The Highly Sensitive Parent

Copyright

This book is not intended to be a substitute for an assessment by or advice from an appropriate professional. It contains general information regarding high sensitivity and is purely educational in nature.

Thorsons

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First published in the US by Citadel Press 2020

This UK edition published by Thorsons 2020

FIRST EDITION

© Elaine Aron 2020

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Source ISBN: 9780008376536

Ebook Edition © April 2020 ISBN: 9780008376543

Version 2020-03-11

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Introduction

Are You Highly Sensitive? A Self-Test

1. A Deeper Look at What It Means to Be a Highly Sensitive Parent

2. Coping with Overstimulation: The Proper Care and Appreciation of a Highly Sensitive Parent

3. Getting Help: Yes, You Need It

4. Depth of Processing: Making Decisions, from Buying the Healthiest Bread to the Purpose of Your Life

5. Enjoying and Regulating Your Greater Emotional Responsiveness

6. Navigating the Intensified Social Contact: From Teachers and Other Parents to Well-Meaning Relatives and Health Professionals

7. Sensitive Parents and Their Partners: The Issues and Some Tools

8. More on Sensitive Parents and Their Partners: Making Progress on the Tough Problems

Source Notes

Acknowledgments

List of Searchable Terms

Other Books By

Praise

About the Author

About the Publisher

Dedication

To all hardworking parents:

We would not be here without you.

And especially to the highly sensitive ones,

for your depth of parenting.

Introduction

ALL PARENTS FIND PARENTING DIFFICULT. According to our research, highly sensitive (HS) parents, at least in English-speaking countries, find it even more so. But the great news is that these HS parents also reported being more attuned to their children in many ways.

So the question now is are you highly sensitive? If you aren’t sure, please turn to the self-test here and see. If you are highly sensitive, that all-important attunement can be your greatest asset as a parent. The goal of this book is to help you use it to make your parenting less difficult and more joyful. (Just to be clear: This is not a book about parenting highly sensitive children, which is covered in The Highly Sensitive Child. This book is about being a parent who is highly sensitive, regardless of the temperament of your children.)

All parents are short on time, highly sensitive or not. But if you’re highly sensitive, you have to be even more careful than other parents about your time. According to research, as a highly sensitive person (HSP), you are more easily overstimulated. So in addition to the time it takes to parent, you need more downtime. Without this downtime, you get irritable and just plain miserable—and there goes that attunement. This book tries to be mindful of your precious time by focusing on what you need most. The first chapter is crucial if you have any doubts about the reality of your trait. I always say HSPs need to feel convinced they have it, but for an HS parent, it is fundamental. Chapter two, on coping with overstimulation, is also necessary, given that overstimulation is the one downside to having the trait. Chapter three is intended to help you realize what I am convinced of: that HS parents need help raising our children rather than trying to tough it out, as we may see others do. Chapter four is on making decisions. We HS parents express more than others that one of the most difficult issues for them is wanting to make the best decisions when there are many options and complex issues. Chapter five is on regulating your emotions, which are stronger than others’ and being stirred up almost constantly at every stage of parenting. You need this chapter unless you have your emotions all under control. (You and I both smile. Sure.)

Chapter six, which focuses on all the many social aspects of parenting, will help even if you are an extravert (30 percent of HSPs are). Dealing with other people is no doubt the greatest source of emotional stimulation for most people, and therefore the greatest opportunity for overstimulating HSPs. The final two chapters, on the co-parenting relationship, are relevant even to single parents. The discussion of how parenting affects the way you get along with those you love applies to all of your close relationships.

Keeping in mind the goal to make this book a quick read, we have not used those nice stories that appear in so many parenting and self-help books and are usually a well-told blend of real stories: “When Janie first had her baby …” Instead, we’re giving you the words of actual HS parents. Their words are set apart so that you can easily skip them if you just want to read the information and advice. But those stories (slightly edited for grammar and ease of reading) are from the members of your support group, so to speak, and you may find them even more helpful than the rest of the information here.

This book mostly addresses the problems HS parents often have. After all, there’s no need to fix what’s working for HS parents. But keep in mind that our research, which included a survey of more than 1,200 parents, found that you have the potential to be not just a good parent but a great one. We found that those parents who were highly sensitive, like you, reported experiencing statistically significantly more emotional responsiveness and attunement to their children compared to other parents. This was one of the two factors that most stood out in the research because this attunement positively informs an HS parent’s deep processing of their child’s situations and the decisions they make on their child’s behalf.

