Seed

So I don’t say another word and then we’re pushing through the big, rusting doors, into the banging and clattering of the work barn.

‘Impressive,’ Ellis says as he looks around him, and I warm to him once more.

Instantly, I see Jack. He’s looking at a green car’s engine with Kindred John, pointing something out to him. The bonnet of the car is hooked open above their heads.

‘Come on,’ I say to Ellis and he follows me, past the chaos and tables of oily springs and machine parts.

‘Hi, Jack,’ I have to say as he hasn’t even noticed us. His eyes are so focused on the ticking metal in front of him. He looks up and sees Ellis, and for a second he seems confused. ‘This is Ellis. The boy who’s come to live here.’

‘Oh, hello.’ Jack reaches out to shake Ellis’s hand, but must realise that his skin is dirty from the work and so he just shrugs lightly and smiles. ‘I’m glad you’re here.’ If he is unsure about this boy from the Outside, he doesn’t show it.

‘And this is Kindred John,’ I say.

Kindred John wipes his hands on an old cloth slung over his shoulder. ‘Welcome,’ he says, as he shakes hands with Ellis. ‘Do you want to join us?’

‘I’m showing him around,’ I say too quickly.

‘Yeah, I think I’ll put off working as long as possible.’ Ellis laughs. But none of us do. We know that laziness disintegrates the soul.

Who are these people who Kindred Smith has brought into our home? And why do I not want to walk away? I can feel the air of Outside trickling off Ellis and yet I stay, standing by him.

‘We won’t be long,’ I say to Kindred John, but he’s already turned back to the engine.

‘See you later,’ Jack says, and something passes between them that tells me they will be friends.

It’s quieter when we leave the barn. The whirr and knocking of the machines is behind us as we start to walk through the meadow. I glance at Ellis’s T-shirt, at his clothes from the Outside. They look so wrong. And they confuse me because somehow I want to touch them. They make me have questions I cannot ask.

‘It’s nice here,’ Ellis says.

The long grass brushes against my legs and I’m so proud to show him our home. ‘It’s the most beautiful place in the world,’ I say.

‘Have you travelled?’

‘No,’ I say. ‘I just know it is.’ He’s unsettled me again and I don’t know why.

‘Well, I’ve lived in enough places,’ Ellis says. ‘And here is definitely one of the most beautiful.’ He smiles at me and then looks up at the huge arc of sky above us. ‘It’s certainly better than where we’ve just come from.’

‘You’re lucky. Papa S rarely lets people from the Outside into Seed.’

‘Mum was desperate to come here after she bumped into that Smith guy, but he didn’t think we’d be allowed. It took him a while to persuade your leader.’ Ellis laughs lightly. ‘I think because my mum and Smith knew each other when they were young, you know, it kind of convinced him.’

The thought of Kindred Smith actually living on the Outside feels so wrong. I try to imagine him as a boy, but my mind won’t let me.

‘When she met him again, it was the first time I’d seen her happy in years.’ Ellis drifts his hand through the top of the long grass.

Kate is calling to us. We stop as she walks across the meadow. She doesn’t run.

‘You went without me,’ she says when she reaches us, but she’s smiling.

‘I didn’t know where you’d got to,’ I say.

‘Where are we going?’ she asks.

‘The lake?’ I suggest.

‘It’ll be perfect today.’

‘Lead the way then,’ Ellis says. So we do.

We walk through the strawberry field, rather than around it, carefully stepping in a line over the rows of squat plants. The straw is scratchy on my feet and I tread carefully, not wanting rotten strawberries to squelch between my toes.

Kate stops and touches Ellis’s elbow. ‘Here,’ she says, bending down and reaching under the soft leaves. She passes him a perfectly ripe strawberry. ‘Try this. I bet you’ve never tasted one like it.’

Ellis puts it whole into his mouth and we watch as his jaw moves. He’s smiling as he eats. He swallows and wipes the juice from his lips. ‘I think you might be right,’ he says.

We keep walking and take him through the vegetable garden. Elizabeth is picking some runner beans.

‘Elizabeth,’ I say, rushing over to her. ‘This is Ellis. He’s come to live with us.’ I’m speaking too quickly, dizzy in the sunny air.

She smiles at me, then kisses her palm and reaches out to touch Ellis’s chest. ‘You are very welcome,’ she says.

‘Thank you,’ Ellis replies. I wonder if he thinks she looks like me. Maybe I’ll ask him later.

‘We’re going to show him the lake,’ Kate says, picking a green bean and crunching it raw into her mouth.

