The Highly Sensitive Parent

Teenagers often overschedule themselves, and if they are on a college preparatory path, then grades, test scores, applications, and all the rest will overload the whole family. It can be harder to rein in adolescents; plus, they need to learn how to take care of themselves. Maybe suggest they research how much they can handle themselves. They can keep a diary, even for just a week, of their various activities, homework pressures, and how much sleep they had. They should also rate how they felt, their mood and their healthiness. Let them draw their own conclusions.

Watching out for overload on your children, and therefore on you, is basic parenting and should not be too difficult for you, given that you are generally very attuned to your children. Still, a few more suggestions always help.

SUGGESTIONS

 Know when everyone is most at risk for overstimulation—for example, when kids come home from school and everyone is talking and you need to listen. Encourage them to do something quiet for a time, perhaps with a snack. If you have not rested before they come home, or whenever you expect overstimulation, you should take a rest while they take a break themselves.

 With small children (maybe for all of us), food, water, and sleep are the keys to happiness.

 If your child is in a crying or screaming phase, keep earbuds handy everywhere! Have at least one pair of noise-canceling headphones. You’ll still be able to hear, but they can soften the highest shrieks. As one HS father describes:

Interestingly, it is more stressful for me to try and ignore the crying than to do something about it—even when this involves getting closer to the source of noise. [His solution was to keep a pair of earbuds in strategic places so he could use them when the noise became too much.]

 Limit playdates and plan them carefully. Expect your child to be exhausted afterward, and you as well, if you were in attendance. Reduce the toys and have an organized play room with a rule that toys stay there or, if they leave, be put back at the end of the day.

 Reduce the clutter. Even one or two clean surfaces, with other stuff in nice baskets, will lessen the feeling of chaos. Buy organizers of all sorts or create them out of cardboard boxes. Yes, it’s hard to entirely forget that the stuff inside is not always sorted, but let it go. No one with children is totally organized in all areas of life.

 Monitor your energy levels. One respondent said to imagine a pie and keep one third for the morning, one third for the afternoon, and one third for the evening. Once you use up the third allotted for that slice of time pie, shift to the lowest gear you have.

 Small, frequent breaks are a very good idea, taken before you hit the wall. As one HS parent shares:

Noise has definitely affected me—first the crying, now the boisterousness. The more tired I am, the worse it feels. I can go to kids’ parties and playdates with all the sounds of bouncing, shouting, and parents trying to chat by talking over it all. I find them exhausting and need quiet time afterward—but then, so do the kids. As well as encouraging the kids to have quiet time, other coping strategies include keeping a calm, tidy space for myself and, if a break is not possible, “steeling” myself with breathing or by sipping mint tea or water. I am quite controlling about how much activity we sign up for as a family in order to give myself (and my son) the necessary downtime. This is quite hard for me, as I love people and doing things.

I hate mess and disorder, and I was very house-proud before the kids came along. I have had to let go of that a bit, and the mess is sometimes so distressing for me that I cease to function and have to walk away or I will blow up.

BOUNDARIES

The extreme nature of everything I’ve experienced as a mother has also taught me the need for boundaries. I have learned to value my own limited energy and resources, and so I will ask my children to help me around the house. If they choose not to help, they will lose some valued object or activity.

For all HSPs, the key to avoiding overstimulation is boundaries. That is, saying no. But you cannot necessarily say no to young children. They really do need help or care, and when they just want something, they may put up such a fuss that it seems easier to grant them what they want. Teenagers will try that, too. In that case, the care they need may be simply your listening, or maybe your teaching gently what could be the repercussions of their choices or how civilized people behave! Often, people close to HSPs discover (especially children and partners) that if they make a big enough ruckus, the HSP will be overstimulated and argue less effectively or just give in. You cannot give in when care must be given or a lesson imparted, which means staying as rested as you can between times of caregiving.

Generally, you have to say “no” more often to others in addition to your children—friends, relatives. Let your partner know you will be doing this and why, and that they may sometimes get a “no,” too. When you have nothing more to give, be firm with those around you who would like your attention. Remember this: Many will ask for something from you, and you and you alone are the one who has to decide whether you can give it. They can’t know and would not want to distress you if they knew it would. You have to let them know.

