Seed
When she has placed the vases on the table, Heather comes to me. ‘Nature has made you a woman,’ she says warmly. She kisses her palm and holds it on my stomach. When she hugs me, her curls fall over my face.
‘I’m so happy,’ I say, as she pulls me back to look at her. I am sure that I see the memory of the circle of earth in her eyes. Maybe it is a good place.
‘I am very proud of you,’ she says, and my smile is in every part of me.
Our arms empty, Jack and I head back towards the house. ‘What shall we do today?’ he asks, running a hand over his cropped-short hair.
I don’t answer him, because I have seen Kate standing by the kitchen door. I know she is looking at my skirt. I smile at her as she comes up to me.
‘You made it, then,’ she says. Is she talking about the hole in the ground? We are forbidden to mention it. ‘Now we are the same again.’
I feel her warmth as she hugs me. I imagine her stomach bleeding the way that mine is and how I never knew. But when she lets me go, there’s something different in her eyes.
‘I’ll be able to grow my hair,’ I say with a smile. ‘We’ll look like sisters again.’ I reach up to touch her hair. We are an identical colour of blonde, but my hair is so straight and Kate’s ripples slightly, like water.
Elizabeth stands by the cooker in the kitchen, stirring the wooden spoon through the enormous vat of porridge, humming quietly to herself. I watch the sun fall through the window onto her. It catches her red lips and almond-shaped eyes, and I know she’s the most beautiful being in the world. As I always do, I make a silent wish that she is my true mother.
I know that it is wrong to wonder. I know that we are gifts from the earth and we belong to all of the Kindred women. But I want to truly belong to her.
I push the thought away. Today there is space for nothing but happiness.
‘Right, girls. Carry this outside and I’ll go and tell Papa S that we’re ready to eat.’
Some of our family are already sitting at the table when we go out again. The porridge vat is heavy and pinches at my fingers, even through the cloth that I’ve wound around the handle. Kindred John gets up to help as we set it down with a muffled clunk on the end of the sturdy wooden table.
‘Thank you, girls,’ he says, gently laying his hand on Kate’s head. He is so tall, much taller than Kindred Smith, and his hand is so strong that he somehow makes Kate look like a child again. She winces slightly and moves quickly away. I don’t know what’s wrong, but she won’t catch my eye.
We sit down just as Papa S comes out of his door, and that wonderful hush swoops over us. He makes his way slowly to the head of the table. Today it’s Rachel at his side. Her eyes are smiling at him as she holds a flower to her lips, her other hand linked with his fingers. It seems like she has been his Companion for a long time.
Papa S is barely taller than her, yet his goodness stretches into the air. He wears his long hair loose today, flowing like white sun over his shoulders. The feeling of love and awe I have for him swells within me. I gaze at the intensity of his eyes, the deep lines on his face that celebrate his years.
I touch the material of my skirt and smile, hoping that Papa S knows. Hoping that he has seen. Maybe soon it will be me who holds a flower to my lips, and everyone will watch me and know that I am his Companion. The thought of walking with him spills sunshine onto my heart.
We all stand as he reaches his seat. As one, we kiss our palms and reach them out to the sky. Papa S sweeps a hand over all of us and we sit.
‘Begin your thanks,’ he says, his strong voice reaching out. So I lift my head and join the low murmuring around me. The air is warm. The long grass is silent around us. This is happiness.
I try to concentrate on my thanks, but my mind keeps drifting to Elizabeth’s swollen belly. I imagine the child, curled like a nut, growing day by day. Waiting and growing and blinking into the inky, wet darkness. I will look at its face when it’s born and see if it is like me. I’ll look for signs to see if it is my true blood sister or brother. Yet I won’t be able to treat it differently.
‘Begin to eat,’ I hear Papa S say softly, and so we all lower our heads and start to pass our bowls towards the vat of cooling porridge.
It’s not my favourite food of the day. Elizabeth’s magic has long gone by the time the bowls are put in front of us. There’s always a rubbery skin on the top and the spoon has to pop through to reach the slightly sludgy porridge below.
‘It’s delicious, Elizabeth,’ Jack says and I know he means it. He has a warmth you can almost touch. I eat mine quickly, looking forward to the fresh bread and melting jam.
When we have finished eating, we clear the plates and bowls quickly. There haven’t been so many warm days this summer, and as the Kindreds rest at the table, we want to make the most of our free time.
