similar wardrobe, and they both picked out dresses to be altered by the afternoon, so they could go driving in the park.
Diana had a moment of unease when she realized the amount of Alex’s money that Lady Standish had just spent on her, but she pushed the thought aside firmly. I am going to have fun, she told herself. I’m not going to spoil things for myself by worrying about Alex’s money. So when the time came to dress for their ride in the park, her spirits were high and her thoughts were eager.
Hyde Park was the place to be at about five o’clock in the afternoon during the Season. Most of the ton regularly turned out in their best riding and driving gear and took the path along the Serpentine to see and to be seen. Alex had volunteered to drive Diana and Sally and they both proudly wore the dresses they had purchased that morning. Diana’s was rust-colored, with a short cape and buttons all down the front. Over her coppery curls she wore a small brown hat, which tilted to one side, almost over her eye and on her feet she wore low leather boots. When her cousin knocked at her door to see if she was ready, Sally was a vision in blue, with a matching bonnet tied under her chin.
The girls complimented each other and together went downstairs to meet Alex. He was wearing a caped driving coat that made his shoulders look very wide. Diana noticed that his hair had been cut. His neck looked tanned and strong.
He glanced from his sister to Diana and said, “You ladies look beautiful.”
He was speaking to them both, but looking at her. Diana said a little self-consciously, “It must be our new clothes.”
“They are very becoming,” he said.
For the briefest of moments their eyes met and held, then Diana looked away. “Is the carriage ready?” she asked.
“Yes, it is right outside,” Alex responded and they all turned toward the front door. The park was filled with fashionable carriages and well-turned-out men and women on horseback. The horses were sleek and shiny and all of the carriages sparkled with cleanliness. Everyone was dressed in the height of elegance: the men wore immaculate buff breeches and polished riding boots with black or brown riding or driving coats; the women’s outfits were more varied: from curricle dresses and pelisses, to the kind of full-skirted riding habits that Lady Standish had ordered for Diana and Sally earlier that day.
It was an incomparably rich-looking scene, very different from the one in Berkshire that Diana was accustomed to. Certainly none of her suitors from home could match the immaculate and fashionable gentlemen who were gathered in the park today.
She glanced at Alex out of the corner of her eye. He was the handsomest man she had seen so far.
He fits in here, she thought. And so does Sally. But me? I’m not in the same class with these people.
A feeling of unease swept through her as she looked at the brilliant scene around her. Had she done the right thing in coming to London? At home everyone knew her situation and was comfortable with it. But what would all of these elegant people think if they knew that her bedroom was the size of a closet and that if it wasn’t for the generosity of her mother’s cousin they probably wouldn’t have meat on their table more than once a week.
She was a little more silent than usual as they drove along the path, letting Sally and Alex do most of the talking. A curricle pulled up next to them and saluted Alex. He stopped.
“See you are taking the ladies for a spin, eh Standish?” the fashionable gentleman driving the curricle said.
“Yes, I am,” Alex replied courteously. “Lord and Lady Sudbury, allow me to introduce my sister, Lady Sarah, and my cousin, Miss Diana Sherwood.”
“So lovely to meet you,” the lady said in nasal, aristocratic tones. “We knew your father well,” she said to Sally. “How is your dear mother doing?”
“She is well,” Sally said. “She is back at Standish House now, resting.”
The lady’s small, curious eyes turned to Diana. “I do not believe I know the Sherwoods,” she said.
Alex answered before Diana could speak, “Mrs. Sherwood is my mother’s first cousin, and the two of them are as close as sisters, as are Sally and Diana. We all grew up together at Standish Court, you know.”
“How cozy.” Lady Sudbury’s gaze raked Diana from her head to her feet. “Is this your first visit to London, Miss Sherwood?”
“Yes,” Diana replied in a composed voice.
“Diana and I are here to make our come-outs,” Sally said pleasantly. “Mama is planning to hold a big ball in a few weeks. I’m sure you will be getting invitations.”
“How lovely.” Lady Sudbury’s eyes returned to Diana. “And I suppose I shall see you girls at Almack’s?”
“I certainly hope so,” Sally said brightly.
Lord Sudbury spoke for the first time, “Let’s get going Clarissa. I don’t like to keep the horses standing for long.”
“Of course.” Lady Sudbury shared a restrained smile among the three of them. “Au revoir,” she said.
There was a little silence as they once more drove along the crowded pathway. Diana had gotten a distinct impression that her cousins had been trying to protect her, and it made her uneasy. Alex had definitely implied that she lived at Standish Court. All of her worry about not being accepted came rushing back.
“I didn’t particularly care for Lady Sudbury,” Sally, who was usually so kind to everyone, said.
“He’s something in the government, I believe,” Alex said.
“She seemed—cold, somehow.”