Saying no to yourself can be the most difficult. You probably know your limits, but sticking to them can be hard. Those of you who are also high sensation seekers are familiar with the battle. We say it is like having “one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake” because the sensation-seeking “system” and what we call the sensitive system can both be present in a person. High sensation-seeking HS parents have the same problem we all do, but more so—needing to rest, but wanting to get things done or do something fun with their children.

Part of saying no is letting the house go sometimes, and saying no to guilt. Have some easy meals on hand, even if they do not meet your highest standards for nutrition. In particular, sleeping must come before housework or anything else. When you have time, consider saying no to everything but sleep.

I realize that it’s easy to say and not so easy to do, especially if you have more than one child. But your state of consciousness is the basis of everything else you do. When you are fresh, things go well. When you are not, things go badly. It is as simple as that.

COPING DURING OVERSTIMULATION

You notice you are getting irritable or feel you can’t take any more. You need a break, but you can’t take one. You can’t leave the baby alone. Or the children playing together need to be monitored. Or you have to wait up for a teenager to come home and then “have a talk.”

This is why you need help you can count on, which I will discuss later. But suppose you do not have help around at the moment?

IDEAS FOR THOSE TOUGH MOMENTS

 Change locations or activities with your child—go to another room, get into the car and drive, leave the store, go to the store, etc.

 One mother of young children suggested, Cuddle with them—it feels good, and it’s easier than listening!

 If your child is happily occupied for even just a few minutes, sit back and read or just stare into space. Do not jump up to get something done.

 Although you are very free to disagree, I am in favor of HS parents occasionally sitting their children down in front of high-quality TV programs and videos or their laptops while the parents take a break—preferably lying down within sight, and certainly within earshot. Whatever the evils of TV, an exhausted HS parent can be pretty hard on children, too.

 Take some slow, deep breaths. Blow out through your mouth, which causes the next breath to come from deep down. If you want, imagine you are blowing out your stressors.

 Make yourself a cup of tea.

 Give yourself a quick foot massage.

 Give your senses a treat: Smell something nice, look at something pretty, put on music you like, have a healthy snack that you love, or change into something comfy like pajamas or sweats.

 Hug whoever is agreeable to it—child or adult—for an entire minute if you can. Hugs feel good because they reduce stress hormones, pain, high blood pressure, and the likelihood of getting sick while increasing oxytocin, which always makes people feel better.

 Stretch. Bend over to touch the floor, then slowly rise, feeling each vertebra uncurl. Maybe stretch your mouth like you’re roaring, then relax your face. If you know any yoga, even one position, the right one for you at the moment can help.

 If necessary, simply retire to the bathroom for a while (if children are old enough to be left alone). Children understand that.

 Keep a good book around, or be prepared to listen to one, so that you can snatch a little reading now and then—something to look forward to when you can fit it in.

 Call or text a good friend, just to say hello.

 Go ahead and cry.

 One mother suggested imagining you are in a bubble or a huge protective ball so when the children are jumping on you (actually or metaphorically), they just bounce off and your sensitive nervous system is protected.

 Meditate in the same room as your child, without being frustrated if you are interrupted. Explain you are meditating, “taking a special break.” It can sometimes quickly calm those in your vicinity.

 Go out with your child, especially outdoors. Nature can be surprisingly calming, or at least it can shift the energy. You probably should resist running errands or going to another overstimulating environment where your child may also become overstimulated.

 Check to see if you are drinking enough fluids and have eaten protein with your last meal or snack. You need the same things that your child needs: rest, food, and water.

 Now think of your own favorite one- to five-minute breaks and jot them down. Refer to this list when you are so stressed you can’t think. You have thought it out beforehand.

RECOVERING FROM OVERSTIMULATION

Recovery is much like preventing and enduring overstimulation. Again, rest when your child does or when your child is out of the house. If you’ve been so overstimulated that you haven’t had time to process all the complexities of parenting, inner and outer for both you and your child, then you may have trouble sleeping even if you need it. That’s okay. All rest is good, even if you don’t fall asleep. Most of it comes from merely closing our eyes, since 80 percent of stimulation comes through vision.