‘Thank you, Pearl,’ Rachel says, as she passes me her bowl. Papa S smiles at me, and my arms tingle with pride. But he doesn’t say anything and there’s no flicker of recognition in his eyes. I wish I had the courage to ask him. Have you seen? Have you seen that I am a woman? But I gather their spoons and walk back to the house without saying a word.
Even though it’s only mid-morning, the kitchen is becoming uncomfortably warm. Jack has hooked the door open, and the windows looking over the meadow are as wide as they can go, but there’s no breeze.
‘Hurry up, you lazy bunch,’ Jack says, tickling Ruby and Bobby until their legs give way and they collapse on the stone floor.
‘You’re not exactly helping,’ Kate says, flicking bubbles from the bowl at Jack. He laughs as he wipes them from the braces holding up his trousers.
‘That’s enough,’ says a voice from the doorway. Heather doesn’t normally sound annoyed. Earlier she had been so warm towards me, but now her eyes are dark and her mouth is tight. ‘Papa S would like some more milk,’ she says to no one in particular.
‘I’ll get it,’ Ruby squeals, dropping her tea towel on the side and running towards the fridge.
‘No, it’s OK,’ Heather says, reaching for a glass from a cupboard above the sideboard. Ruby’s face sinks into disappointment, but Heather doesn’t even seem to notice. She takes the jug from Ruby’s hand and pours milk into the glass. We all watch her as she puts the jug back, closes the fridge door and walks back towards the meadow.
‘What’s up with her?’ I ask.
‘She’s jealous of Rachel, I reckon,’ Kate says. ‘I bet she was hoping Papa S would choose a new Companion.’
A new Companion. Will it be me?
‘She can’t be jealous,’ Ruby says, her little face shocked. ‘It’s not allowed.’
‘You can’t stop your feelings, though, can you?’ says Kate. She looks at Jack, so quickly that if I’d blinked I wouldn’t have seen it. But I know I didn’t imagine it, because in that instant, Jack’s cheeks flush red and he looks down at his feet.
A strange feeling suddenly creeps from my throat, down to my tummy. I don’t know why it’s there, and I don’t know what it is, but then it’s gone.
They do not know that I am here, locked away forever at the top of the house. That I watch them. That one of them is mine.
They do not know my memory of growing my baby in me. And when it was time, the thunder in my stomach cracking me open. The stinging turning to burning and tearing and the final release of a head. I pushed the flesh and bones from me. My child.
I hadn’t expected the slippery, snake-like cord that held my baby to me. My baby’s screams as that cord was cut through.
‘Are you hurting it?’ I remember asking. I didn’t know whether I had birthed a boy or a girl.
‘The baby is fine.’ The Kindred had smiled as he pressed a cold flannel to my forehead. He wasn’t doing it to help me. It was to keep me down.
‘Can I hold my baby?’ I asked. But then the cramps took over my body again. My mother stood between my legs and she pulled that severed cord.
‘What’s happening?’ I screamed.
The Kindred only smiled again. ‘Trust us,’ he said. ‘Trust us.’
CHAPTER FOUR
He won’t cry. Even though the drops of blood squeeze through the crack in his skin, I know he won’t cry. So Bobby just screws up his face and keeps his eyes shut tight as I check his foot for any more thorns.
‘They’ll give us blackberries in the autumn,’ I say, gently touching the brambles with my fingertips. ‘So we can forgive them for this scratch.’
Bobby’s face stays scrunched as he watches me pick a bracken leaf. I press it onto his cut. He tries to move his ankle away, but I hold it tight, waiting for the leaf to work.
When it’s done, I stand up and brush the dry mud from my skirt. ‘Come on, let’s get back before it rains.’
Bobby leans his head into me. ‘Thank you, Pearl,’ he says. And as we stand like this, I want to tell him: I think you’re my true brother. Because I knew, those five years ago, as soon as Elizabeth and Rachel reappeared with their empty bellies and the Kindreds carrying two mewling babies. I knew the moment I saw Bobby that he was mine.
But I say nothing. Instead, I take his hand in mine and we pick our way carefully back through the forest, back towards Seed.