“This isn’t the country, Sal,” Alex said. “You and Dee are going to have to get accustomed to the fact that not everyone in London is warm and friendly, the way they are at home. People here are always jockeying for position in society. For example, perhaps Mama was not planning to invite the Sudburys to her ball. Now you have forced her into it.”
Sally protested. “She made it sound as if she and Mama and Papa were great friends.”
Alex deftly steered them past another carriage. “Perhaps they were, perhaps they weren’t,” he said.
“How do you know so much about London society?” Diana suddenly demanded.
He gave her a quick look. “I may never have been to London for the Season, but remember I went to Eton with the sons of all these people—and I served on Wellington’s staff with a number of others. I know how they tick.”
His words made Diana even more nervous. If position was what was important to these high-fashion people, then what kind of a reception was she going to get? She knew she was attractive enough, and she knew that her beauty had been responsible for all of the marriage offers she had received at home. But would beauty be enough in a society like this one?
She said as much to her mother that evening, when she went into her bedroom to say good-night.
“Perhaps this venture was a mistake, Mama,” she said. “Perhaps we should have stayed at home. What if no one asks me to dance at any of these balls? I shall be humiliated.”
“That won’t happen,” Mrs. Sherwood said definitely. “When the young men get a look at you, you will have partners. Don’t worry about that, my love.”
“Well…perhaps I will have partners, but will anyone want to marry me? I am only an army officer’s daughter. I have no money, no status…”
“Stop worrying, Diana,” her mother chided. “You are a very beautiful young woman. You will find a husband, I’m certain of it.” She kissed Diana’s cheek. “Now get some sleep. I will see you in the morning.”
Diana gave her mother a shadowy smile and went on back to her own room. She wasn’t sure she was going to like London at all.
Six
The following morning Lady Standish took Sally, Diana and Mrs. Sherwood to visit Lady Jersey, an old friend from childhood with whom she had maintained a correspondence over the years. Lady Jersey was one of the patronesses of Almack’s—the assembly rooms where young ladies went in search of husbands. Not to be admitted to Almack’s was a social blot that was almost insurmountable.
Diana was very nervous about the visit. There was no doubt that Sally would be admitted to Almack’s, but she was not so sure about herself.
Diana had grown up in a small society where she had liked everybody and everybody had liked her. She had had an intense relationship with Alex when she was very young and after he had left she had never paid very close attention to any of the other men who would have liked to marry her. She was still consumed with Alex—only this time her emotion was anger, not love.
Now she was in London, a world where for the first time she sensed the vulnerability of her social status. No one at home had minded that she and her mother had little money. They were part of the Standish family, and that was enough. She had blithely thought that things would be the same in London, but their short drive in the park yesterday had left her in doubt.
So it was with some trepidation that she followed Lady Standish and Sally into the drawing room of Lady Jersey, one of the most influential women in all of London society.
Diana was dressed correctly, in a pretty green muslin dress, with a square-cut neck and empire waistline. Sally was dressed in similar fashion, although her dress was blue. Diana knew she looked all right, she just didn’t feel that way.
Lady Jersey rose to greet Lady Standish and the two women embraced. After they had exchanged a few words, Lady Standish presented Mrs. Sherwood and the two girls.
“My word,” Lady Jersey said, “you have two beauties here, Amelia.”
Lady Standish smiled. “Thank you, Sally,” she said.
“Please, be seated,” Lady Jersey said, gesturing them all to the chairs that were gathered around the marble fireplace in a room that was decorated in the Chinese style.
It was a morning Diana never forgot. In a politely ruthless manner, Lady Jersey ascertained that Mrs. Sherwood was the widow of a mere colonel who had been killed in the Peninsula and that she had no money. She also ascertained that Lady Standish was determined to give Diana a Season along with Sally.
“The two girls are like sisters. Sally wants to have Diana as her companion,” Lady Standish said.
“Does Diana have a dowry at all?” Lady Jersey asked.
Mrs. Sherwood answered, “Unfortunately, no.”
“Hmm.” Lady Jersey frowned.
“Perhaps Alex would give some money for a dowry….” Lady Standish said tentatively.
“I don’t want anything from Alex,” Diana returned quickly. “If I cannot be accepted as myself, then I will just go home.”
Lady Jersey looked at her. “You are an extremely beautiful girl, Miss Sherwood. But I am certain that you know that.”
Diana didn’t reply.
“Please give her a voucher,” Lady Standish said. “Diana is gently if not nobly born. She certainly will not disgrace you, Sally.”
There was a pause, then Lady Jersey shrugged. “Well, why not? I cannot guarantee that you will get an offer of marriage, Miss Sherwood, but one never knows. Men have been known to make fools of themselves over a pretty face before. And being brought up at Standish Court is certainly a recommendation.”