Just watch out for consistently waking late in the night and not being able to go back to sleep. That can be a sign of depression or chronic anxiety that might need treatment. If it will reduce your anxiety to know whether or not your symptoms are at the “disorder” (impairment) level, read up on their DSM indicators on the Internet. (“DSM” refers to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.) Even better, have someone else look for you and ask you a few questions, provided the one investigating is someone trustworthy and would know, perhaps by living with you or simply being with you often enough to observe any changes in your behavior that you might not be noticing or just gradually getting used to.

Beware, however, that some “symptoms,” like crying easily, feeling indecisive, or not being able to concentrate when overstimulated, might be normal for HSPs. Depression and anxiety are only serious if you experience the symptoms (there’s a list of them in DSM) most of the day, nearly every day, for two weeks or more (depression) and more days than not for six months or more (anxiety). Even you meet these criteria, find a psychiatrist who understands or is willing to learn about high sensitivity. If you do not meet these criteria, you still may feel depressed or anxious enough to be miserable and seek help. Otherwise, ease up and get some paid or unpaid help with the kids and chores, and then see how you are feeling.

On the other hand, while downtime and sleep are essential, sometimes what you most need is a complete change, perhaps even as simple as running some errands by yourself. Again, this is why you need help. Activities that have nothing to do with parenting can be especially helpful—either something new and exciting (yes, even for an HSP) or a habitual pleasure. Of course, this means more stimulation, so be very careful. You must find balance.

As one parent said:

I continue to struggle with the need to respect my needs as an HSP, along with my drive to be successful in my career and to be an engaged, loving parent. I make a lot of self-care promises to myself that I do not keep.

When you get into being chronically overstimulated, sometimes it can be hard to stop and let yourself recover. You go on and on, running on empty. Or, to be more exact, running on cortisol, which is produced to help you deal with stress and does not just suddenly stop being produced when you stop moving. But too much stress will eventually deplete your adrenal glands, where cortisol comes from. That is, pushing yourself for too long will cost you eventually, so be careful.

SUGGESTIONS FOR RECOVERING

 Nurture yourself as much as possible during the downtime you have.

 Have “spa time” at home (fathers can do this, too)—a warm bath with a candle and some soothing music, and perhaps a scent you like, such as lavender, cedarwood, or sandalwood.

 Water helps in all ways: drinking it, taking a bath, walking beside it, swimming in it, or just hearing it. A little table fountain in your bedroom can be soothing and help to block sound.

 Drink warm or cooling beverages—whatever comforts you, depending on the season.

 Enjoy a healthy, comforting meal, by yourself.

 Do a self-massage. If you cannot get out to have a professional massage, get some massage oil or lotion, take off your clothes (turn up the heat if necessary), sit on a towel in front of a candle, and slowly massage each part of you that you can reach. It feels great!

 Keep a journal where you can reflect on parenting. Perhaps even draw a little or write a poem to express your feelings. You will treasure this someday, and for now you can step back and see how fast things are changing and how much you are doing, and doing well.

 Make a list of the reasons why you had children and another list of everything you are grateful for about your child and partner. Read these over when you most need the reminder.

Says one parent:

To date, my best method at avoiding this shutdown is to closely monitor my own energy level. As soon as I get a hint of being irritated, I take a break. I block out the noise and chaos of the house, along with the internalized messages that say “suck it up.”

Value of a “Spiritual” Practice

Perhaps the most difficult task for overstimulated HS parents is to keep the big picture. You wonder if your child will ever be toilet trained. (I guarantee you: They will not be wearing diapers in college.) You feel like you will never get a good night’s sleep or an entire day to yourself again. Or your teenager will always ask you to let him off at the corner rather than be seen with you. You know none of this will last, and you are basically so glad you have this child in your life. But when we are stressed or afraid, our view of life contracts. When we settle down, it expands.

The big picture comes easily for HSPs, I believe. We think about how things got to be the way they are and how they may turn out. This, I believe, is why most of us have a proclivity for spirituality, the biggest picture of all. Why were we born? Why are we living? Who or what created us or is behind all of this? What happens when we die? This is one reason I have called HSPs “the priestly advisors.” When things go wrong for those without the trait, they want us to advise them about matters they have not thought much about up until now, while we have been thinking about them all our lives.

When I was first interviewing people to learn about sensitivity, I kept the question about their spirituality for last, feeling it might be too personal. But all forty of the interviewees brought it up on their own before the end, and most had some kind of spiritual path and practice.