‘Hey,’ Elizabeth laughs, gently slapping her hand away. ‘These are for evening meal. In fact, when you’ve shown Ellis the lake, you’d better come back and help me. The gooseberries need picking and sieving.’

‘It’s Pearl’s turn for that,’ Kate says. ‘I definitely did them the last time.’

It’s one of the tasks none of us likes. The gooseberry thorns are sharp and long. Then there’s the pushing them through the sieve to get rid of the skins. I try not to think badly of it, but it always seems a lot of work for very little to eat.

‘I could help you, Pearl,’ Ellis says. I hadn’t been expecting it and I feel my cheeks redden. ‘You’d have to teach me how to do it, though.’

‘You’ll be needed in the work barn,’ Kate says.

‘Talking here won’t get anything done,’ Elizabeth interrupts. She rubs the base of her back.

‘Come on,’ says Kate, and she pulls lightly on Ellis’s arm. I think I should stay and help Elizabeth, but there’s something about Ellis that makes me want to be close to him. Something I don’t understand. So the three of us walk out from the vegetable garden, over the field and into the shade of the trees that hide our lake.

We walk without speaking. There’s just the sound of dry leaves under our feet. When we get to the lake, I watch Ellis’s eyes and I know that he’s impressed. How could he not be? Surely there’s nowhere on the Outside like this. The water is still as ice, patterned with striking sky blue and deepest greens. Patches of bugs hover and swoop and fly.

Ellis nods his head slowly as he looks around him. Kate and I are watching him as he bends down and picks a thick, flat piece of grass. He puts his thumbs hard on either side of it and brings it to his lips. A high, raspy call fills the air and shoots through the forest.

I stare at him. Did I just hear Mother Nature?

‘How did you do that?’ Kate asks. She seems uncertain of him, suddenly.

‘You’ve never seen anyone blow grass before?’ He’s chuckling at us. And I realise now that it’s a trick. Mother Nature wasn’t working with him after all. And why would she? This strange boy with long hair has an edge that makes me mistrust him.

‘No,’ I say strongly. I bet there’s plenty at Seed he’s never seen before. Things much more magical than making grass sing.

Ellis’s expression changes slightly. ‘Have you lived here all your lives?’ he asks. I don’t think he’s mocking us now. He seems curious. The change in him confuses me.

‘Of course,’ I say.

‘Yes,’ says Kate, more quietly.

‘So you were born here?’

‘Yes.’

‘So, whose mum is whose?’

It’s only a few words, but they make my thoughts stumble. So it’s Kate who speaks. ‘Papa S says that Nature is our Mother.’

‘What, you grew out of the ground?’ Ellis laughs, but when he looks at me, his expression changes. ‘Do you not know who your real mum is?’

A knot of anger is building in me. ‘We don’t need to know,’ I say. But I know that’s not true. Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to know. It’s forbidden, but it pulls me, and almost every time I’m with Elizabeth, I long to really be hers.

‘Teach me how you do that,’ Kate interrupts, pointing to the grass in Ellis’s hand. He looks at me briefly. I think he’s worried that he’s upset me, so I hold my head high and smile at him.

‘Here.’ Ellis bends down and picks two more pieces of grass. His hand touches mine as he passes one to me. ‘Put your thumbs like this. Hold them down hard. Leave a little gap, though.’ He reaches over and separates Kate’s thumbs slightly. She doesn’t say a word. ‘Then bring them up to your mouth and blow gently.’

We do as he says. All I can hear is my breath, but straight away from Kate there is a high-pitched sound – faint, but definitely there.

‘I did it,’ she says, laughing.

‘Do it again,’ Ellis says, so she does. And this time it’s louder, a confident call to the birds. She doesn’t stop. Her head is tipped up to the treetops, her thumbs and lips making music.

‘You try again, Pearl.’ Ellis isn’t looking at Kate. He’s watching me. ‘It’s easy.’

So I do. I press my thumbs hard onto the flat strip of grass, and watch as the skin around my nails turns blotchy white and red. I want to be able to do it. I want to show Ellis that I can make the grass sing too.

‘Like this,’ he says, and I copy him as he puts his grass to his mouth. I blow gently against my skin, and the sound makes me jump. So sudden, so definite. A higher sound, it stretches up from my piece of grass and snakes off through the trees.

We stand like this, calling to Nature, trying to change the sounds we make. Our own, strange tune.