Diana had not exactly been brought up at Standish Court, but no one corrected her.
“So you will give the Sherwoods vouchers to Almack’s, Sally?” Lady Standish asked.
“I could hardly refuse you, Amelia, now could I? We have been friends for too long. Yes, I will give the Sherwoods vouchers for Almack’s.”
Lady Standish was jubilant as they got into the coach outside Lady Jersey’s house. “You probably don’t appreciate how important this is, Diana, but it is tremendously important. Once you have been given the approval of the patronesses of Almack’s, then all of society is open to you.”
“It will be such fun, Diana,” Sally enthused.
“Yes,” Diana said. “I’m sure it will be.” But she wasn’t sure at all anymore.
The ladies stopped at Hookam’s Library to pick up some books to read before they returned to Grosvenor Square. Diana immediately went up to her room, looked around for her dog and remembered that he had been left at home. She went to the chair by the fireplace, sat down and cried.
“Oh, Freddie, how could I have left you at home? I miss you so much.” Diana’s spaniel had been the runt of the litter, and the earl had given him to her when nobody else wanted him.
But everyone had told her that he would be better in the country, that there was no place for him to run free in London, that she would be too busy to even miss him.
But she did miss him. She needed him now, needed his unconditional, adoring love. “No one will ever love me like you do, Freddie,” she sniffled into her handkerchief.
I wish we were all young again. I wish it was like it was before Alex left to go into the army. I was so happy then. Will I ever be happy like that again?
It seemed to her that she had never truly been happy since Alex had left; but now that he was back, she felt even worse, knowing that she could never be that way with him again.
I have to put Alex behind me, she thought. I have to look ahead. Surely there is some man who can make me happy, who will be able to give me the stable home that I need so badly.
A knock came upon her door. “Diana?” Sally’s voice called. “May I come in?”
“Just a moment,” Diana said, as she scrubbed at the tears on her face. She took a deep breath before she bade her friend to enter her room.
At dinner that evening, Alex said, “Would you like to take the horses for a gallop in the park tomorrow morning, Dee?”
Her whole face lit up. “I should love to.”
“What horse will you be riding?” Mrs. Sherwood asked a little nervously.
“Monty,” Diana said.
Mrs. Sherwood looked at Alex. “Has Monty ever been out of the country? You have to walk through the streets of London before you get to the park.”
“I’ll look after Dee, Cousin Louisa,” Alex said.
“How about Bart?” Diana asked. “Is he accustomed to traffic?”
“Bart’s accustomed to bullets firing all around him,” Alex returned. “I think he can handle the London streets.”
Mrs. Sherwood looked worried, but she didn’t say anything else.
It was seven in the morning when Diana, dressed in her old riding habit, went out to the stables to meet Alex. He was wearing a russet-colored riding coat and brown leather breeches—country clothes. The air was cool, with a slight wind blowing. Their two horses were standing on the cobblestones of the stable yard, all saddled and ready to go.
Diana felt as if a weight had lifted from her chest. She was going to ride again. Everything always looked better to her from the back of a horse. She actually grinned at Alex. “I hope you know how to get to the park, because I certainly don’t.”
“I drove you there the other day, remember?”
“Oh, that’s right. Well, shall we get started?”
“I’ll give you a leg up,” he said, cupping his hands so she could put her foot into his gloved brace. In a moment she was in the sidesaddle, crooking her leg around the horn and gathering the reins into her competent hands.
It was a short walk from Grosvenor Square to the Cumberland Gate entrance to Hyde Park, but London was amazingly busy for such an early hour.
Wagons piled high with fruits and vegetables lumbered through town on their way to the Covent Garden market; fishmongers carried their purchases from the wharves to their various shops; and haunches of freshly slaughtered animals bled through the bottoms of wicker baskets as they were driven by cart to the butcher shops. The large number of people who lived in London had to be fed, and this was the hour at which their food was moved.
Monty sidled a little at all the traffic and threw his head about, but Diana spoke soothingly to him. He had been on the roads at home, of course, but not very frequently. Mostly Diana had ridden him through the many wide and well-kept rides that cut through Standish Park.
As they crossed the main street to get into the park, a particularly noisy wagon came along and Monty bucked in protest.
“Are you all right?” Alex asked as Diana urged Monty forward, away from the noise.
“We’re fine,” she answered calmly. “He’s just a bit worried by these new surroundings.”
They entered into the welcome greenness of the park and when they reached the path along the lake, Diana was delighted to see that it was empty.
“Marvelous,” she said. “No one’s here.”
“How about a good gallop to wake them up?” Alex asked.
She was gone before he finished his question.