I think of a spiritual practice as whatever connects you with something much larger, even your largest Self, or with all beings, the entire creation, infinity and eternity, God or Allah, the Sacred, or the Source. These days many people try to find their own, unique spiritual path, even within a traditional religion. It also seems that the paths are all leading to the same place, even if we have different names for that place.

If you want the big picture waiting in the wings when you need it, your spiritual path requires daily practice, or, for busy parents, as often as you possibly can. This is another form of rest or downtime.

My own story:

During my son’s first year we were living in Paris on a post doc, in a two-room apartment. Every evening, when I was fixing dinner, my son would start to whine and drag on my legs. If I put him in his crib (in the same room as the kitchen) he would scream. My husband would try to take him to the other room to soothe him in the other room, but he only wanted me. Meanwhile, I was losing it, crying or angry or both. We had planned to learn Transcendental Meditation (TM) during our stay because it had been highly recommended by friends, but we had put it off because of a lack of money and childcare. As this went on, however, we decided to try learning TM. The very first time my husband and I took turns doing our twenty-minute evening meditation in the back room—the other using a quiet voice while in the kitchen with our son—the whole evening mutual meltdown failed to happen. It never happened again. It was like a miracle. Hence Art and I became sold on TM.

One way to combine deep rest and a spiritual practice is meditation, as long as it does not involve mental effort. Having compared methods, in my opinion the most restful and effortless meditation, and therefore the most efficient for your purposes, is TM (Transcendental Meditation; Christian Centering Prayer is a very similar method of meditation). The TM course is a bit expensive, but well worth it. The teaching is very professional and standardized, and it includes any help you may need with your practice for the rest of your life. Most of all, rather ironically, it requires several meetings with a skilled instructor in order to learn not to make an effort. With this method, it is fine to sit comfortably, for your mind to wander, or for you to fall asleep—the point is that rest is the basis of successful activity as well as the evolution of consciousness. But you may already meditate and prefer another method. If so, that’s great.

Or perhaps prayer, yoga, a little expressive art therapy, a walk in nature, or a few minutes of gardening may be your spiritual practice. Just try to take time to do it as often and as regularly as you can.

Self-Care and the HS Parent’s Past

HSPs in general are known for their “differential susceptibility.” That is, with a good childhood, they do better than others in many ways, but with a poor childhood, they are more prone to anxiety, depression, shyness, low self-esteem, and so forth.

In my experience, differential susceptibility also impacts self-care. If your needs were well met in childhood, you may be exceptionally good at taking care of yourself as an HS parent. If you experienced neglect or intrusive caregiving that met someone else’s needs more than your own, you may not be as good at this. In that case, pay particular attention to your attitudes about self-care and get some professional help if you continue to take poor care of yourself. (You may find my book The Undervalued Self helpful, as well, but then again, you may not have time to read another book right now.) On the Internet, you can find pieces I have written on finding a good therapist and discussing your trait with a therapist by searching for “Elaine Aron on how to find a therapist.”

Individual HS parents must check in often as to whether their self-care routines are working for other members of their families. Often, your ideas about how to balance downtime and work come from your childhood. If you saw one partner dominating the other in any way, you have to be very watchful not to let that repeat. If you tend to be dominated, you will need to speak up for your needs, for your child’s sake as well as yours. Especially if you are the one bringing home the money, and the only HSP in the family, you can easily end up being the dominator. Just because you are sensitive and work hard, you can’t assume that you can demand to participate less in daily life or not divide the drudgery equally. It has to be discussed as a team. If your job is too stressful for helping at home, think seriously about how to remedy this so that you can be sensitive, yet still involved in both the pleasant and difficult aspects of family life. This may take some creativity or letting go of something for now, but it is well worth it. See chapter three for more ideas.

Conclusion

The only built-in problem for HSPs is being easily overstimulated. If you find yourself feeling worn down, you can do better—and you must. When you do happen to be rested and thinking more clearly, take a careful look at your life. What can you do better? Eat better? Cut down other expenditures so you can budget for more help? Let go of something? Think back. When you have let go of something in the past, have you really missed it? You added parenting to your life. It may be time to subtract something else.

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