Eventually Kate throws her piece of grass down. She takes off her sandals, walks to the bank of the lake and sits to dangle her feet in the cool water.

‘Come and sit down, Ellis,’ she says. ‘I want to know about you.’ He seems a bit surprised, but he walks over to her and takes off his shoes and socks. I put my piece of grass in my pocket and follow them.

The water sends a bolt of cold through my feet.

‘It’s freezing!’ Ellis says, dipping his toes in and out.

‘You’ll get used to it,’ Kate laughs.

‘Wait until you swim in it,’ I say.

‘I don’t think I’ll ever do that.’

‘You will.’ I smile at him. But he’s staring at his feet in the water, keeping them down. It’s strange that it feels so right that he’s here.

‘So, where do you come from?’ Kate asks him. She pulls her hair back and drapes it over her shoulder, tips her head slightly to shield her eyes from the sun.

Ellis keeps looking at the water. ‘Near Southampton, most recently,’ he says.

‘Where’s that?’ It’s only a small question, but when he glances at me, his eyes have changed again.

‘You don’t know where Southampton is?’ He’s not laughing at me. It’s something more than that.

‘No,’ I reply, looking at Kate.

‘How are we meant to know if we’ve never left here?’ Her voice is strong as she glares at him.

‘What do you mean, you’ve never left here?’

‘What don’t you understand?’ She pulls her feet out from the water and starts to dry them with her hands.

‘We go to the market,’ I say. I don’t like the way he’s looking at us, a sort of mixture of disbelief and pity. ‘We don’t need anything else.’

‘How do you know what you need if you’ve never seen it?’ He’s taken his feet from the water too. He’s trying to pull his socks back on, but they’re sticking to his skin.

‘If it’s so great out there, how come you’re here?’ Kate’s leaning towards him, making him look straight into her eyes.

‘Fair point,’ he says and shrugs his shoulders. ‘I guess at least I don’t have to go to school.’

‘What’s school?’ Kate asks.

Ellis has got that look again. ‘Have you seriously never been to school?’ he asks.

Kate and I don’t answer him. He knows what we’d reply.

‘It’s a place you have to go to learn things.’

‘Then school is here,’ I tell him. ‘We learn everything we need.’

‘I don’t know whether to feel jealous or sorry for you,’ Ellis says. I can tell by his eyes that he’s not being cruel.

‘I know I’m happy for you that you’ve come to Seed,’ I say, summoning a smile for him.

We’re silent again. We watch Ellis tying the laces on his shoes.

‘So why are you here, then?’ I finally ask.

‘I told you. That Smith guy makes my mum happy.’

‘What do you mean?’ Kate asks.

Ellis clears his throat. ‘She says it all makes sense, now she’s met him again. That this is what will make her better.’

‘Better from what?’

‘She’s been in a bad way.’ He’s looking at the ground, scratching the dry mud with his fingers. ‘Smith said he’d help her.’

‘He will,’ I tell him. ‘We will.’

‘What was wrong with her?’ Kate asks.

I think that Ellis is uncomfortable. He picks up a piece of grass, rolls it tight between his fingers. ‘She’s been really down, that’s all.’

‘She’ll be happy here.’ I want to touch Ellis’s arm, to reassure him.

‘But why was she in a bad way?’ Kate won’t leave him alone. ‘Is that what happens on the Outside?’

‘It does to people who’ve got a dad like mine.’ Ellis seems to say it to himself.

‘Your dad?’

Ellis stands up, brushing leaves from his jeans. ‘Aren’t I meant to be in the work barn?’

I think Kate has finished her questions because she gets up, sandals in her hands. As she makes her way out of the woods, we follow.

I watched the red car as it drove up the long, winding drive. A woman got out, a girl, a young man. And I wanted to shout to them and break my window glass. Run! I wanted to scream. Run while you still can. But my dry mouth stayed clamped shut.

Flickers of memories reach me. They lick around my shadow and slip inside. My mother, my sister and me, driving up that drive. But before, before that. In a shop, where I had wanted the blue shoes with the rainbow strap. My weary mother and the stranger who came up.

‘Are you all right?’ he had asked her.

‘I’m fine,’ she answered. But she wasn’t, and somehow he knew.

‘You look unhappy,’ he said, and touched her arm. He was younger than my mother. His face was warm and handsome, but already I didn’t like him.

‘I’m fine,’ she said again.

‘Really?’ He persisted. ‘I can help you.’ And that was all it took.

The next day, we were driving up this same drive, with everything we owned in the back of our car.

The next day, everything changed.

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