The rain comes soon, when we are busy helping Elizabeth in the kitchen. It’s the first time it’s rained in the three days since I’ve been a woman. Kate walks in and she dips her finger into the soft cheese as I squeeze it in the muslin cloth. I laugh as I try to snap it shut, but she pulls her hand away.
‘Hey, dreamer,’ she says to me. ‘You’d gone to worship before I’d even opened my eyes.’
‘I went out early with Bobby.’
‘We found a robin,’ Bobby says. ‘It spoke to me.’
‘We managed ten rejoices before it flew away,’ I say.
‘I ended up going out on my own,’ Kate says, that wicked smile tipping at her lips. ‘I chose mud.’
I don’t understand why she’s saying such things these days. I want to ask her, but something is holding me back.
‘There’s beauty in everything,’ Elizabeth says, just as Ruby rushes in and the rain outside beats louder. We put down the cloth and go to the open door to watch it.
‘I like the way it bounces on the ground,’ Ruby says.
‘We’ll have to go out in it later. We’ve carrots to pick,’ Elizabeth says. She stands next to us, one hand on Bobby’s shoulder, the other pressing gently onto the glass.
I look at Elizabeth’s fingers and put mine next to hers on the glass. I’m sure our hands look the same. We both have slender fingers and small wrists.
She looks at me and smiles. ‘They’re just hands,’ she says, and I wonder how she knows my mind.
‘Come on, let’s go out in it now,’ Kate says. ‘It’ll be fun.’
‘Not you, Kate,’ a voice says from behind us.
Kindred John has walked into the room, his footsteps disguised by the heavy thumping of the rain. Ruby runs up and jumps into his arms. He throws her high into the air and catches her again. When she is back safely in his arms, she rolls the ends of his beard into her hands.
‘You have lines in your hair,’ she says to him.
Kindred John laughs. ‘Nature is beginning to paint my beard grey,’ he says.
I am so used to the blackness of his hair, I cannot imagine it changing. I don’t think I want it to.
Kindred John throws Ruby in the air again.
‘She’s too big for that,’ Elizabeth says.
‘Five years old isn’t too big for throwing in the air,’ Kindred John says, and Ruby laughs as he swings her up.
‘You’ll hurt your back,’ Elizabeth tells him, and he puts Ruby down.
‘Heather needs some more flour,’ Kindred John says. ‘I need Kate to help with the wheel.’
There’s a strange look on Kate’s face. ‘I’m helping Elizabeth,’ she says.
‘I have asked you to come with me,’ Kindred John says.
Then he leaves the room and as she follows him, I’m shocked to see her pull a face behind his back.
I glance at Elizabeth, but I don’t know if she’s seen. If she did, I wonder what punishment Kate will get.
‘Nana Willow needs her tincture,’ Elizabeth says to me. ‘Will you take it to her? She’s not good today.’
‘Of course,’ I say, but there’s a pebble of dread sitting in my stomach. I can’t tell anyone, but Nana Willow frightens me. She has stayed in her room for so many years that her mind has become as withered as her skin.
Her bedroom is downstairs. Out of the kitchen, across the hall and down the tiled corridor. I can’t help but glance at the door of the Forgiveness Room as I walk past. I have only walked through there once, and I never want to do it again. Another short corridor and I’m outside Nana Willow’s room.
I don’t knock. I know she can’t hear. Slowly I push open the heavy wooden door and her smell rushes up to me. I try not to mind it. I tell myself it is as natural as the flowers in the field. But it smells of decay.
I force myself to step inside. I force myself to smile, even though from here I can see Nana Willow’s eyes are shut tight. Her chest sounds like a creaking bough as she sleeps.
My feet don’t make a sound as I walk towards her. There’s a small table next to her bed and I put the glass of fresh juice with tincture drops onto it.
‘Nana Willow,’ I whisper. She doesn’t stir. ‘Nana Willow.’ I lean towards her and her eyes snap open and are staring into mine.
‘Sylvie, you came,’ she says, her voice like steam escaping through the crack in her mouth.
‘It’s me, Nana Willow. It’s Pearl.’ But she doesn’t see me. Her fingers reach out and stick onto mine. I want to run from here, but I know I can’t.
‘I knew you’d come back to me,’ she says. She tries to reach up. To stroke my face. I don’t mean to, but I pull away.