He caught her up in a moment, and the two horses thundered along, side-by-side, under the greening oaks. To Diana, it felt glorious. The feel of Monty under her was so familiar, and it was familiar, too, to look out of the side of her eye and see Alex galloping beside her. They had always ridden out early; both of them liked the fresh morning air.
When Diana felt Monty start to slow, she sat back a little and let him come down to a canter. Alex did the same. From the canter they dropped to a trot, then to a walk. They looked at each other and smiled.
“That felt grand,” Diana said.
He nodded. “It’s been a long time since we rode together, Dee.”
Some of her good mood vanished. Whose fault was that? she thought.
Alex patted the neck of his big black horse. “Damn, but I love this horse,” he said.
Diana regarded Bart. “He’s splendid,” she agreed. “I imagine a cavalryman becomes very attached to his horse.”
“They can be the difference between life and death to a man sometimes.” His black hair had tumbled forward over his forehead and his light blue eyes were serious.
He looked the same as when he left, yet he also looked different. He was bigger now; his shoulders were wider, his chest broader and there were strong muscles under the tight-fitting riding breeches that he wore. He had gone away a boy and come back a man.
She heard herself saying, “I’m nervous about being introduced into London society.”
“You shouldn’t be,” he replied. “You’re under the wing of my mother. Everything should go very smoothly for you.”
She confided her deepest fear. “We’re going to Almack’s tonight. What if no one dances with me?”
“Don’t worry about that,” he assured her. “Haven’t men wanted to dance with you all your life?”
“But that was in the country, where people knew me.”
“Believe me, I don’t think you’ll have any problem, but if you do I’ll round up some men to dance with you. Don’t worry, you won’t be left sitting with the chaperones.”
She gave him a smile. “Thank you, Alex. It’s just…I never expected to feel so out of my depth.” Tears stung behind her eyes. “And I miss Freddie. I should never have left him home.”
“I can send for him if it’s that important to you.”
Her face lit to radiance. “Can you? Would that not be too much trouble?”
“Not at all. I’ll send the curricle for him. We’ll have him here in London for you in no time.”
“It won’t be too confining for him, will it? I can walk him in the park every day.”
“He’ll be fine. The horses are more cooped up than they’re accustomed to as well. That’s why it’s good for us to get them out in the morning for a gallop.”
She nodded.
His voice deepened. “For how many years have the two of us ridden together in the morning, Dee?”
“Ever since we were children.” Her voice hardened. “Until you went away.”
They were walking side-by-side on a loose rein, the horses’ heads swinging comfortably as they went along. A slight breeze ruffled the hair on Alex’s forehead. “I had to go, Dee,” he said earnestly. “I know you don’t understand, and I know I can’t really expect you to forgive me, but it was just something in me that I couldn’t deny. I needed to go. I had wanted to be a soldier for all of my life, and then my father finally agreed…I just couldn’t pass up the chance.”
“Yes,” she said tightly. “You made your choice, Alex. I understood that very well.”
“I didn’t mean to leave you forever. I told you I would come back when the war was over. I told you I would marry you.”
She stared straight ahead, between Monty’s small, pointed ears. “You could have come back in a wooden box, like my father. What good would that have been to me?”
“I wouldn’t have been much good to you with my heart always someplace else. You knew that. That’s why you told me to go.”
She turned to look at him. “Was it as glorious as you thought it was going to be, Alex? Did you love being a soldier?”
She thought she saw a shadow pass over his face. “I wouldn’t exactly call it glorious,” he said. She could hear that he was trying to speak lightly. “It was a pretty dirty job at times. But it was a good cause, and we were successful. What happened in the Peninsula had a lot to do with Napoleon’s downfall.”
It sounded to Diana as if Alex had not been as thrilled with life as a soldier as he had expected to be. Perversely, this made her glad.
“I expect being in a battle wasn’t much fun,” she said.
“No.” His voice was clipped.
They walked in silence for a while. Then Alex turned to her. “Dee, is it really too late for us? Can’t we start over again? I know you have a right to be angry with me. But I love you. I have always loved you. I don’t want you to marry another man, I want you to marry me. Will you at least consider that?”
She returned his look, her brown eyes grave in her exquisite face. “It’s too late,” she said. “The feelings I had for you are gone.”
His mouth set in a grim line. “I don’t believe that. I can’t believe it.”
A bird flew close to Monty’s head and he sidled a little. “It’s true,” she lied. “Something in me died when you left, Alex. For a long time I was very angry with you, but now that you’re back even my anger is gone. We’re finished. That’s all there is to it. I’m sorry.”
He said, “Get off that horse and kiss me, Dee, and then tell me you have no feelings left for me.”
She raised her chin and stared ahead. “I have no intention of kissing you! You lost your rights to my kisses a long time ago.” She fought to compose herself. “We might start to trot. The horses have caught their breath.”