How does this attunement help? Take one example: Parents constantly face questions in the moment, such as, “Right now, does he need a time out, or is this fuss due to being tired or hungry?” and “Right now, is this a ‘teachable’ moment, or should I wait and let us both cool off?” and “She’s fifteen—should I trust her to do the right thing or forbid her to go?” Coming up with the right answer matters for everyone in the family, both at the time and cumulatively. On average, HS parents tend to be better at all this than the typical parent, according to the research.

When I began studying sensitivity in 1991, I searched the research literature for the term “highly sensitive,” or just “sensitive,” and found “sensitive” used in only two places: to describe those who are gifted and to describe parents who achieve the best outcomes with their children. I don’t think these researchers were necessarily referring to the innate trait of high sensitivity because it had yet to be defined. But in 1979, they had already established that children benefited when parents were sensitive in some measurable sense, and research continues to demonstrate that. The more that is learned about parenting in general, the more we know that the key to successful parenting is being attuned and responsive, even when setting reasonable limits.

As for the research behind many of the statements in this book, you will find notes at the end, organized by chapter. If you have not yet read The Highly Sensitive Person, I suggest you do so as soon as you have time. Since it was published in 1996, I have heard over and over from readers that “it has changed my life.” And if you have known you are an HSP for a long time, welcome back to our community, this time a community of HS parents—and for me, HS grandparents!

Are You Highly Sensitive?

A SELF-TEST

Instructions: Respond to each statement according to the way you feel. Choose true if it is at least moderately true for you. Choose false if it is not very true or not at all true for you.

SCORING THE SELF-TEST FOR HIGH SENSITIVITY. If you responded to more than fourteen of the statements as true of yourself, you are probably highly sensitive. Highly sensitive men might have fewer true responses. But frankly, no psychological test is so accurate that an individual should base their life on it. We psychologists try to develop good questions, then decide on the cutoff based on the average response. If fewer than fourteen are true of you, but those that are true are extremely true, that might also justify calling yourself highly sensitive, especially if you are male.

CHAPTER ONE

A Deeper Look at What It Means to Be a Highly Sensitive Parent

LET’S BEGIN WITH THE STRAIGHT FACTS: High sensitivity is an innate trait found in about 20 percent of the population. You could call it a successful alternative survival strategy, as it has been found in about the same percentage of individuals in more than one hundred species. It is a well-researched, well-understood concept, as you will see in this chapter. We scientists also call it “sensory processing sensitivity” (which is unrelated to sensory processing disorder), because its chief characteristic is that those with the trait process information more thoroughly than others, or “high environmental sensitivity.” Everyone is sensitive to their environment to varying degrees, but HSPs are more so.

If you have taken the self-test at the beginning of this book, you may be starting to recognize that you are part of the sensitive minority, or perhaps you already knew. Either way, you are here to learn how being highly sensitive makes parenting a very different experience, and how to both cope with those differences and take full advantage of them.

This first chapter aims to make your trait real to you and to anyone with whom you share this chapter so that they can read it and better understand you. It provides a brief but complete understanding of your trait and the research on it.

Research: “My Sensitivity Is Wonderful, But …”

For you as a parent, as I said in the Introduction, the most relevant research on high sensitivity is our online survey of more than 1,200 English-speaking parents, both sensitive and those without this trait. The basic results were that highly sensitive (HS) parents tended to find parenting more difficult, but they were also more attuned to their children.

I do want to talk briefly about mothers and fathers separately. (Just to be clear, the survey did not ask respondents their marital status or if they were hetero- or homosexual.) We had two survey samples, each including both HS and non-HS parents. The first survey, of ninety-two mothers, had too few fathers for a separate statistical analysis, so we only looked at mothers. The results for mothers in the two samples were very similar.

In the second, there were 802 mothers and 65 fathers, a little better for analyzing fathers. On average, the HS fathers found parenting a little more difficult than the fathers who were not HS. But this was a small effect and not statistically significant, and probably due to the mothers usually being more directly involved with caregiving. Compared to fathers without the trait, the HS fathers did report greater attunement to their children, just as HS mothers had, and this was strong enough to be statistically significant in spite of the small number of fathers and even smaller number of HS fathers within the sample.

Attunement is especially important for raising highly sensitive boys, and HS fathers are in the perfect position to do it. As one said:

My sensitivity has helped my son to open his heart and be more loving as an adult. We watched many movies that showed men acting in a caring manner, which was a great buffer to all the violent movies that his friends wanted to watch.