‘Nana Willow, I am Pearl.’ My hands are shaking slightly as I reach for the glass. ‘You must drink this.’ I should sit her up, but I’m scared of feeling her bones through her nightdress. Instead, I tip her head up slightly. She looks confused as I bring the glass to her lips, and I try to go slowly as she swallows, but some of the precious juice dribbles out from her mouth and drips down her wrinkled neck. And all the time, she looks at me with her cloudy eyes.
When the glass is empty, I reach for a brown cloth folded neatly on the table. I dab gently at the spilled juice on her skin. Nana Willow is staring at me when something changes in her. It’s like she suddenly sees who I really am. A moan leaves her and now I’m wiping away her tears.
I wait until her crying stops.
‘It’s OK, Nana Willow.’ I dare to reach out and stroke her hair back from her face. She is like a child, I tell myself. Just like a child.
Her eyes are closed now, so I turn from her. As I go to the door, I hear her move behind me.
I glance back and she’s sitting up. I can see that she is about to call me over again.
I run from the room and don’t even close the door behind me.
CHAPTER FIVE
Elizabeth has explained that I might not get another Blessing for a while, but gradually my body will adapt and then I will have them every few weeks. It’s a relief not to have the coarse slab in my underwear. Now I can swim again.
We see a glimpse of our lake through the trees. It’s beautiful today. The sun makes the water glisten and as we get closer and push past the leaves, we can see it all. It’s an almost perfect circle. The trees are stepped back slightly from the water, leaving the grass to run down to its edge. It’s shallow at first, but out in the middle you could never touch the bottom. Today it’s blue, shining off the sky. And as the heat tickles my shoulders, I know I want to jump in.
‘Race you!’ Jack shouts, pushing Kate and me aside, taking his shirt off as he runs. So we follow him, jolting the birds from the trees with our laughter.
‘Get him!’ Kate calls to me, as I throw down my bag and pull my shirt over my head. She catches up with him as he struggles with his trousers, jumping on him until they both crash to the ground. My new skirt is easy to take off and I pass them both, my bare feet feeling the dry grass changing to damp.
In my underwear, I can feel the heat of the sun on my back as I run, splashing, into the lake. The freezing water whips at my ankles, stings my knees. I stop and gasp, just as Jack skims through the air and dives into the water. When he surfaces, he’s a little way out.
‘Come on, Pearl,’ he shouts. ‘It’s easier if you’re quick.’ He ducks his head under again, curls his body, and kicks until he disappears.
‘Last one to the middle washes Kindred Smith’s underwear,’ Kate says from beside me. Then she’s gone, into the water.
So I go too. I breathe, tuck my head in and dive into the icy water. The shock hits my face, but it’s so amazing down here – with the water above and around me, the world dissolves into a low humming. It’s only me and the cold.
My head moves through the surface and so I breathe again, swimming until I reach Jack in the middle, where there’s no way we can stand.
‘It’s so clear today,’ he says. His shoulders break through the top of the water and his hands mirror mine as we turn them in circles to keep afloat.
‘It’s good that it’s sunny on our free day, isn’t it?’ Then I tip my body and lie flat on my back, my arms moving slowly. The sky above us is extraordinary, with not a cloud in sight.
I could lie like this and be happy forever.
There’s a shouting that murmurs at me through the water. Reluctantly, I lift my head and see that Bobby is now in the lake, his skinny arms reaching above his head, his hands clutching Ruby’s sandals.
‘Give them back,’ Ruby shouts.
‘I’ll go and help her,’ Jack says, before he starts swimming towards Bobby. His feet kick water over Kate’s face. She wipes her eyes, treading water all the time. We watch Jack’s strong strokes breaking through the lake until he gets to the shallow edge.
‘Enough,’ we hear him say, and he takes the sandals from Bobby’s hands. Kate and I swim over lazily to join him.
‘I’ll throw her sandals in myself if she doesn’t stop whingeing,’ Kate says, as the water gets shallow enough for our feet to touch the bottom. It’s sludgy between my toes. The mud oozes up like cold clay and I don’t like the feel of it, although I know I should. I imagine the bones of a dead man, buried just underneath my feet. I move quickly, as I want to remember only the touch of the water.
We get out, and Kate and I lie side by side on the grass. Jack sits next to us, facing away, looking to the lake. Drops of water sparkle on his skin. I’m surprised how strong his shoulders look. Time is changing him as well, but sometimes I wish we could slow it all down. If I could, I might ask Nature to halt the ticking of her clock, just for a bit.
