Courting Her Secret Heart

Deborah decided that with Naomi always wanting the most attention, Deborah would never get her fair share, so she’d decided to take advantage of being the invisible one. She let Naomi suck up all the attention she could get from the family. Sarah, being the baby and having Down syndrome, naturally got a goodly amount of attention, as well. Joanna and Miriam both took everything in stride and seemed to almost be invisible as well, but they seemed to love it, as though it was their crowning glory to be overlooked. Always quietly in the background.

Well, that wasn’t gut enough for Deborah. Wasn’t she as important as any of the others? Wasn’t she just as much in need of being noticed? Wasn’t she as worthy as any of the others?

So, she took advantage of her invisibility and realized that her family never really noticed when she wasn’t there. If it had been her missing that day instead of Naomi, when would her family have noticed? Certainly not as soon as they had for Naomi. It might not have been until the family was ready to leave for home in the late afternoon, instead of before the service even ended. Maybe not even until nightfall when she wasn’t in her bed. Maybe never. But Hudson had noticed her.

She had experimented with being gone from the family for longer and longer periods of time, until she could be gone all day without hardly a notice. She would claim to go for a walk and be gone for hours. When she returned home, she would be told to get her head out of the clouds and keep track of time. Didn’t she know they worried about her?

Worried? But they never came looking for her. When she told them that, they said she’d always been a wanderer and she always came home and she could take care of herself.

She had to admit that she had been self-sufficient from an early age. Everyone attributed it to when her mutter was so sick while carrying Joanna, that even at two, she somehow knew something had been wrong with Mutter, and it was best if she didn’t cause a fuss. She’d learned to be quiet from all the shushing from adults and her three older sisters at ages four and three. They all knew to be quiet and not cause any more trouble for the family.

So, Deborah wandered farther and farther from home. Until she ended up at the edge of a photo shoot over a year ago.

Though she tried to stay hidden, the photographer, Hudson, had seen her and said she’d be perfect for the shot. A contrast between two worlds: the outside—Englisher—one and the Amish one. She hadn’t wanted to do it. She knew she shouldn’t. Hudson told her that there would be no harm in it. That none of her Amish people would ever know.

She’d been thrilled at the idea of being special, being different. At being noticed. At no longer being invisible.

Hudson praised her and told her that she was a natural and followed direction better than most of his models. He’d paid her money for taking the pictures. He’d asked her to come to another shoot the following week. She said she couldn’t, but then she found she couldn’t resist and went. Soon, she participated in weekly shoots with him. After nearly two months, he asked her to change into Englisher clothes. She couldn’t do that, could she? But she did. And she had enjoyed it. Like being a different person with each new outfit. She wasn’t hurting anyone and was earning money for her future.

The clothes were always modest, but sometimes they put makeup on her. At first, she looked strange and felt out of place, but soon got used to her different appearance. None of her Amish community would recognize her when she was dressed and made-up for a shoot. She felt free and no longer invisible. She felt important. She felt like somebody.

But now, her absence had been noticed. Amos paid more attention than the others. Part of her liked that someone in her Amish community finally noticed, but he could become a problem if he truly did keep her from leaving for her job. It was her job. An unusual job for an Amish person, true. For her, it was a dangerous job. How ridiculous. She didn’t hurt anyone. No one would hurt her. But still, it was a secret. She certainly couldn’t tell Amos where she went. But how many times could she claim to go for a walk and have him still believe her? Or worse yet, ask to go with her?

If she had been going for a simple walk, she would welcome his company and attention. She smiled at the thought.

She sighed. That could never happen. She needed to figure something out before her next photo shoot.

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