We think that HS fathers reporting not much differently on the difficulty of parenting compared with fathers who were not HS is mainly because 1) the sample of fathers was, again, too small to draw an adequate conclusion, and 2) we did not gather data on whether parents were staying at home or working outside the home, but it is likely that these fathers were less frequently with their children during, say, a given week, and therefore less likely to become completely frazzled, as may happen with mothers. There may be additional reasons for why HS fathers did not differ much from other fathers in finding parenting difficult.

Because of the limited sample of fathers and our uncertainty about the causes of the difficult parenting results for fathers, throughout the book we almost always refer to HS parents without specifying mothers or fathers. Just remember, HS fathers, that averages are not about any one individual. They are not necessarily describing you. If you find parenting difficult, that doesn’t make your experience wrong.

About six hundred HS parents added comments at the end of my survey. In reading them over, I found that a certain grammatical structure kept catching my eye. I call it the “It’s great, but …” phrase. For example:

Being a parent has been incredibly wonderful, but also deeply distressing, and it’s difficult to share these experiences with people who are not highly sensitive.

I absolutely love parenting and have wanted it my whole life but find that I am constantly overwhelmed.

Without a doubt, I would summarize my parenting experience as an HSP to be the best experience of my life. Even though my efforts were many times riddled with doubt, guilt, and worry, I deeply believe that being highly sensitive has enhanced my parenting ability overall.

How Being Overstimulated May Affect Your Parenting

These parents are stating a paradox: “I’m doing well and doing terribly.”

This “doing well and terribly” is important to remember. Before I end the subject of our research on HS parents, I want to be sure to mention a study done by others, and I suspect there will be more results like these. This study found that, on the average, HS parents were not performing as parents quite as well as those without the trait. This was indicated by their self-reported parenting styles. You may have heard of these styles. There are three. At one extreme there is the authoritarian style, emphasizing obedience and strict limits (high standards, low communication). In the middle, the ideal, is authoritative, giving children structure and limits, but in a caring, listening way (high communication, high standards). At the other extreme is the permissive style, few limits and mainly trying to please the child (high communication, low standards). HS parents tended to say they were using one or the other of the extremes, strict or permissive, more often than they described themselves as using the middle, ideal authoritative style.

Of course parenting style varies all day long, but the authors of the article saw it the same way that I do. The extremes probably do not represent parenting philosophies associated with being an HSP, but that HS parents are reporting one of these two styles, and possibly using both at different times, because they are so often overwhelmed and are just admitting to how they usually handle their child’s demands during those times.

You can imagine how this goes. Maybe the parent, desperate for rest, decides strict limits are the only answer right now. The parent says, “This is quiet time. I need to rest. Go to your room and play there. And I don’t want to hear a sound out of you.” Child starts to protest. Parent interrupts. “You know the consequences if you don’t do as I say, right now. No story time tonight. Now I’m counting to three. No, I don’t care if you want to play here ‘real quietly.’ I will come and get you when I’m done resting.”

Maybe the parent just has to have quiet time and will do anything to get it. For example, the exhausted parent says, “This is quiet time. Please go to your room to play so I can rest.” The child says, “But Mommy, I want to play here!” (starting to whine, then sob). “No, when you play with those toys you are often too noisy.” “No, I will be real quiet.” “If you go, maybe we can play together later.” “No! I hate you!” (Screaming now.) So the parent caves in. “Okay. Yes, I know, you feel terrible. Okay, play here then, but keep it quiet. I mean it.”

This book is not about how to parent (although I will say a little more about this in chapter three). There are plenty of books on parenting and I urge you to learn from them. But this book is, in essence, about making you the best possible parent by reducing the overstimulation you are experiencing and fitting in more downtime and self-care. Not that it will be easy, this aiming for more “doing well” and only now and then “doing terribly.” All parents have those “terribly” times. But as you move through this book, I am confident that you will be able to parent more and more in your naturally attuned, caring, authoritative style. (Then I hope someone does a study on how well HS parents can parent when they are not so overstimulated.)

Let’s get on now to the research on HSPs in general.

The Research That Applies to all HSPs

We can look at the research under four headings, because sensitivity has four key aspects, which I call DOES:

 Depth of processing—a powerful desire to search for insight and the ability to process information deeply.

 Easily Overstimulated—you understand that already!

 Emotional responsiveness and empathy—you understand this, too, but the research makes it even clearer.

 A greater awareness of Subtle stimuli—invaluable to you as a parent.

We are going to discuss the research behind each of these four. The point is to demonstrate to you the reality of your high sensitivity and precisely why it makes you a better parent, even if it has some downsides. If you want more details on the studies, you will find them in the notes for this chapter.

Depth of Processing: The Desire for Insight and the Ability to Reflect