‘Heather says I’m not allowed to go selling at the market for a while,’ Kate says, turning onto her elbow to look at me.
‘Why?’
‘Because she’s been looking at the Outside boys,’ Jack says, glancing over his shoulder and smiling.
‘Have you?’ I ask. ‘It’s dangerous, Kate.’
‘I haven’t.’ She sits up, squeezes drops of water from her hair and flicks it towards Jack.
‘Why else would they stop you going?’ he asks.
Kate leans back onto both of her elbows with a sigh. She tips her head back until her hair touches the ground. She’s been growing it for a year, since she officially became a woman. Jack looks away from her.
‘Kindred John says I’m not allowed to speak to them. So I asked him how I’m meant to sell the Outsiders our home-grown beans if I can’t talk to them. He wasn’t having any of it and now he’s stopped me going.’ She slumps down and swings an arm over her eyes. ‘Pig’s breath,’ she says quietly into her skin.
Jack and I don’t move. I’ve never heard Kate speak like that before, and about a Kindred. I don’t even dare look at her. I’m suddenly terrified that Papa S will come creeping out of a tree and strike us down. He’s everywhere. He sees and hears everything. Will she be punished for this?
‘Don’t speak like that again, Kate,’ Jack says quietly, without turning round. She doesn’t reply. She must know that, even for her, she’s gone too far.
We share our lunch with the children. Chunks of bread with slabs of cheese. A mouthful each of potato salad, leftover from yesterday’s supper. I bite my teeth through the skin of a small tomato and it pops and bleeds its pips onto my tongue.
‘Your shoulders are burning, Jack,’ Kate says. She goes to her bag as I wrap the leftover cheese in paper.
‘I’ll be OK,’ he says, touching his hot skin with his palms.
‘Papa S won’t like it if the sun scolds you,’ she says. ‘It won’t take me long.’ She kneels behind him, opens the bottle and pours some suncream onto her hands. I see Jack tense as she rubs the cream into his skin. He holds his head still, doesn’t move.
And that strange feeling is back, somewhere in me. Nerves in my belly, a sickness in my throat.
Then Jack stands up quickly. ‘That’ll be enough,’ he says and, without turning towards us, he runs and dives into the water and swims hard over to the other side.
When I look over at Kate, she’s got a smile on her face. She’s still kneeling, the bottle of suncream next to her, the imprint of Jack’s body in the grass between her knees.
‘Is he OK?’ I ask.
She laughs slightly and looks at me and I’m sure she shakes her head. I want to ask why, but a thread of distance winds quietly between us.
‘He’s fine,’ she says, before she turns onto her belly in the grass.
I lie on my back, feeling the heat of the day on every part of my body. Behind my closed lids, I see the red of the sun. I can hear Ruby and Bobby splashing and laughing. Somewhere in it all must be the sound of Jack.
I don’t think there’s ever been a more beautiful day.
You were torn from me. Your little beating heart taken from me. The soft touch of your newborn flesh disappeared.
I tried. I promise I tried.
‘I want to keep my baby!’ I screamed at them.
‘The baby belongs to Mother Nature. The baby belongs to all of us.’
No. My baby belongs to me.
I screamed and bit and scratched at them, but they turned to stone.
And they hid me away. Cut me from you.
But I am your mother. I am your mother.
I reach up and touch the cold window.
‘You are mine,’ I whisper through the glass.
CHAPTER SIX
It feels so different walking up to Dawn Rocks in a skirt rather than trousers. The sun hasn’t yet risen and the air is cold around my legs. Jack is in front of me. His shoulders look broad and I can see the muscles in his arms, even through his shirt. He must sense me looking, as he turns around and smiles. He sees Ruby, still so sleepy, walking by my side, and he stops to pick her up. She buries her nose into his neck and he carries on walking.
It always amazes me how silent we are. How almost everyone from Seed can walk through the forest and up the craggy path to the hilltop rocks, yet there’s hardly a murmur between us. Papa S is at the front, leading the way through the lifting darkness. Looking back, I can just see Elizabeth and I can tell that she’s uncomfortable. The baby in her belly must almost be full-size and it makes her steps heavy and slow. Her blonde hair is tied back from her face, but it still shines in the darkness. She leans on the staff that Kindred Smith made for Nana Willow.